R and I will be spending this Memorial Day weekend here in Los Angeles. In honor of this vacation in our own city – sorry, why use five words when you can use one, and it can be as adorbs as STAYCATION! – I’ve decided we should throw ourselves the most cliched L.A. weekend non-getaway possible. I love a plan. I love a plan with a theme even more, and I love a plan with a theme that is ridiculous most of all!!

Here is precisely how we shall go about executing this most Los Angeles weekend known to man:

• Wake up at 9am every day, call this “sleeping in,” rejoice. 

• Make breakfast together from final remains of last week’s farmer’s market shopping. Marvel at just how superior the farmer’s market eggs are to all other eggs.

• I will go for a haircut at a trendy, overpriced salon on Fairfax where I’ll show my stylist images of Rachel Bilson and ask her to attempt to recreate her entire person on my head. Prior to my cut, I will stop into Commissary on Fairfax for the most expensive cup of coffee currently available in this city. There I will see 10-15 people I know, all of whom will be sitting with their writing partners working on their scripts. 

• R will play tennis (La Cienega courts), likely with a TV writer friend who is stressed out about staffing season. R will also play basketball (Robertson courts), likely with a group of screenwriter friends who are stressed out about their spec scripts.

• We will go to Silver Lake for whatever hipster festival they’re having in Silver Lake this weekend. There we’ll pop into stores featuring items we cannot afford slash understand, comment that the Spice Station is the coolest store in any neighborhood in any city, and complain about how long the line for Intelligentsia coffee is. I’ll be wearing a hipster costume in a desperate attempt to fit in. R will be wearing a navy blue Polo polo and will say, “all these people are dressed weird, including you.” 

• We’ll stop into Joan’s on Third to stock up for the Cemetery Screening on Saturday night. It’s Sabrina, so we’ll convince ourselves that fewer people will show up, full-well knowing 5,000 people are already in line.  At the screening we will see 10-15 people we know (5-9 of whom were also at Commissary that morning). Topics of conversation will include how amazing the Silver Lake festival was, thoughts on Moonrise Kingdom, and how stressed out people are about staffing season.

• At least one night of the weekend will end with drinks at one of the three acceptable bars on Sunset and/or Hollywood.  Someone will say, “Hollywood really isn’t that bad.”Someone else will say, “yeah but it’s so out of the way.” 

•  I will go to 3rd Street Dance for my Zumba class with Raul. Mavis and Bill won’t be there today because they’re taking their grandkids to Disneyland, but Trini will be, and she’s bringing these new gluten-free blondies she got at a bakery up in Topanga for everyone to try.

• I will attempt to write for an entire afternoon. 1/2 of that time will be spent re-editing things I’ve already written, and the other 1/2 will be spent on one page of dialogue for one scene of a 115 page script I told myself I’d finish four weeks ago.

• R will fall asleep on the couch reading the following: scripts, Sports Illustrated, the New York Times, Los Angeles magazine, his Twitter feed.

• We will hike Runyon Canyon and, while doing do, discuss/fight over how much more fun hiking Runyon Canyon would be with a dog.  Conversation will continue over brunch at the West Hollywood brunch spot we swear is a total secret. There we will see Busy Phillips for the second time, remark that no where is sacred, and that if she’s going to be at our brunch place she should at least be there with Michelle Williams. Aren’t they lesbian lovers or something?

• We will take a drive to the beach intending to lay out on the beach. I will wear something neon, a giant hat, and bright pink pastel lipstick. We will both wear aviators. It will be at least 15 degrees colder at the beach than it is in “town”, so we will stay for brunch then drive back and crash the pool at the SLS Hotel for the rest of the afternoon.

• We’ll do our week’s worth of grocery shopping at the Melrose Place Farmer’s Market. There we will revel at the insanely low cost of remarkable produce while secretly hoping to god we see Don Cheadle again. 

• Someone will have a BBQ in their twinkle-light strewn backyard. We’ll bring way-too-expensive sausages from Lindy & Grundy on Fairfax and some cold, quinoa salad I found on Pinterest.  Topics of conversation at the BBQ will include: what movies people have seen, whether or not people love or hate Girls, who’s reading 50 Shades of Grey, and how stressed out everyone is about staffing season.

I think that about covers it! Now all I need to do is inform slash convince R of the plan. Maybe I won’t tell him at all, and see if he guesses. I’ll probably need to add a stop at Pressed Juicery and a half hour tending to our herb garden in that case…