I intend to be a rich old lady some day. This isn’t a necessity – a, “life isn’t worth living unless you’re living large,” thing, but I don’t think it makes logical sense to aspire to be a poor, old lady, so I’m channeling my positive thinking toward a future filled with success.

So in an effort to “secret” my way into said success, I figure it also makes logical sense to have some plans for my future, rich old lady life. Here are those plans, to date. Suggestions are welcome from those of you who are or currently know a fabulous, rich old lady (ROL from here on out).

I’m going to get my hair done at least once a week. 

I have really difficult hair, and I’ve never taken the time to learn to do it right. So when I’m a ROL I’m going to find a killer salon with super delicious smelling hair products and a fab gay man who will do my hair at least once a week. I’m not sure what kind of hair I’ll have once I’m a ROL, but I’d like it to be like Jackie Kennedy’s, so hopefully my future gay hairdresser will make it look like that.

I’m going to go to Europe at least once a year. 

It seems like wealthy people spend a full season per year in Paris these days, so I’m going to join them for at least a small spell, annually. I think I’ll change it up year after year so I can have really nice ROL scarves from all over Europe, but we’ll see.

I’m going to have a small dog that I take everywhere

I feel like ROL’s have small dogs that follow them everywhere so they always have someone/thing to talk at. Naturally R will be around to respond to my every magical old lady sentence, but when I go to places like the hair salon, I’ll take my very small dog named something like Bernard or Angelo so I can continue to spew amazing lines about how to properly live life. That seems like the gist of what old people are saying most of the time. 

I’m going to wear kaftans

Nan Kempner wore kaftans most days of her late life, and she looked fabulous, always. There’s just something about a floor-length, Persian house dress that says both, “I have no where to go,” and, “I’ve been everywhere.” All of my kaftans will be bright, crazy colors and silk because I imagine silk is nice against wrinkly, old lady skin.

I am going to dine somewhere fancy on the same day at the same time every single week. 

I briefly worked for the iconic movie producer David Brown, and he ate lunch at the 21 Club on Tuesday at 12:30pm (if I recall correctly?) every single week because, why not! I will do the same thing, but probably not at the 21 Club because it’s a little stuffy there for me. If Momofuku is still in business when I’m a ROL (which, if I’m a really rich ROL, I’ll make sure it is), then I think I’ll dine there.

I am going to have an apartment in New York City

It doesn’t matter where in the world I live permanently (if not, New York City), but I’m going to have an apartment in Manhattan once I’m rich and old. Of course, if I can only afford either yearly trips to Europe or this pied-à-terre, I don’t know which I’ll choose, but for now let’s assume that I can have both. And if I can have both, let’s assume that the apartment either overlooks Central Park or is near that perfect part of the West Village close to the Cherry Lane Theater. 

I am going to have a room painted fuscia 

Diana Vreeland had a red room, so I’m going to have a fucsia room. I think bright colors stimulate the mind, and you can’t have a room that crazy until people don’t care what you do anymore because they’re just happy you’re still alive.    

I am going to only drink one kind of alcoholic drink, but I’m going to drink it at Happy Hour every day

By the time I’m an ROL I’ll have someone else handling my driving, and hopefully everything else in my life, so I’ll have plenty of time to enjoy an extra dirty martini, up, with Kettle One vodka every single evening. I might switch it up if my old lady palette prefers a Manhattan or maybe a very fancy french liquor, but for now let’s say dirties and 5PM.