Humor me, if you will, and count the times in a typical week that you do something because you and you alone felt like doing it – watched two hours of DVR’d Addicted instead of cleaning your room, left the apartment at 10pm in search of Tasti D, walked to the grocery store to buy cheese in the middle of making a sandwich because any sandwich without cheese is a waste of a sandwich, skipped dinner with not-great friends because you didn’t want to go in the first place, went to a movie alone because you randomly checked the times and found a good one playing three blocks away in ten minutes.
Those are the whims of living an independent life. Add a boyfriend to that mix and suddenly things like, “went to see a Zog sports hockey game at 9pm on a Monday because your boyfriends’ team was playing” get added to the weekly list. Did you want to do that because you care about him? Of course. Would you choose to do that if he didn’t exist? No. Add a kid to that mix and you can erase the list.
The life of a single person isn’t void of obligation – you have a job; friends and family you care about; commitments to organizations and such – but your life is your own, and you can move about it freely without people knowing and questioning every detail.
That life was my life one month ago. I came and went as I pleased checking in with my roommate and my friends and honoring my responsibility to work, but making my own, often aggressive daily schedule. As Chris once said, “No seams in your day, huh?”
I always felt very “single” – in a independent and untethered sense. Like I was in charge and nothing was really pulling me in one direction or another. There’s something really thrilling about up-and-deciding you’re going to take the subway to a neighborhood you’ve never been to in search of a vintage clothing store and famous coffee shop. I did stuff like that all the time.
Since moving home I have not secured a boyfriend and yet I feel decidedly less single. Like now I’m part of this unit of people juggling time, space, and moods over the course of each week as we navigate a collective living arrangement. “A family” I think they’re calling it?
Now when I come home I can’t just say hello and retire to my room without feeling a sense of obligation to my housemates. “How was your day?” I ask them. “What are you doing for the rest of the night?” they ask back. “It depends on whether or not you finally remembered to DVR Modern Family,” I say. “Oops,” they say back.
If I try to eat dinner alone at the kitchen peninsula someone will likely come sit with me because they don’t want me to have to eat alone. They’ll want to chat and tell me about their day because that’s how you keep someone company and show them you care.
When I want to go somewhere – the Dunkin Donuts, the grocery store, the J. Crew outlet – I have to discuss that trip with one of five other people who use one of our three cars. And then I have to brace myself for something like the following:
- Dunkin Donuts? But we have coffee here.
- I know, but I really want a cinnamon coffee
- We have cinnamon. Just put it in the coffee maker, and you’ll have cinnamon coffee.
- I know but it tastes different at Dunkin Donuts.
- How different could it taste?
- I don’t know! Just different!
- Well I don’t know why you’d want to spend $2.50 for something you can have here for free…
- I know. It’s foolish. I’m foolish, but I want it, so can I take the car?
- Sure, whatever you want.
(beat)
- Hhmm, maybe I’ll come.
- Why? Do you want a coffee too? I’ll just get you one.
- No, but I wanted to go to Foodtown to get some snacks for the LOST finale tonight.
- But I’m going to Dunkin Donuts.
- Foodtown is on the way back.
- Uuggghhhh
- What is the big deal?
- I just wanted to go to the Dunkin Donuts and get a coffee! I don’t have time to go to Foodtown and shop for LOST snacks.
- Geeez – fine – I’ll take a separate car to Foodtown and shop for snacks for you to enjoy tonight, but you know gas money doesn’t grow on trees.
- UUUUGGHGHHHHH.
And if I spend five hours on Sunday writing alone in the-room-that-I-share-with-my-sister every single member of the family will check on me at least once, and 9 times out of 10 (that’s an exact stat), they’ll offer something like this: “We’re going to Old Navy because flip flops are a dollar today. Do you want to come?”
In general, no I don’t want to come, but then this inexplicable wave of you-should-go-do-what-the-family-is-doing sweeps over me, and I find myself saving-as and changing out of my writing outfit (black leggings under Dad’s old button-down) into something I’m content to be wearing if I see a kid with whom I graduated from high school. Then we have fun, I get flip flops, and the vicious cycle continues.
If you asked me three months ago whether or not I’d forgotten how to live in a family I would have said, what? no? what does that even mean? I saw my family often, talked to them more often, and did things for slash with them all the time.
But being in a family from afar and being in a family in-the-house are two very different things.
