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June 18, 2013

How To Be 30, According to Kareem Abdul Jabbar, Who I Briefly Knew While In Utero

June 18, 2013

Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?

June 18, 2013
(I had not idea this was an actual show on Style Network, but I’m grateful for the logo)

If you are currently or have ever planned a wedding in which you are the one getting married, then you’ve definitely passionately exclaimed the line: it’s my wedding!

Maybe it was followed by, “I know you want a mariachi band, but…” or, “I understand you’d prefer that I didn’t wear a black dress, but…” or, “I respect your need to read a Dr. Seuss poem, but…”

(Note: none of the above have actually happened to me…yet)

You were not wrong. You are slash were the one getting married. Without that key detail, the event would not exist. No one but you and your betrothed accomplishes anything at the event remotely paramount to what you do (that being join together for a lifetime). It is, by definition, your wedding.

But it’s also kind of not.

You’re probably not paying for absolutely every detail, but even if you are, it still isn’t yours and yours alone.

This is something you realize very shortly after getting engaged, but it isn’t something you appreciate until several months after that (in my case, two, but I’m an overachiever). 

At first it’s all about your vision, your dreams, what the event will say about you and the man/woman you are marrying. You want to host your friends and family at a celebration that says “us” and no one else. If you’re anything like R and me those visions and dreams mostly surround food and music. I’ll fess up to a very specific vision of what the center pieces should and should not look like, and we both also really want to achieve a mini destination feel, but it’s mostly about the F+B as my wedding planner friend Annie’s adorable “Speak Wedding” flashcards say (yes, that’s a plug. Now go buy a set!).

But as the planning days go on you start to think about how the event will unfold. How will my mom and dad feel as they move through the day? How will our friends have the absolute most fun? Whose comfort should we consider when it comes to things like that all-important food and music? What can we do to create special moments for the people who aren’t in the wedding party?

Anyone will tell you that you can’t make everyone happy, and they’re right. But anyone who tells you that your happiness is the only thing that matters on that day is wrong, in my humble, two-months engaged opinion.

I’ll go so far as to say that most of the people who will be in attendance the day you get married had something to do with getting you to that point. Perhaps they raised you to be the woman the man you’re marrying chose to be his wife? Perhaps they told you not to $*&! it up after first meeting that man, three years ago? Perhaps they’re going to slave away on those perfect center pieces, mostly because they’re your sisters and they have no choice, but also because they want you to have exactly what you want.

I’ve been thinking about those elements as more of the details of R’s and my special day come together. Luckily we already share the values, music taste and love-of-food as both of our families, but I think it’s about more than just having a table with our parents’ and grandparents’ wedding pictures on display. I think it’s about throwing an event that represents who we are but also who has been behind us every step of the way – since long before the planning began.

I know that a few it’s my wedding cries will creep out of my mouth between now and the big day, but deep down I don’t want it to be only my wedding – I want it to be our wedding, and I want that our to include more than just R and me.

But, just to be very clear, I’ll be managing all center piece decisions, R is completely and totally in charge of music, and neither of us can be swayed from the decision to have bread pudding instead of a wedding cake (don’t worry Moms, we’ll cut a small cake for ceremonial purposes, but it will be carrot).

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