I remember watching the old church ladies who sat in the front row of my suburban New Jersey church roll their eyes as a jeans clad parishioner precessed up for Communion. “What do they think this is??” I could hear their eye-rolls says, “the Costco?!”
Two weeks ago I had a similar reaction to a young professional I saw sporting a less than professional, but not doubt young, look. “What do they think this is??” I said out loud to the wall of my cubicle, “a Hollywood club?!”
I am not old, nor am I a church lady, and I have been know to take some real fashion risks, but there is a time and a place and a season and a standard. And there is also, apparently, an age when you look at some of the wilder fashion trends and go, “how dare she!” versus what you used to say, which was, nothing.
Five Fashion Trends I Cannot Get Behind/You Know You’re Old When…
1. Leggings as pants (without a long shirt covering your butt).
To me this is the clear plastic bra straps of the new Millennium. Tight pants are one (bad enough) thing, but not pants are another. If you wanna rock them with your glitter Ugg boots to pick up coffee at Joan’s on Third, go for it, but the office should be reserved as a zone where people remain curious about the exact outline of your buttocks and twinkie (the term my former ballet teacher bizarrely used for crotch).
2. Black lace bras under see-through shirts.
This is a big West Coast thing, and, I will be honest, I enjoy it at the right venues. Those venues do not include work, a fine dinner establishment or a baby shower. Now I’m going to say something that I will likely live to regret, so I’ll blame the church lady now living on my shoulder: you look like a hussy.
3. Beanie hats in-doors, all day
Fedoras, cowboy hats, J. Lo floppies, some berets – all reasonable hats to wear indoors as a piece of your ensemble. They are a fashion item. Wool beanies made popular by ski instructors and people who are freezing cold are a function item. No, I cannot explain to you why a guy wearing a wool beanie makes me aggressively roll my eyes and a girl wearing a floppy beret does not, but it probably has something to do with the fact that the girl is me, and that I am now old.
4. Raccoon eyes
Seriously, what are you doing? Trying to make your eyes look bigger (they don’t)? Expressing your anger through make-up application (that’s weird)? Showing your support for actual raccoons (they don’t want it)? You look weird, and sad, and like you think this brunch restaurant is a futuristic Vogue editorial spread (which it might be, but you’re not in it). Smokey eyes = sexy. Black eyes = who hit you?
5. Platform shoes so high you can only wear them sitting down
See above. Replace sad with “freakishly tall” and Vogue editorial spread with “couture runway show.”
6. Insane up-dos
This one is the most curious to me. I understand a sloppy pony or a loose bun. I’m also kinda into that thing where you make a big loop and plop it on top of your head. What I can’t get behind is this look where the pony tail is akin to a dirty rats nest that sits somewhere neither top, nor back, nor side of the head. I have a feeling the look is meant to say, “I care so little about this day/myself/you that I’m just going to make rave hands with my hair and then slap a hair tie around it.” So if that’s what you’re going for, mission accomplished.
There was a time when these fashion infractions wouldn’t make me look twice. I lived in Manhattan for five years, after all. But it would appear that I’m shifting from a Greenwich Village freak-show enthusiast to a judgmental old church lady…with a blog.
Please share your own old church lady fashion opinions in comments, so I don’t feel like the only curmudgeon under the age of 60.
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Probably a more “suburban” problem, but it kills me to see girls out in public in pajama or sweatpants and/or slippers. Was the thought of putting on a pair of jeans really too much for you to handle/too fancy for your trip to the mall? They’re jeans for crying out loud! I just shake my head.
Gosh, I’m with you on all of these. Raccoon eyes are the worst. Why in the world would anyone want to look battered? It’s horrible. I also hate sunglasses worn inside and on non-rainy days. When I was a kid I NEVER saw that and for some reason it annoys me beyond vexation.
I hate hate haaaaaate leggings as pants! No matter HOW skinny you are (I’m actually okay with them at the gym, but I feel they are a privilege, not a right). Leggings should be worn with shirts that cover your ovaries.
And the visible clear bra straps? Is totally still a problem.
THE HAIR THING. OH GOD. Don’t they understand that it doesn’t look good at all?!
Also leggings as pants. Bleeeech.
fyi – you have “5 things” in the headlines twice but list 6. you may want to update! (I thought you were a writer?)
@Anonymous I am a writer, but that doesn’t make me immune from dumb counting errors. Thanks for pointing this one out. I updated it to match!
I’m with you on almost all of these, but you MUST allow some forgiveness on the platforms. A good chunk of my shoedrobe, including my very favorite pair of Chloes with a 4 inch stacked heel, fall under the ‘out to dinner only’ category. 🙂