This morning I spent 25 minutes and two really nice shirts attempting to eat a grapefruit, hence this post.

This is not a means to develop New Years Resolutions in one plus months time or some kind of whoa-is-me post, it’s simply a collection of facts…that I’d love if the 30-year-olds among you could agree with in comments.

10. Eat a grapefruit – Are you supposed to have one of those spoons with the teeth on the edge to make this happen without spraying juice all over the place? I literally have no idea. I’ve seen people do it many times before and yet my attempts ended in approximately two scoops of grapefruit in my mouth and three cups of grapefruit juice on my kitchen floor. I considered YouTubing it but that just felt too lame to bare, even along in my apartment wearing my work slippers.

9. Blow dry my hair – I can make my hair dry with the use of a blow dryer but I can’t “blow out” my hair, as the cool girls say. This is partly because I had curly hair for most of my life, but it’s mostly because whenever I start in on the sections with the clips and the round brush business my arms get really tired, and I give up.

8. Understand health insurance – Deductible and premium are two works that I will never fully get in the context of health insurance. Luckily I have fairly good insurance through my freelance gig, but there may come a time when I have to fend for myself coverage wise, and if that time comes I will be very, very screwed.

7. Crack and egg without getting shell in the bowl – This doesn’t happen to me 100% of the time, but it happens enough times to be both annoying and concerning. I’ve taken to blaming the fancy eggs R gets at the Farmer’s Market, but we both know that’s a lie we’re both letting me get away with.

6. De-plane a plane without completely losing my mind – The lack of efficiency with which other people exit an airplane is infuriating. It’s as if they’re not equally dying to get off the germ-infested, fresh air void, leg-cramped vessel. I am admittedly at my worst as a human when sitting in my seat waiting for slow people to grab their things out of the overhead bin and walk in a straight line, but I feel my behavior is justified.

5. Read in the car without getting car sick – Guys, I can’t even look at my iPhone map for too long without getting a head ache. It’s so mortifying. My mom claims that Harry Potter cured her of car sickness because she was so engaged in the book that she didn’t even think about feeling nauseous, but I’ve already read Harry Potter so it seems I’m screwed for life.  

4. Finish a can of seltzer – Or a glass… Or, while we’re at it, a cup of coffee, tea or juice of any kind. In fact, the only beverage I seem to be able to drink without letting it get too warm (beer, seltzer, etc.) or cold (coffee) is a dirty martini. I can’t explain this other than to say I get really full when drinking liquids. This made the three-day Pressed Juice cleanse I once attempted the worst three days of my life.

3. Paint my own nails – Can’t do it, and it’s not just because I’ve been spoiled by cheap, perfect manicures for the past decade. I blame the fact that I’m left handed, but the truth is I’m impatient and never know how much polish is too much polish to have on the brush.

2. Play a sport – This is technically untested because there are plenty of sports that I have never tried to play, but the fact is that at this given moment I am capable of playing zero sports. Not even tennis. I’m considering asking R for a tennis racket for the holidays but then I’ll have to learn how to use it which feels like a pretty herculean task.

1. Not eat way too much cheese if there is a lot of cheese available – I used to think it was a will-power issue but now I know it’s a physical impossibility. I am currently doing a vegan-before-6PM thing so I can’t be within 100 yards of cheese at any given moment.