More on the reign of the hook up.

Like the date – in order to understand why everyone is hooking up these days we should probably take a look at why one person does. What motivates a person to hook up?

Some friends and I discussed electronically. With their feedback – and consideration of all the rationale and over-analysis and alcohol – I think it all boils down to four things.

People hook up because:

1. It is sexually pleasurable. We are biologically pre-disposed to engage in sexual acts, so it’s no surprise that people choose to hook up for this reason and sometimes this reason alone. Inhibition (in whatever form: low self-confidence, no access, religious morals) can cut instinct, but alcohol crushes inhibition every time.
2. It makes them feel good/better/best about themselves. The feeling of empowerment/self-worth derived from confirmation that someone is attracted to you to the point of hooking up cannot be denied. Point blank period.
   
3. They believe it will help something go somewhere with someone. This seems vague because it is vague. It’s like – yes, there is some sexual desire. And yes, I’ll feel great about myself as a result of this. But ultimately if you told me I’d get no sexual pleasure and, frankly, I already feel pretty great about myself, I’d still hook up with this person because I think it will help me keep their favor and maybe eventually date them. Yes I could give ______ my number and hope ______ calls, but I really want this one. _____ needs to know I’m not fucking around. Well. Right. Still. More on this later.
   
4. They are trying to hurt someone else. Revenge hook ups. Mind fuck hook ups. Hook ups to prove a point. Hook ups to confirm someone is/is not gay. Wild cards, but they do exist and therefore must be counted.

That’s it – four buckets. We ran through a million scenarios trying to come up with a fifth, but couldn’t. Scenarios like:

What about people who hook up after they break up?
It’s either a 1., 3. or 4. Depending on how good the sex was, if they want to get back together, and how pissed they were when they broke up.

But where do serial hook ups with one person you’re not in a relationship with go? My guess – 1. For the guy, 3. For the girl.

And my favorite :

• listen, I’m just having a little fun. What category does that fall under?
• 1.
• But I like her…
• 1.
• And maybe I want to date her…
• Uh-huh 1.
• I don’t think it’s as simple as that…
• oops – sorry – quick meeting! brb!

What came up again and again is that it’s just not as simple as one number.
Maybe not. But what if we thought of each hook up through the lens of these four buckets. And so with each hook up we considered if we’d still do it even though we were 100% certain we wouldn’t get certain results:

1. So if you knew it wouldn’t feel good and wouldn’t result in a relationship and you weren’t out to hurt anyone – would you still hook up just because it makes you feel good about yourself? That’s the 2.
2. Or if you knew you’d feel like shit about yourself because you were hurting someone who you want no relationship with, would you still do it for the pleasure? And the 1.
3. And say you knew it wasn’t pleasurable, that in the past it hasn’t made you feel good about yourself and that you weren’t out to hurt anyone, would you still do it because you think it might get you to a relationship? Aaannddd 3.

No it’s not cut and dry. Yes the bottom line here is hard to find. I’m not in any way saying you should go look at yourself in the bar bathroom mirror and evaluate your evening conquest by my made-up four numbers.

But when I look back and think about the characters from my past – they do start to fall annoyingly into one of these four places…

So, I know why I hook up. Question is – what’s that worth?