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The Laundro-Matt Afterward – for those inquiring minds

January 16, 2009

This is how we’ll learn what’s wrong with our game

January 16, 2009

This is why I shouldn’t write for newlywed magazines…

January 16, 2009

*I was assigned the below essay by The Nest – a magazine for newlyweds from the creators of the weddings website, The Knot.

Original assignment: write a letter to the new wife of my male best friend expressing my feelings about their marriage and waiving the white flag so we can move on as friends.

The editor’s reaction to this first draft: “reads a bit harsh…like you are a bitch…could you make a few adjustments so it sounds like you remotely want to be this women’s friend??”

I made the requested adjustments, but I still like this draft better

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Dear Krissy,

I just can’t tell you what an amazing time I had at Stevo – sorry – Stephen’s and your wedding! My god he would not stop going on about how nervous he was! Cold feet I’m sure, but it all went off without a hitch. Congrats again.

Now that the big day madness has calmed down I wanted to reach out to you with something a bit more personal than a registry gift (btw, nice move with the Egyptian cotton! Steve was so wrong about your taste!).

As you know, Steve and I have been best friends since the very first day of college, so this is a big transition for us both. I know things haven’t always been the most comfortable between you and me (really, Aunt Dot has thought Steve and I were married for years – it’s the dimentia. No one saw her confront you at the wedding), but I really feel we’ve overcome those early, awkward times.

So now that you’re practically my sister-in-law, I wanted to finally express what I’ve been meaning to say since you and Steve got engaged…

You’re welcome. It wasn’t easy preparing him to be the man you chose to marry, but I knew a sensible girl like you would come along and expect him to shower every day – twice if he goes to the gym or plays sports. Yes many people helped make Steve the success he is today, but let’s be honest – it was 80% me.

Over the past the past 12 years I’ve come to know Steve inside and out (again, not literally – God the Delta Sig boys will not let that rumor die!), so I thought it might be helpful for me to share some of the lesser-known Steve facts – pearls of wisdom that I hope will help you on your journey toward not getting divorced:

  • Too much tequila makes him an angry drunk – Nothing to be too concerned about, but he has some strong-though-generally-secret feelings about the death penalty that only come out after the Cuervo.
  • He has a tendency of just throwing things out versus cleaning them so the garbage may be a smart place to look if you’re missing any decorative items, clothes, or silverware.
  • When he thinks an argument is pointless and just wants to stop dealing with you he’ll generally say, “C’mon baby, you know our love is bigger than this little fight.” To him, your accepting this line means he’s won.
  • He lies about having read certain books and seen most movies – I don’t know why, he just always has. I think it’s just a mini pathological lying thing, but from what I can tell it’s isolated to those two things, so no worries.
Krissy – you seem like an incredibly patient and very loving person. I’m sure the thought of a female Dupree is the last thing you want in your brand new marriage, but don’t you worry – I have no intentions of playing third wheel. God love him, but now that you’re taking Stevo off my hands I’m finally free to date guys without him staring them down, then pretending to be my boyfriend.

All my love to you both. Maybe as the years go on we’ll forge a friendship all our own. After all, you know what they always say – keep your friends close and your husband’s female best friend closer.

XO,

Jessie

6 comments

  6. Dear Jessie,

    My husband and I read your article in the Nest. We both thought it was hilarious, but discussion of the piece sparked an argument, which I hope you can resolve.

    Do you really have a male BFF who recently got married to someone who referred to you as his “ex-wife” at the wedding? In other words, is there any truth behind your drollery, or did you make it all up after you got the prompt from the editor?

    Your newest fan either way, Gwen

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