This one is simple but, if I might say so myself, revolutionary.

I’ve been spending a lot of time milling around dog parks lately. I don’t have a dog, or hang out with anyone who does, but it’s gotten nice out, and I don’t know what to do with myself now that the Festival is over.

I’m not too familiar with dog-owning etiquette, but through these recent Jane Goodall sessions I’ve observed fascinating patterns of behavior observed by man and his best friend. The most fascinating among them occurs anytime one dog approaches another with the intention of contact (face licking, snout biting, butt sniffing, etc.). One dog owner pulls back on his dog’s leash and asks the other dog owner, “is she friendly?” The other dog owner responds based on the personality and general mood of his dog: “Yes, but she doesn’t like to play rough,” or, “usually, but today she’s feeling shy,” or, plainly, “no, she’s not.” Green light – dogs play. Red light – both dog owners move on.

Simple, social brilliance.

Apparently it’s a universal dog interacting rule. You have to ask before your dog gets access to play. The purpose is utilitarian in origin: some dogs are more aggressive than others and just don’t play nice. Some dog owners don’t want their dogs in contact with others because the dog has flees, or a head cold, or can’t keep his you know what in his pants. There are a myriad of reasons all managed easily and with no argument by the very simple, “is she friendly?” access point question. No means no, and you can’t argue with it. Yes can be qualified (“sure, but I like to keep her on a leash” or “she’s temperamental, but you can try”), but it’s a go-ahead. It works on multiple levels. A. a dog owner knows their dog best. They can assess who should have access and in what manner. And B. dogs can’t talk. This needs no further explanation.

You see where this is going. We should be doing this. It could single-handedly solve all awkward approach interactions.

Consider this: In the human scenario the owner is replaced by a friend or family member. Prior to interacting the interested party is required to approach the friend to ask for permission to proceed. “Is she friendly?” applies (note: use of “she” and not “he” is only because I’m a girl and he/she looks ugly in print), but we could shift to something more generic, “can I talk to her?” or “is she available?” It’s then up to the friend or guardian to grant permission. Ground rules would be established prior to any outing (“okay, tonight we’re rejecting anyone under 5’9” and people who dress like they watch Gossip Girl” or just “anyone with a penis, unless they’re drinking a vodka-soda-cran”). Then proceed as directed. Sure mistakes could be made, and there is room for sabotage, but poor judgment is easily corrected:

Friend: That guy was sniffing you out but I pre-rejected him because I overheard talk about the Dallas Cowboys.
You: Hhmm, thanks, but I’m going to overturn it. I’m desperate.

The process is just as effective the other way around. Envision the following:

Guy: Hi, is that your friend right there? I’d like permission to talk to her.
Friend: Yeah, she’s with me, but she’s involved in a mess with this married guy and tends to be pretty possessive, so I’d say abort mission, but it’s up to you.

Done. If he gets bit in the ass, it’s on him.

It’s a totally new concept for the old “wing man” definition but one I argue could really create greater social efficiency and an end to the awkward mouthing of “PLEASE SAVE ME” known to bar goers the world round. It too works on multiple levels. A. friends know each other very well. They can assess who should have access and in what manner. And B. people’s judgement is usually clouded by an irrational desire to talk to someone who has any remote interest in them. This needs no further explanation.

Yes, I realize this implies we’re all hopeless puppies with no control over our tendency to hump things or pee when we’re excited. But face it, a loving owner to tug at our leash when something poorly trained comes sniffing would help avoid scenarios that end with our tails between our legs…or the invention of Puggles.