You meet someone at a bar. Chances are it happened one of three ways: He sidled over and gave you a random but acceptable line (“hey, is that a vodka soda you’ve got there, or a vodka tonic?”). You danced around him until you were essentially dancing with him (watching this happen is among life’s greatest joys). Or someone introduced you two (meaning you don’t technically have to say “we met at a bar” – lucky). From there it generally proceeds as follows:

• “So what brings you here tonight?”
  (Pray you don’t hear 21st birthday, my bachelorette party, or high school graduation)
• Nice. I’m here with my (insert an acceptable friend or colleague group).
• “Do you live in the city?”
  (Focus on maintaining normal facial expressions in the event you hear: No, I’m in from LA. Nope, with my parents in Jersey. Or which city?).
• “Oh great, where abouts?”
  (At this point anything below 126th is acceptable – just smile and nod)
• “Nice I (insert comment praising or insulting neighborhood based on desire for future conversation/ass) there once/all the time/today.”
• “And what do you do?”
  (The wild card. Run through your list of deal-breaker professions and hope for the best)
• “Gotcha, I (relate described job to someone you know/knew/make up) in that same industry. Very cool.”
  (Home free. Continue on with job-related small talk if acceptable compatibility is established or excuse yourself for the bathroom and never come back).

What is your name? Why are you here? What do you do? Where do you live? This is how 85% of all interactions in Manhattan begin. Why?

Logic would suggest these starter Q&A’s are our way of weeding people out. That from these basics we’ll be able to establish the massive dealbreakers. But will we really? When you break it down – it’s not the most telling info.

• Name: The polite way to begin and the thing you’re least likely to remember
• Reason for being there: Breaking the ice – forming common ground – you don’t know how else to start
• Profession: Interesting no doubt, but still a one-three word answer that’s really easy to lie about
• Location: Maybe most important. Nobody wants someone completely GU

What are we really accomplishing here? If it’s actually true what Oprah says – forgive me – since it’s always true what Oprah says, then dating is a business. But are these interview questions our best strategy? Consider the following alternatives:

• “So, how was your day”
  Simple. Direct. Open ended. Yes it’s a tiny bit Mom-at-the-dinner-table, but think of just how much info you get from that one simple question — general demeanor, outlook on life, level of stress. Plus you come across as sensitive and thoughtful – bed points for you.
• “Can you believe this (insert applicable NYC news topic that any intelligent individual should know about i.e. taxi cab strike, random Guilliani scandal, easy sports reference) situation?!
  A real winner. With this you procure relative intelligence, political sentiments, and ability to form an opinion. Conversation gold. Just pray the person doesn’t know way more about it than you do.
• “Could you hold my drink while I run to the bathroom?”
  I’m not kidding. This may be the most direct indicator of whether or not the questioned party has any interest in you. Would you hold a drink for someone who you wanted to continue a conversation with? Yes. Would you if you didn’t? No. I rest my case. Right. Roofies. Well if you’re worried then don’t actually drink it when you get back. You can sacrifice one vodka soda for the potential love of your life.

Adapt as you will, but if it’s all about those first five minutes of chemistry assessment, why not mix it up a little with some queries that could really narrow it down? Then slowly but surely we could adapt to the point of asking the real questions we want answered:

• How drunk are you?
• Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
• Are you now or have you ever been gay?