People talk about our social world being all grey area. That nothing is ever really black or white. That all things are open for interpretation. It could mean this, but it could also, if you look at it from another perspective – after a few drinks – in a completely different outfit, mean that. There are no absolute truths.

I think that’s a crock of shit.

Certain things are just true – absolutely true. They’re tried, tested, and consistently either black or white. They may not be good or fair or even convenient, but they are true. Considering how much of “adult” life is legitimately blurry, I think we need to draw lines where we can. That way we’ll all be on the same page when possible and can refocus our efforts on overanaylzing actual confusing matters – like how to save money.

With that – a new series: Absolute Truths (thank you Kevin). Edition one: IM in adulthood

• You would get 80% more work done if you weren’t online at work.
• People who say, “I’m online at work because we use it to communciate internally” are lying. They may use it to communicate internally, but that’s not why they’re online.
• No argument, no matter how big or small, should ever be conducted over IM, ever.
• When people say, “oh, you IMed me? Weird, I never saw that.” they are lying.
• LOLing is over. In the adult world it can be replaced by a HAHA, BA/DA HAHA, or Mwuahahaha depending on the intensity and meaning of the reaction.
• Straight men do not use OMG.
• Away messages should now exclusively be used to communicate your location (i.e. Meeting uptown). Simple news links, holiday greetings, or default messages are also acceptable options. Personal mood announcements, meaningful song lyrics, and sarcasm referencing anything are not.
• Think twice – no – think five times before giving your screename to a guy you’ve seen less than three – no – eight times.
• If you are not online – for personal (as in, “I was done with IM after college”) or work (because your company is smart enough to block it) reasons – you are missing out. The first place most people find out about most things is still online.
• Switching your screenname from your former, hysterical, college/high school identity to a more work appropriate option is totally valid. Switching to another, new hysterical adult identity is not.
• A person’s entire personality cannot be discerned by their IM behavior. But 80% of it can.

Looking them over I realize some might not be completely, 100% truth, but they should be, so let’s just go with them and be done.