A friend and I were g-chatting about second dates the other day. How they differ from first dates. What our mind sets are going in. We may or may not both have one soon, so the topic was whether or not we go into them with a certain agenda – a certain goal in mind, hypothetically speaking.

I said my agenda was to make the person like me more slash still. He laughed twice and agreed it was a valid objective, but he was more referring to what, after session one, we’re most trying to figure out via session two.

I said it’s whether or not we want a session three. He laughed, just once this time, and said, right, of course, but what are we looking for to help figure that out? How are we gathering whatever evidence we’ve decided we need?

I said I was sort of serious about the third date thing – that the desire represented whether or not we thought it was going anywhere. Going anywhere, of course, having two meanings. One – we date in a direction aimed toward eventual relationship status. And the other – we “date” because it’s fun to go to dinner and we want to hook up.

True – he admitted – but if, hypothetically, you’re going to play this one straight –meaning put effort into determining enough compatibility to take this somewhere real – then how do you go about using date two as a forum to figure it out?

I said how does “one” and how do “I” are two different questions. This time he just did one of those half-laughs, so I cut the crap.

If a second date is a second interview then what set of information are we hoping to acquire to help us make whatever decision we’re looking to make? In the case of both my friend and me – hypothetically – it’s whether there’s really something there or not.

People usually say, “it’s just a feeling” or “I can sense we won’t be a good fit.” False.

It’s very specific things you find out by asking calculated questions. The person’s answers end up out of or in line with what you were hoping for in this / any person. You love going to see live music in the East Village. You bring this up by mentioning that you’re excited about this upcoming show at this place you love to go. Has he heard of the group? Has she been to that place? It’s not as callous as, he knows them he’s in or she loves it there, go for date three. The person can still have an interest in your interests – even if they aren’t traditionally inclined toward a group called The Clap at a bar called Plan B. It is a process known colloquially as “getting to know someone” but, when applied to the dating arena, becomes the most difficult thing we’ve ever had to do. No sarcasm. I’m serious.

Maybe it’s that the confusion has nothing to do with the person you’re seeing a second time. If it’s a game of detective – asking questions to find evidence that points in a certain direction – you have to at least know what direction it should be pointing. You have to known what it is you’re looking for. Then you can focus conversation around those things you want to find to see how well poor Second Date fits. It’s the same approach you’d take to figuring out if a new job is right for you, but more subtle and way-less focused on how much money the person has to offer, hopefully.

“I guess I have to figure out what I want then,” my friend said.

Yes – an inconvenient step one. This is not chicken or egg. It’s seed then plant. You have to know the goal is cherries in order to find the right kind of seeds. (Thank you Poppop).

We like to blame much of our dating woes (or lack thereof) on the people we’re dating (or not). It fits in nicely with our general avoidance of all issues we don’t want to deal with. But as our enemy Logic has it, if we don’t know what we’re after it’s hard to know why a person doesn’t fit it. It’s like trying to fit a square peg into a hole that’s changing shapes every five second. You might happen to hit it right, but you’ll probably just get annoyed as shit and break the square peg. Then it will likely stop buying you dinner and tell it’s friends you’re very strange.

Moral of the story. Go with my gut. Just focus on trying to make the person like you more slash still. It’s a lot easier and has just a good a chance of getting you where you maybe want to go.