Thanks for reading! I can’t for the life of me figure out how you found this blog. The web really must be both world and wide…

I know you’re there thanks to a nifty “site meter” that pin points the locations of readers on a map. Scary, right?!
But really finding this thing was only half the battle. It’s written in a version of English that can only be learned in American college dorms and very loud bars. So I should point out for the sake of your continued English studies, that totes, obvi, and ______ are not actual words…
Happy as I am to have readers from around this great globe, I am concerned about the way the stories depicted on this site have influenced your impression of America – specifically the America experienced by an average 20-or-so year old.

We’ve actually got it completely under control. All these stories are just massive exaggerations to take our minds off the fact that life is just one big success after another over here. If, since reading about the challenges, frustrations and total lack of social order contained in these posts you’re thinking, “what the fuck is going on over there?!” — worry not.

We’re just making lots of sarcastic jokes because that’s what we Americans do. It’s really all streets-paved-in-gold and total gentlemen and strong women and giant savings accounts over here. We’re so happy and settled that we have to pretend to be dysfunctional and helpless for sport.

Of course, part of me wonders if you too have an agenda. If you all actually know each other and are using the contents of this blog to develop unique ways to penetrate the American government. If you’re researching our so-called dating psyche as a way to determine how best to dominate us in the real-life game of risk. You too recognize that business and politics are just dating with different rules and are secretly planning a massive coup over American via misleading text-messages and Facebook wall posts.

Part of me thinks it might be your collective, ultimate plan to develop a diplomacy based on unrequited love — a multi-national cock tease.

You’ll tell us you love us and our policies and our new President, hang out with us at International Summits and peace treaty meetings, send us foreign gifts (that actually come from your secretaries), invite us on whirlwind trips (that you technically get for free), swoon us into signing some fairly significant piece of legislature, and then slowly stop returning our official correspondences on account of some “big national civil war issue” or “massive natural disaster”. “What’s the problem? you’ll say, when we have our Chief of Staff call you on our behalf, “we were never officially allies…”

If so, well played my friends — well played.

If not – then please disregard the above conspiracy theory and revert back to the beginning:

Hi you guys! Thanks for reading! Are things as bad over there as they are — err – we’re pretending they are over here?!

Ciao,

-J