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Subject: Please don’t sue your dry cleaner, Anna Hey Matt, So our mutual dry cleaner, Anna, has been on my case about the fact that we should meet. Apparently you are “nicest guy” and she seems to think I am “nicest girl” and therefore, in her mind, we should know each other. The other day she gave me your business card from a stack you …
I now have six ways of contacting Matt. I could call him, email him, friend him, or stop by his place of business. It’s too much.Two days ago he was a figment of my dry cleaner’s money-making imagination. Today he is a guy of like age and location (street, to be exact), with similar interests (30 Rock!), an admirable occupation (my company buys what his …
With business card in hand I do what any normal citizen of the 21st century would do. I Internet stalk the shit out of him. First stop: Facebook As you (should) know, a Facebook search can be incredibly fruitful or painfully dead-end. With a name like Matt _________ chances of multiples are high. Narrowing by network could work, plus Matt’s cell is included on his …
Hey there, This may seem somewhat confusing and definitely selfish. See, I know that you don’t really know how much I like _________. You’re not around when I see if there are any new photos on his flickr account or if girls he recently friended start writing on his wall. I don’t think you were there the night I got drunk and told everyone at …
Anna is redeemed. Definitely a liar and potentially a criminal but at least, for now, redeemed. I go in Friday morning to drop off a load of legitimately dirty clothes. It’s around 8:38…8:40 – I can’t be sure. My plan is to say nothing. It’s been over two weeks since Anna’s even mentioned Matt so I’ve decided the drop-it-and-regroup plan is my best move. I …
FYGuys: a new, amazingly-named series providing tips to guys straight from the cryptic minds of women. The guys-in-suits effect is as illogical as it is impenetrable. It is not rooted in deep thought or consideration. It is does not vary by part of country or continent. It is not tested or even really questioned. It’s just fact. A group of men in well-fitting suits are …
Liz made a very bold statement the other day – a bold statement that might – and I’m just forecasting here – save this great city. She said she thinks there is a direct correlation between the lack of house parties and lack of dating here in New York. We were talking about the fact that three of her friends – not one or two …
My sister Dani often adopts the language of a 60-year-old British kindergarten teacher when she’s really mad at someone. She re-states the offense that’s been committed, highlights what about it is wrong, and explains how and why it must stop. So what would be – “Johnny, I know that you took Susie’s hair bow and flushed it down the toilet. It is not appropriate to …
Public outcry for my next steps in the on-going Matt saga has been overwhelming – overwhelming and frankly really weird. I’d like to thank everyone for their critical analysis of what’s really going on with Anna. If the crisis of my laundry love were, instead, the situation in the Middle East, I believe it would be solved. Too bad. The following recommendations come from a …
You hear people referencing leagues all the time: she’s so out of my league — I’m no where near his league — and that whole group is in a league of their own. That sort of thing. What they really mean is: she’s so much better looking that I am — I’m no where near as cool or good looking as him — and all …