*A little levity from the heavy, relationship talk

Much like those mysteries of the universe, there are things we encounter etiquette wise that no one’s quite written the rule on. Not like Emily Posts’s guidance on wedding gifts and thank you notes. More like do you tell your boss who you wildly respect that you’re unhappy and looking for a new job? Or, if you’re at dinner with people who can all afford far more than you can, do you ask to split the bill by meal?

A(nother) new series: Modern Etiquette. Today’s question: Is it ever okay to walk around naked in the gym locker room?

The funny thing about being naked at the gym (or really anywhere) is that it’s never 100% necessary. Nakedness is a choice – the choice to not take advantage of the options available to cover onesself (towels, robes, post-shower transitional clothing, tissues). For the purposes of this discuss we’ll stick to pre and post shower nakeness (because any other nakeness is even less necessary.)

Unless you’ve simply forgotten a towel (which is possible but embarrassing given they’re everywhere) you’re naked in the locker room pre or post shower because you want to be. And everyone around you knows it. They know that there are towels and robes and clothing and tissues and that you’ve opted against them. Also, you have to dry yourself. So at some point in the process you were holding a towel.

Given this logic, I say prance with caution. It’s not that there’s anything wrong with the naked body or that it’s offensive to others – it’s just that it’s weird. Given all the options, you’d rather be naked in front of other people. It begs the question – why? Why would you rather be naked in front of everyone? Yes, I know the towels are tiny, but if you can’t be bothered to wrap just hold one up for crying out loud. Our privates are conveniently grouped in the front for your convenience.

Based on what I’m seeing out there, here are some common answers as to why, given all options available, you’ve decided on naked:

• I ran into the shower and just forgot a towel: Fine, but did you really? Because there are towels outside the locker room and also towels inside the shower area, plus you had a towel with you the whole time you were working out, no?
• I’m examining a mole that I recently found under my armpit and want to now check out up close because there are mirrors here in this locker room: Yeah. No. There are mirrors lots of other places and…you know what….just no.
• I want to weigh myself without any clothes on: This is among the more legit rationales. Just make it quick. Also, do not walk from the shower to the scale dripping wet (and of course naked), weigh yourself, and then go find your towel to dry off and dress. A. you weigh more wet B. you’re dripping all over the floor and that’s just rude
• In between taking off my clothes and putting on my work-out clothes I realized I have to go to the bathroom: Hold it.

Bottom line (pun intended) – think twice before you make your privates public. We know what’s up (again, intended) and we’re making assumptions that, in this case, just make an ass out of you.