• 10. All the brunch menus here have several egg white options that are just part of the regular menu versus East coast menus which only feature the option to turn any egg dish into an “egg whites only, please” dish for the added cost of approximately 2 dollars. So while I used to order the real eggs I and the rest of egg-eating civilization prefer because I am painfully cheap, I now have no excuse not to choose the healthier option.

• 9. More than 50% of all drivers here do not use their blinker. That’s a fact I’ve determined by dividing the number of drivers who do not use their blinker by the total number of cars I see on the road in a given driving session. I’m not kidding. There are only so many podcasts in the world…

• 8. I now get really pissy when it isn’t 75 and sunny on any/every given day. This is a back-handed complaint, but it really is an issue, plus I had to get to 10 things.

• 7. My hair still isn’t quite sure what to do in this climate. It’s less frizzy than it was in the soup that is East coast air, but now it’s sort of flat in some places and somehow perma-greasy in others. I believe this has something to do with the water here, which is among my greatest enemies in L.A. on account of the next thing I hate here:

• 6. The bagels and the pizza. It is the most cliche complaint, but the most true. They’re not as good. None of them. Not even Vito’s, R. Sorry. The silver lining of this hate is I don’t eat nearly as many bagels or slices of pizza as I did when Murray’s and Ray’s were each a quick walk away, so when I really want real eggs I justify it that way.

• 5. It is much more difficult to make impulse purchases here in L.A. When I lived in New York I could walk out of my apartment and find food, alcohol, clothing, accessories, office supplies, and everything offered inside a CVS within 100 yards. That is not an exaggeration. I now have to walk at least one block for food/alcohol and must get in my car for all the other items (note: I do live on the corner of the street where Fred Segal is, but I have developed enough self control to prevent myself from impulse shopping there. God bless the fact that I moved here at 27 and not 23…).

• 4. Hollywood vernacular. You don’t go to a meeting, you “take a meeting.” You don’t place several phone calls in a row, you “roll calls.” You’re not leaving a voicemail, you’re leaving “word.” If two people are trying to get a hold of each other it isn’t called phone tag, it’s called “trading.” When you want to know what’s really going on with a given situation you say, “give me the real.” The list goes on and on, and there’s no avoiding it. Sort of like when I worked in marketing in NY and used the term “ideating” instead of coming up with ideas. Same shit, different coast.

• 3. At least two of your friends are on hiatus at any given time. This is not to be confused with “unemployed” which is a generally negative thing. Hiatus is when the show/film/project you work on is taking a break. TV shows do this for a month at a time. Filmmakers and writers can be on hiatus (or, in their case, “between projects”) for…ever? These people are horribly, horribly annoying because they’re terribly, terribly lucky, and I aspire to be just like them.

• 2. Everyone has a script. This is not to be confused with, “everyone is a writer.” The number of people in this town who actually make their full living off of writing film and/or television scripts is small and terrifying. The number of people who, “have a script” or are, “working on a pilot,” or are, “in the outline phase with their writing partner” is massive. Part of this is because L.A. is a creative town where many to most people have good to excellent ideas for TV shows and movies. Most of this is because if the right person in this town gives your good to excellent idea the time of day you can go from being an underpaid person whose name appears way at the bottom of the credits to an overpaid person who is always on hiatus. Or at least that’s what they told me to get me to move here.

• 1. It’s between $350-600 from home. It’s not the distance nor the time it takes to traverse it that bothers me. I’m happy to fly east for a long weekend on a moment’s notice. Unfortunately that’s an expensive proposition these days. Do you know they even charge $50 to go stand-by?! Not to fully change your ticket. That’s one half of $100 for the chance to fly earlier. If you don’t get on the flight you just paid $50 for less sleep and an nervous stomach! The gaul!

Today, after a whirlwind vacation with my family, R’s family, and my family of B.C. friends I miss all that’s back east more than I have over the past ten, happy months. But among the hundreds of things that I actually do love about my life here is the fact that 99% of my new friends and “family” totally get it because they too call the East coast home.

Also, I’m writing this from my backyard 😉