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The Facebook can be a real cock tease

January 12, 2009

Being booby in the name of “journalism”

January 12, 2009

We’re running out of maybe people

January 12, 2009

I think slowly but surely we all realize we’re not going to end up with any of our maybe-people.

Heavy for a Monday morning, but here’s how I see it.

As modern adults we exist in large, co-ed friends groups. Within those friend groups are people you have slash would hook up with and those you haven’t and would never. Of that set is the subset of people you’ve considered dating (your maybe-people) and those you haven’t.

This is not the same as the secret list of people (person…) you truly believe you belong with (for me, Mark Ruffalo). This is a less definite list — people you keep tabs on and wonder about, but in a less manic way. These are not people you text when you’re drunk or call at 12:01 am on their birthday.

At some point something generally happens to confirm a given person’s place within this social pecking order. They either fall out of maybe and into legit contention: finally break up with their long-term girlfriend, randomly move to your city, prove convincingly enough that they aren’t gay. Or they fall out: never get over that drinking issue, gain 65 lbs., start dating your best friend…who is a guy…
Whatever the issue, they go from maybe-someday-always-wondered to not (or vice versa).

I claim a lot of shit is universal that likely isn’t, but this I’m standing by. At some point we’ve all said, “well, if all else fails _________ could probably be a good option.” Or even, “maybe _________ would actually be really good for me.” Or when we play Fuck, Chuck, or Mary for 12 hours on the drive to Notre Dame and ________’s name comes up we say “marry” and think, “hhmm…maybe…”

But there comes a point, somewhere around now to two-to-three-years-from-now, where if he/she hasn’t tipped over the edge, he/she isn’t going to. If this person hasn’t shifted from the back-pocket list to the check-Facebook-profile-every-day group, they won’t.

And so we slowly start crossing people off this strange mental list that we were never really sure about anyway.

What’s funny slash sick is that even though we never really considered these people – never really had a true crush or fantasy about them – it’s still disappointing when they shift from maybe to no.

The funny part is the ridiculousness of someone falling into deal breaker territory before there was even a deal. “I always thought there was a chance I could be happy with ________ but then he went and become an actor and now he’s off the list. A: actor. Deal breaker.”

The sick part – this all means that we keep mental back pocket plays because the idea of saying, “I currently have zero options for someone to end up with” is way too scary to handle.

That’s what this is about.

This list of people is like that job waiting for you at your Dad’s friend’s company should all else fail. It’s an option that you haven’t already tried and failed, so even if it isn’t really a good option, it has yet to become a no.

I recently had someone fall off my maybe list on account of a political reference made via a Facebook status update. I have not seen this person since the beginning of high school, but I always had it in the back of my head that we would make a nice couple. His lack of confidence in our new president now makes that impossible. He’s tipped over the edge and out of contention.

And with that I am now one lost option closer to engaging in my emergency back up plan — which is a whole other heavy Monday morning story…

4 comments

  1. I just happened to wander onto your blog through a google search of ‘do people go to bars alone’ and after reading a few of your posts…you really know how to put into words pretty much everything i’ve been thinking! I think the feeling of losing a ‘safety choice’ keeps me from letting go of old boyfriends i’ve stayed friends with over the years so i do have those options if all else fails…

  2. I try to keep woman from previous relationships in my saftey net. My problem is that I dont even have an idea when I will be ready to settle down and those woman dont have the time to wait around for me. In the end Im starting over with a new person, its like a never ending cycle. rezowoods.typepad.com

  4. Hilarious! What’s sick is when I won’t date a good friend, not because the future failed relationship could cost me the friendship but because it is too risky to lose both a ‘potential’ and a friend at the same time!

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