Please forgive my absence last week. I’m getting married in exactly two months, and my brain is a combination of mush, rhinestone earring options, and numbers that don’t add up to our total budget. Oh, and the three scripts I’m supposed to be writing (which I am writing, if you are a person currently representing my career…).

But seriously, now is a critical time in the planning of one’s nuptials, so I feel its my duty to prepare those of you blessed with more time than two months with what’s comin’ down the mountain. 

1. Something Will Go Wrong

My hope for you is that it’s not something like, say, finding yourself down one wedding DJ on the same day that all the custom ties you ordered for our groomsmen come in a complete disaster, but even that can be overcome with some quick emailing, a long trip to Macy’s, and more money than you intended to spend! Two months is plenty of time to fix almost everything, so try not to stress. Especially because, according to my Mom, bad things happen in 3’s! So you’ll need to save that sense of calm for the third shitty thing!

2. You Will Question Every Decision You’ve Made

The other day I was like, I love bright colors and bold patterns! Why am I having a mixed metallic wedding with all white florals if I love bright colors and bold patterns?! I should change everything!!! And then I thought about what it would take to change everything, got exhausted, and did another set of this Bride Arms You Tube video I found.

3. You Will Stop Caring About The Money

It goes like this, “this is our one shot. Are we really going to split hairs over 200…500…1,500 dollars??” And suddenly that high horse you’ve been riding about your sensible budget that absolutely does not need to be expanded for things that aren’t 100% necessary keels over.

4. People Will Start To Get Excited – Very Excited

The invites are mostly out and so you will begin to receive the sweetest messages from people near and far about how excited they are about your wedding. And you will, for a brief time, remember what this whole thing is all about and stop searching for the absolute perfect bridal hair comb because every aunt, uncle, cousin and best friend is just there to see you marry your one true love.

5. You Will Avoid Everyone You Couldn’t Invite Like The Plague

You will not be able to invite everyone (probably), and this will cause you endless guilt and grief. And so as a defense mechanism you will avoid being in the same place (digital or physical) with those people for the coming two months and likely several months after the wedding. And yet, if one of them couldn’t invite you for budget or space reasons, you would totally understand. There’s no crying in baseball and there’s no logic in wedding planning.

6. You Will Forget To Think About the Actual Wedding Ceremony, And Then When You Think About It, You Will Cry

Not to toot our horns, but R and I haven’t been one of those couples who plan an amazing party and don’t give two seconds of thought to the part of it that matters most. We’ve been working on the ceremony for some time, and yet I haven’t envisioned myself going through those motions like I have, say, envisioned the exact face I will make the moment I see R for the first time. So it was both delightful and terrifying to work on our ceremony music, hear the song I’ll be walking down the aisle to and cry like a child.

7. You Will Wonder Why You Registered For 90% of the Things You Registered For

 Once the invites go out, the gifts come in, and suddenly you will find yourself fully equipped to hold a formal Thanksgiving dinner for 14 people even though you currently live in a one bedroom apartment that comfortably feeds four small adults. I suspect this is why so many couples buy a house shortly after getting married. It just feels wrong to let all those massive dinner party supplies go to waste!

8. You Will Wish You’d Taken an Excel Class in College

Some Excel pro should take a note from the YouTube Bride Body Boot Camp craze and make a video all about how to quickly create spreadsheets that do cool stuff like add up numbers. Or better yet, make the templates and sell them on Etsy.

9. You Will Have A Minimum of Two Wedding Nightmares Per Week 

My most recent favorite was one where we got lost on our way from the hotel to the venue and just never ever found it.

10. You Will Get a Little Diva About It All

For example: I never thought I wanted engagement photos because I didn’t know what I would do with them and kind of think they’re corny and the budget and the timeline and blah blah blah. But then I decided this is a really special time in our lives where we both look damn good, and I want it captured forever! And so we spent several hours yesterday at a very special location with a bag of props and two costume changes. Also, I got my hair and make-up done.  When in Rome?

(Note: if you too find yourself in this situation, I implore you to contact the incredible photographer we worked with yesterday. Her name is Avia, and she will take very good care of you.)

It’s all going to be okay, they tell me, and on most days I believe them. But on days when I don’t I try to remember that if the whole things falls apart but I still end up married to R at the end of Saturday, May 10th, and that will be enough. Well, that and the killer wedding gown that I can’t return.