Awhile back I swallowed the collective pride of my group of girlfriends (and 3 of the guys) and created a match.com account. It was, at the time, all anyone was talking about (now it’s high-waisted pants). Everyone had a colleague or cousin or book club member who had tried Match and had a lot to say in the form of vague descriptions that all ended with “you really have to try it to find out.” It was as if they were all part of a weird marketing anti-strategy to confuse the public into joining to finally quell their curiosity.

I figured if something could prompt that much conversation, question, and fear – one of us has to join it.

I committed for a month. One stressful month in which I re-wrote my 200-word, entire-self description 24 times (is fun-loving and easy-going the same thing?), corresponded with four people (one of whom I knew before) and determined that my skin tone must make me appear Indian (40% of my total “winks” were from Indian men). Oh – and received the most horrifying email of my life, to date.

In its entirety – there’s no other way:

“Cool that you like movies. I like all kinds of movies. I would like to ask you about an interest I have and see if you are open about it. Its not a requirement or a deal breaker. I find girls that do not shave their armpits attractive. Is that something you do or is it something you would be willing to do from time to time (if we hit it off)? Don’t get me wrong I like the completely shaved look too. This would only be something to do once in a while and mostly in the winter. Variety makes things more interesting. Let me know if you have any interests like this or anything in general.”
-JNTM2007

I dry heaved when I read that. Full on vomit would have been a waste of time – and vomit. That was the 4th (and last) email I received from JNTM2007 – aka Jeff. Our previous two exchanges were used to establish actual first names, neighborhoods we live in, and what we like to do for fun. Then…this. I’d say it’s out of left field, but left field is an actual place that things are, metaphorically, often from. This is out of a black hole.

To put you all at ease – no I will not be willing to do this from time to time. Not even once in awhile and mostly in the winter, but thanks for clarifying the seasonal element of your request, Jeff. I appreciate your attention to the potential chill under my arms. I generally wear a shirt though, so they’re nice and toasty, thanks. Thanks too for reminding me of the relative importance of variety. It does make things more interesting. Some even call it the spice of life. But, freak, I don’t think those people were quite imagining it applied to the versatility of experience in under-arm hair length.

Also, and even more importantly, I don’t even know your last name! Or if you’ve ever killed a guy! Or if you went to Notre Dame! Think maybe, just MAYBE the armpit hair request was a little premature?!

I’m taking it you don’t. So, sorry to disappoint, but while I have do interests in many things, in general, I don’t have any interests like this.

But, after relaying this epic email to two of my sisters, one of my cousins, and everyone in my immediate presence, I got to thinking. Is Jeff so wrong? I mean, obviously he’s wrong in timing, delivery, and for liking women with armpit hair. But is he so wrong in theory? If the kind of girl he’s looking for is represented by a willingness to not shave under her arms, for him, occasionally, then why not put that out there early on?

I’m torn – or maybe it’s blinded – by the detail and not the general message. If Jeff had said, “hey I really love bridge diving – is that something you’d ever be up for?” I’d politely say “no, but all power to you”. Even, “so I have to be honest, I refuse to date anyone who lives in Manhattan” I’d say, “That’s narrow-minded Jeff, but I’m an island girl.” No harm done.

Sure dating is a process of getting to know people, but if you know you want something, why not ask for it up front?

Feeling open-minded (but still nauseous) I tried to think of my own Jeff-like requests. Not requirements or deal breakers, but prospect enhancers:

• Appreciates my need to try out weird outfits, and talk about them

• Does not wear weird outfits
• Is not threatened by my many male friends who have many many crazy stories about me
• Non-smoking, non-drugging (not even socially acceptable drugs like Aderol)
• Loves brands with strong identity and good, consistent messaging

I looked it over and thought about it some more. No, I’d never blatantly bring these up, unprompted, in correspondence number four. There may be a sliver of sense in his approach – the “clock’s ticking, why waste time if she’s not right” approach. But it’s not for me – to this degree.

I’ve got nothing but time. Time to meet new guys, get to know them slowly, and shave under my arms.