What’s most shocking about my transition from a-far to inside is that I’m not miserable – far from it, in fact. I like when they come talk to me while I eat dinner. It’s frustrating but also nice to juggle and cars and errands so everyone gets what they need to get done. And now I have a test audience to read whatever I’m writing.
There’s something strangely freeing about being grounded – physically – inside a house where five other people are orchestrating their days and weeks. I’m no longer a “single” girl who gets to move myself about my life exactly as I please. But I’m also no longer a single girl who has to move myself about my life as only I please.
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I feel your pain! I moved back home in July and there have been growing pains. I am grateful that I have a place to go but Moms don’t seem to understand that you just want some “me” time. They take it personally when you want to just want to watch TV in your room. There is a lot of give and take but the way I am thinking about it these days is that you can’t get these days back; what if something were to happen and you don’t have these days with your folks…
To say its frustrating is an understatement and I totally get where you are coming from. Its what being a family is all about 🙂 and its part of the cost of living at home….
I know exactly what you mean! I’m home for the summer since I’m doing an internship nearby, and somehow I’ve been going to bed at 10 PM and taking trips to Costco. (Actually, I love Costco…) Yesterday I got sick, and my mom took my temperature and gave me medicine… on the one hand, it was kind of embarrassing to be an almost-21-year-old being treated like a 5-year-old, but on the other hand, it was a LOT nicer than being sick alone in my dorm room and trying to take care of myself. Also, I really really like being in a place where you don’t have to wear flip flops in the shower.
I completely agree, I’m ending my own ‘suburban sabbatical’ next weekend, and the biggest thing im looking forward to? “me time” to lay in bed, watch television, read, whatever. I saved a ton of money this year, and I paid off credit cards, and learned to actually budget all by myself so, bottom line: It’s worth it.
I’m currently in the middle of trying to get a job and if i don’t get one soon i have to move back in with my family. I am not looking forward to this again. Except instead of going to dunkin donuts its going to be my mom asking me to run to the store to get baby formula or diapers or babysit.
I think i might prefer to live in my car, at least i’d have privacy.
After four years in Asia, I’ll be moving back home to Canada soon, in the parental home until I get on my feet.
Extreme anxiety just thinking about it.
I will definitely have that identical coffee conversation with my father, and my mother will definitely bombard me with shopping trips in the name of “quality time”, and I will definitely be asked about twenty times a week whether or not I will be home for dinner (which for some reason drives me completely bonkers).
Thanks for reminding me that it might not be all bad!
(… and also for reminding me why I should really get a head start on the apartment search… nothing fends off an anxiety attack like deep breathing exercises and craigslist…)
Add me to the list of people who understand what you’re going through… The only difference? Living with a grandmother instead of your parents. And while it’s great to spend this time with her and appreciate it for the bonding time we have together, the everyday annoyances are starting to pile up. And you can’t necessarily snap at your grandmother like you can a mom or sister…
That being said, I’ll be moving on in a month, and I’m really torn between my conflicting feelings about it. Sad to go, but exciting to leave…
When I saw the title of your post, I thought that you had found a boyfriend! I was amazed with instant success in what should be a harder place to meet people.
Alas, I read further and found out it was not the case. But if it were true, I bet you could recruit people to move in with the Rosens for the suburbs, savings, a sabbatical, and a significant other.
Two years ago I moved in with my parents and I so know how you feel. My favorite time was when I went to store early in the day, but forgot to buy tampons – so later that day I was leaving for the store again and my dad asked where I was going. I said “to the store” and he said, “weren’t you just at the store earlier today?” and I said “I forgot something” and he asked me what and I kind of hesitated and he said “why don’t you just get it next time you go instead of making a special trip” and finally I said “I need TAMPONS, ok?? TAMPONS. Now I’m going to the store!” My dad never asked what I needed from the store again. 🙂
Can I just tell you your blog helps to get through my fantastically boring work day!!
Oh man… Been there and will probably go there again.
When I moved in with my aunt and uncle in the far reaches of Jewish-Asian Queens, I remember feeling shockingly less lonely. My idea of an eventful night was eating dinner with them, playing music quietly in the empty playground nearby, and watching a movie. Seeing friends was a VACATION. Your post reminded me of that and kind of blew my mind.
Great post! I felt like I was reading something I wrote myself. I just moved back in with my parents (for the 3rd, and hopefully final, time), and am also having to have the car usage and “why pay $5 for Starbucks when you can have coffee here?!” conversations. I love my family, and appreciate their willingness to let me move back in for a while, but I’m feeling like a 28-year-old teenager again. The best of luck to you!