yesterday. circa 3pm:

dani.m.rosen: don’t be confused by how you have been treated by how you deserve to be treated

me: that’s a great line – very wise.

dani.m.rosen: you should write a blog about me and how wise i am yet i still can’t get my shit together

I already write that blog except it’s about me, not my little sister Dani, and I generally leave out the part where I can’t get my shit together. It’s there though, if you read through the lines slash have ever seen me drunk…

The do-as-I-say, not-as-I-do factor is a standard feature of the 20-Nothing set. We dole out advice like it’s going out of style, but ask us to turn around and take that same suggestion and it, “oh well that’s for you – I’m a different story.”

This means one of two things are going on.

1. We’re lying to our friends.

Theory one – generally speaking – we bullshit to our friends about what they “really should do” about X guy, Y job, or Z outfit. We listen, think about it, and throw out some half-baked response that ends the convo so we can go back to discussing more important issues such as us. We’re not actually wise, and whatever wisdom we have is lifted straight from those precious moments where Danny Tanner would help Steph, DJ or Michelle through a rough patch with the help of soft transitional music. In short, and rhyme, it’s not wise – it’s lies. (boom.)

2. Our brains are flawed, inherently.

No really, this is the serious of the two (not that Danny didn’t have a few stellar moments). Case in point: I know that saving money is the smart, healthy, and ultimately worth-while life move to make. I buy a 67th pair of shoes because they are very sexy and will look good with my peg-leg jeans. Flawed brain. There’s no other explanation. Same goes for why you will have a bottle of wine followed by five beers on a Wednesday night. We aren’t confused about what nine units of alcohol will do to our Thursday. Our brain just shuts that logic function off for whatever reasons (read: a guy), and we proceed to do the wrong thing.

Are we hypocrites? No. Hypocrites know they’re going against what they said or supported. We can’t even get that far when it comes to taking our own advice. We actually think the advice doesn’t apply to us. We actually believe that our friend Katie should ask the guy out because what’s-the-worst-that-can-happen? whereas we should not because many-many-many-bad-things-we-can’t-even-list-there’s-so-many will happen.

A tricky brain like that of a hypocrite goes, “whatever, I know I told her she was a slut when she did that but I’m doing it anyway because who cares, whatevs, I can’t be judgemental and also no one’s going to know….” A flawed brain like that of someone who can’t take their own wise advice can completely disconnect what it told one person when it comes to applying that wisdom to themselves.

Why really? Outside the flawed brain sitch – and really, inside it as well – it’s because being wise is easy. Watch a little Lifetime or read one of those Chicken Soup for the Soul books and you can pretty much get a handle on what you should do in most circumstances. But the actually doing it takes all sort of other words like courage and patience and confidence and whatever else was on those posters in the guidance office (that one with the kitten hanging off the branch…classic). We think that just because we can think it that means we should just be able to do it, but that’s way easier said than done…which explains why people like Dani and me say it but don’t do it.

And so what’s the fix? Blame it on your mis-wired brain. Figure out the wise thing to do – the thing you’d tell your friend to do – and then when the “but I can’t possibly do that” be like, “oh right – that’s not true, I’m just mentally challenged in this circumstance and instead need to pretend my way into logic ignoring what my fucked up brain is telling me.”

Trust me, works every time. Also trust me, don’t go through that thought process out loud – anywhere.