In the recent tradition of the advice from the opposite, disqualified sex, comes a Men’s Health article outlining all the green flags that should tell you your girl is a keeper – a deal maker vs. deal breaker guide. It’s written by two, unmarried, 30-or-so women who claim that while, “women are notoriously bad at recognizing ‘The One’… we’re experts at knowing a good woman for you when we see her — it’s embedded in the female genetic code.” Hm – is it? And if it is, why aren’t we using this gift to set all the lonely people of the world up with people our magic genetic code assesses worthy? Either they’re wrong or we’re cruel.

Here are some of their rules, paraphrased, with my commentary, because if there’s one thing more embedded in the female genetic code, it’s hypocrisy.

She’s a keeper if . . .
She has at least one non–work-related hobby she’s passionate about.
“It means she knows how to have fun without a man and that she won’t need you constantly by her side. And if she continues to make time for her own friends (loyalty is good), she won’t freak out when you plan a poker night.”

• First, there are many hobbies that would prove she actually does not know how to have fun without a man/at all. But more importantly, just because she’s passionate about knitting doesn’t mean she won’t want you constantly by her side. I do agree that a lack of any interests outside of work (call it a “hobby”) is a problem, but this should be clear from her ability to hold a conversation, not her 4H Club membership card. Good start – too vague.

She likes treating you sometimes.
“It means she’ll approach relationships in a more egalitarian way — and when she says she’ll take you for richer or poorer, she’ll mean it.”

• It could also mean she makes more money than you and is not an asshole — or that it’s 2008. Women who are still not paying for anything should be required to wear those pointy-boobed bras so they’re easily distinguishable as relics from the 1960s. But, if she makes more money than you, she’s a keeper for that reason.

You can set your watch to her 30-minute gym visit.

“An active lifestyle means way more than having shuffled through a half-marathon 6 years ago.”

• Harsh! Sure active girls are fun girls – and usually fit girls. But compulsive exercisers and people consumed with their image/weight/muscle mass are not. The PC version of this would read, “She cares about nutrition and takes care of her body.”

She notices that you’re out of shaving cream and buys some; you arrive for a date and she’s cooking, with a good bottle of red already breathing; she initiates sex.

• Yes. Thoughtful is on the keepers list. Thoughtful with surprises, even better. But if her initiating sex is a surprise – be careful.

  This though, like her treating, seems like underachieving for the male set. She should do nice things that you need (buy shaving cream, cook dinner) – that’s called loving someone. The difference between good people and great people, daters and keepers, is in the details. She saw you totally wrapped up in an old episode of the sadly short-lived Sports Night and surprised you with the full DVD set. Or, your Mom casually mentioned that when you were sick you loved vegetable instead of chick soup, so he grabbed that the last time you had a cold. Keep her. She’s customizing kindness.

She knows how to harvest her own orgasms

“Then she can show you how to as well (ergo, no faking, and less pressure on you).”

• Now that’s specific, and legitimately good advice – though I’ll never think of the word “harvest” the same way. I do wonder what percentage of the male population would keep this trait versus fear how it was developed so expertly, but that’s another post…

Once in a while she plays Ann Coulter to your Al Franken. Or Maureen Dowd to your Rush Limbaugh.

• Fair point. But again, “has an opinion” should be a deal necessity, not enhancer. I’d like if this read – “In a conflict of opinion she can hold her own without resorting to the tactics of Ann Coulter or Rush Limbaugh.” She fights fair, smart, and well.

You’re in bed and can’t get something she said out of your head — and it wasn’t when the two of you were talking dirty.

• Read: you think she might be smarter than you. This is a whole other issue/blog. I’m not sure I think people are to be kept simply because they are smarter, but I once heard a guy, say in reference to the girl he was planning to marry, “I’m in love with the way her mind works.” Now that’s something to keep.

Did she dare to ask you out or sleep with you on the first date?

“We can’t tell you how many male friends have told us that first-date sex is a long-term deal breaker. It’s time to upgrade your thinking, gentlemen. This unabashed passion probably informs her work, her play, her politics, her future kids, her future libido, and more.”

• Okay. Asking someone out and sleeping with them on the first date are two very different things. I think we can all agree on that. Both are indicative of liberal thinking, yes, but there’s a range here, clearly. The structure of this one reads more like, “don’t rule her out just because she got drunk on the first date and gave in to her impulses.” Agreed, but not an indicator of her entire person. It is an indicator of how much she can/can’t drink, so use that as you please.

In the end I feel like this article should be called Is She An Interesting, Decent Human – not Is She The One, but maybe men aren’t looking for all the crazy-specific keeper qualities I think they should be after. If that’s the case – AWESOME.