I have this one particularly cynical friend. Not cynical like “all politicians lie” and “sunscreen is a farce.” Cynical like “soul mates are for Disney movies” and “no one in New York gets anywhere on their own merits.” Cynical like a 24-year-old living pay check to pay check.

It’s not that he’s been burned one too many times or that he’s just negative by nature. It’s that he’s too smart for his own good. His cynical is that dangerous combination of realism and sarcasm. Not George cynical. He’s Jerry cynical. He’s not out to rain on any parades (at least not when sober). He’s just not personally going to fall for any farces. He’s a perfectly content guy with a tightly-tuned Bullshit-Ometer. It’s modern cynicism.

You can imagine my surprise, now knowing my friend, upon hearing what I heard him say this past weekend:

Him: Oh I’m going to put that on my vision board.

Me: I’m sorry?

Him: My vision board. It’s a part of my channeling of positive energy process.

Me: Your what?

Him: The Secret. I read it, and I’m doing it.

Me: Doing what?

Him: Everything The Secret says to do.

The Secret, for those of you who don’t know anyone who has recently gotten dumped and/or live under a rock, is the Celestine Prophecy of ’07 – a book/website/DVD franchise with a cult-like following among everyone from my quite religious mother to the commandment breaking Samantha Jones (seen reading it on the beach hour 2 of Sex and the City: The Movie!!, obvi). It’s similar to that Eat, Pray, Love book of Oprah fame (Spoiler alert!!: woman is freak/wants divorce. After much crying on bathroom floor gets once-in-a-lifetime writing assignment/paid vacation to three amazing locales with convenient book title-perfect theme. Gains 20 lbs in Italy, annoys shit out of legitimate meditating people in India, finds another guy the minute she arrives in Bora Bora/some island, obvi fated. Has found meaning of life/is back where she started). Except with The Secret you don’t have to drop everything and travel the world. You just have to write down what you want and think about it really, really hard. Then it will happen.

• From The Secret’s website: The Secret reveals the most powerful law in the universe. The knowledge of this law has run like a golden thread through the lives and the teachings of all the prophets, seers, sages and saviors in the world’s history, and through the lives of all truly great men and women. All that they have ever accomplished or attained has been done in full accordance with this most powerful law.

• From The Onion’s website:

  The Secret—the new self-help book and DVD that purports to channel ancient wisdom and claims that if you ask the universe for something, it will be delivered—has become a nationwide phenomenon. Here are some of the book’s tips:

  *You deserve whatever you want no matter how awful you are

  *Try not to use any critical-thinking skills or logic when pondering concept of The Secret

  *Please allow universe six to eight millennia to deliver

  *You can never be too tan

So you see. It’s a cynic’s play thing. And yet my friend fell – hard and fast apparently.

• Back to their website:

  The Secret explains with simplicity the law that is governing all lives, and offers the knowledge of how to create – intentionally and effortlessly – a joyful life. This is the secret to everything – the secret to unlimited happiness, love, health and prosperity.

  This is the secret to life.

Hard to argue with and yet containing no legitimate points.

But again, it got my cynical friend to write down positive images and place them beside his bead because channeling thoughts through dreams is integral to the process, of course.

I’m going to read it. Not because I think I’ll believe it, but because it’s too much of a cultural phenomenon to ignore. Of course, that thinking is how I ended up with a Gigapet…

Full report following as much of the book as I can get through. Read along if you please/want to be happy forever.