I don’t usually write about my birthdays until my actual day of birth, but this year I’ve been thinking about the whole ordeal much more than at previous turns.

I will be 29 on August 7th. That’s one month from last Saturday.

I cannot remember if my little girl self had thoughts about what I’d be doing as a 29-year-old. I remember thinking I’d be married around 25, but that’s the last milestone I assigned an age…I think.

The reason I’m writing about being 29 before actually turning 29 is because I don’t want to arrive at the day without having given it ample thought. I feel like this specific age requires more thought than the others. Yes, 30 is the biggie, but somehow 29 feels equally important. Like, don’t wait until 30 to freak out when you can prep for the freak out at 29. If, of course, freaking out is the intention.

I don’t quite know what to think, or what to intend. I’m sort of scared, but I don’t know what I’m scared about. I’m sort of excited, and I think that excitement is mostly centered around my career, my relationship, my general hopes for what’s to come.  I sort of don’t want to make a big deal about it – 29 is just a number. But I sort of want to make a huge deal about it – 29!!! One year from 30!!! The absolute last year of my 20s!!!

Part of me feels like I have to make a decision about my stance on this birthday before it sneaks up on me – hence this post. I will either decide to be scared or annoyed or excited or carefree. Then upon my actual birthday, I will act accordingly. If I decide I’m scared then I’ll talk a lot about being scared and probably drink too many martinis on the actual day. If I decide I’m annoyed then I’ll blow it off, wear jeans to my party – if I even have one – and say people who care about birthdays are missing the point.

If “thoughtful” is a way to feel upon turning 29 then I think that’s what I’d like to choose. I want to be aware, grateful, forward-thinking but past-embracing. I want to know what I like about who and where I’ve been and know what I want to change going forward. That sounds grand, but I feel grand, and if there’s anything I know I don’t want it’s to be fake about whatever I feel approaching 29.

My friend Lindsey and I were discussing this very topic the other day en route to post-pedicure coffees. She said, “I’ve been feeling a combination of nostalgic and really hopeful lately.” She is around my same age and also preparing for a wedding this fall. I told her I felt the same, and also other things, and also things I couldn’t define.

Maybe that’s the whole point? Maybe we’re just supposed to be really aware of ourselves as we turn around year. Whatever it is we feel is fine so long as we acknowledge it and use it to take the next steps forward.

I can handle that at one month from 29.

How about you?