Hi! You’ve reached my (beloved) former blog. Come find me & my current work at JessieRosen.com

Uncle Yenta and the Natty Light

January 4, 2009

To me you are – probably making a mistake

January 4, 2009

These should be easy resolutions

January 4, 2009

At this very time last year I posted my two very simple New Year’s Resolutions. To read at least one book per month and to not hook up with people for insensible reasons.

Of the two I successfully accomplished one.

And so once again I will post very simple, seemingly easy to accomplish New Year’s Resolutions in an effort to be motivated by the potential for public shame. It worked last year.


I was out at a bar talking very closely to a boy that had potential to make me act insensibly when a friend who reads the blog texted me NEW YRS RES!! from across the room. Citizen willpower at its best.

Here’s this year’s set of four (trying to up my odds).

To read the newspaper a majority of days of the week (that being 4).

Geanna and I ordered the Weekender from The New York Times (see there’s the week, the weekend, and the weekender…), so that takes care of three days of having it delivered directly to my apartment door.

Considering the entire paper is online every day for free, I should have no trouble reading it at least one of the other days. It is my understanding that Monday is the shortest issue.

I believe that by reading the newspaper I will become worldlier, develop an excellent vocabulary for the SATs, and get better ideas of what to pitch the Thursday Styles Section so they’ll finally respond to my daily emails.

To use skim milk and Splenda in my coffee, always-ish


I’m a cream and sugar girl by nature, but if it’s between cream in my coffee and one more unit of alcohol, I can go skim and Splenda.

Oprah magazine has yet to cover the exact caloric difference between my preferred fixings and this modified approach (not by any lack of my requesting), so I can’t be 100% certain there’s a direct fat free coffee to one wine glass ratio.

So not to end up a hypocrite I will say that this is my resolution unless Oprah or some equally reputable source says I can have my cream and sugar back.

To set four friends (or strong acquaintances) up on dates with people I believe make a good match.

That’s one date per season – really the least I can do.

As previously discussed it’s only logical to assume that if we bring happiness to others they will in turn think of us if and when they have happiness (read: men) of their own to dole out.

To stop lying to cab drivers when I’m drunk.

I lie to cab drivers when I’m drunk.

We get to talking about some topic I usually bring up because I’m uncomfortable with car silence and that in- cab tv makes me nauseous (also because I’m drunk). This usually leads to me asking where the cab driver is from. Something like, “From where do you come?” (I also speak in old English syntax when drunk. I’ve tried resolving to give that up. I can’t.)

The cab driver says something like Ghana or Haiti or Palestine or Queens. And then I say, “You kid! I’ve been there – so beautiful – and your people – by far the most generous I’ve encountered.”

I have never been to Ghana or Haiti or Palestine or Queens.

Then the cab driver inevitably says! (Insert word of praise specific to his country’s dialect. ex: No Fuckin’ Way!, Queens) This is wonderful! No girls like you have ever been to my country! Thank you. This makes me proud.”

And then I am filled with a warm, wonderful feeling of having made the day (maybe week?) of a kind service provider who makes it so I don’t have to own a car in Manhattan. And so I keep doing it.

Harmless as this may seem, it is lying which is wrong and weird, which is worse, and so I will make a concerted effort to stop.

Happy New Year. Wish me willpower. And please provide some if necessary.

6 comments

  1. I absolutely love your resolutions! Good luck, and if you fail on the last one, know that you’ve made someone else happy! 🙂

  2. I love your blog. I swear I’m not saying that just because your mom told me to read it. I’ll keep reading 🙂

  5. So, I’ve been reading your blog a while – much fun to read – congrats on the resolutions. I’m surprised a cabbie hasn’t caught you in a lie yet by asking you how you liked Accra, Ghana – or Astoria. Good luck!

  6. Good luck on the resolutions. I too am a fellow liar to cab drivers. I also tend to harass them while drunk.

Comments are closed.