You knew this was coming.
In light of the
Sex & the City-episode-turned-book-made-movie coming out this past weekend I thought an assessments was in order.
As background, I saw the episode, read the book, and intend to see the movie. Like most people, when I first heard the concept – that any wishy-washy, flakey, confusing interest on the part of a guy means he’s…all together now…just. not. that. into. you – I became a disciple. It made sense, and it made knowing when to abort mission easier.
The gist of it is this: If a guy likes you it will feel like being liked: attention, affection, compliments, interest in being around you, attempts at impressing you. If a guy doesn’t it will feel like not being liked: ignoring, confusing, sometimes rude, mixed messages, no attempt to impress you.
When a guy likes you he will make all necessary moves to get you and keep you so that no other guy can have you. Ergo – there’s no such thing as mixed messages. The message is either I want you and want to be sure you know that, or I don’t.
Inevitably the “what ifs” roll in:
- What if he just doesn’t know how to show someone that he likes them: well then he is an idiot and you don’t want to be with him.
- What if he is afraid to show me that he likes me: well then he is a coward and you don’t want to be with him.
- What if he really did get busy and forget to call me?: if he needs to be reminded to remember you that’s not a good sign
- What if he is 80% into it, but not 100% there, but all I have to do is prove I’m worth the other 20%: You see this a lot — people acting like they need to incentivize people to like them all the way. Frankly I’m gunning for someone to like me 100% without me having to convince them I’m worth it.
But we do this – all of us — male and female to be fair. We hear that logic of the book/movie message and immediately start in on all the scenarios that could prove it wrong.
Why? Why don’t we get it? Why don’t we want to read the writing on the wall? Why do we work so hard to be with people who aren’t working at all for us? I believe I’ve narrowed it down to three main reasons:
We don’t like to think that someone doesn’t like us.
Simple and juvenile, but 100% true. We’d rather blame the blow off on a million excuses and justifications than settle on the pure fact that not everyone likes us and not everyone wants to be with us. That hurts and so we play many mind games with ourselves to ease the pain.
We think guys think like girls
Sometimes (fine, often) we play games with guys who we like a lot for a lot of reasons that I’ll have to get into another time. We therefore assume guys do this too. From what I’m told guys play games but not with girls they really, really want to keep. The one’s that do are terrible and should be avoided at all cost…as should we when we pull that same shit.
We’d rather have something, even a bad, confusing thing, than nothing.
Having no prospects, no one in the wings, nothing even potentially going on is a debbie downes. It’s lonely and sometimes boring, and against our human nature. So we take the low wages are better than no wages approach and tolerate shitty treatment because at least it’s something.
We don’t have enough confidence and self respect.
Heavy for a Monday, but tough love is true love.
We don’t think we deserve better. We don’t think we can ask for total respect. We’re out to find something “good enough” because we’ll be lucky if we can even find that. And so we let people treat us like we’re 80% because sometimes we only feel 80%.
I’m sure the movie will be hysterical in that “oh-god-that-is-so-painfully-true” way. The obsessing over phone calls — the decoding messages — the running through every detail of a first date with all your encouraging friends.
But what I really wonder is if it’ll have any effect. If audiences will leave the theater with a “fuck that bullshit” attitude toward anything less than clear-cut treatment. If people will realize that if it isn’t obvious that it isn’t anything.
Dating, like almost everything, follows simple principals of economics. Supply and demand. It’ll stay whatever ridiculous price the seller can get away with until people refuse to pay it. In the HJNTIY scenario though, we’re paying — and usually a lot — for something that we’re not even being sold.
Maybe, for a brief time, people will just stop buying it.
You knew this was coming.
We agree on many, or most, things. And yesterday, I watched and enjoyed– minus the young woman in front of me who wouldn’t stop clapping at every plot twist and sappy moment in the movie– He’s Just Not That Into You.
Two positive lessons (leaving any criticisms for the next time) that I took from it as a cynical guy: one, care, care a lot, but when you get hurt, get over it and start caring again. Two, Care about yourself first and most, but not selfishly.
It’s not movie of the year or anything, and I could have waited for a pirated DVD or choppy download, but there’s enough in there to be talked about. However, where we will disagree is that I hope people learn nothing from this movie. Or at least not enough to take their old set of rules and replace them with new ones that will make them just as anxious, neurotic, and doubting as they were before. Bc sometimes, when I don’t call, it’s because I put your new cell phone number into my phone incorrectly.
I saw the movie yesterday. I was actually shocked and confused. The message of the book is clear – if he doesn’t act like he likes you, he really doesn’t like you.
(*Stop reading here if you want the movie to be a total suprise*) The movie, however, concludes (in true predictable cinema fashion) that after all these characters have looked at and anguished over the rules that you need to put in place, they all end up being the “exception to the rule.” I’d say that’s one huge ironic mixed signal, no?
I hate when people refuse to believe that incentivize is a word.
Dating, like almost everything, follows simple principals of economics. Supply and demand. It’ll stay whatever ridiculous price the seller can get away with until people refuse to pay it.
As a 25 yr old guy who really is one of the good guys, I have fallen into the spiral of awfulness that is becoming one of the bad guys simply because I wasn’t called out on anything in a recent non-relationship. I didn’t call the next day, replied slowly to a text a week later, hooked up with her again, repeat, and then stopped contacting her altogether. Nothing happened. No rebuke other than a ‘I thought I’d never see you again…’ that was meant to sound reproachful, but I ignored it and that line of non-interrogation went away. Okay that’s a brief synopsis, but the basic story is this – girls/guys, if you don’t stand up for yourself with someone, nobody else will for you. There is no accountability when you’re in a city of millions and millions of people. In college you couldn’t get away with this stuff, at least not at mine with a population of <10,000.
Really… I wasn’t that into her. But at a certain point for a 20-nothing, to see someone again for recreational purposes becomes more of a why not than a why. And when you’re not required to give anything when you have that kind of mindset, you don’t. And this is from one of the good guys!
Mr. Second Anonymous, you call yourself a good guy? Is that good defined as having no morals or scruples because the lady didn’t keep you in check? I’m sorry but I do not think that it’s solely in the place of the other person to point out your mistakes. As a 25 year-old, you are old enough to be responsible for your own actions. On a larger scale, this type of behavior is why we are in the current economic shitstorm because people behaved in whatever manner they chose because no one told them otherwise. Well, now we’re paying for those mistakes by losing our jobs and homes. You, sir, could pay for your recklessness by being alone or worse, by ending up with someone who doesn’t care about you because you never took the time or the effort to show her genuine affection.
To the second anonymous poster: I think you have grossly mislabeled yourself as a “good guy gone bad.” Perhaps the people you surround yourself with aren’t demanding that you be accountable for your actions, but what about personal responsibility? Just because the girl you are mistreating doesn’t care enough to call you out, that doesn’t free you from responsibility for your actions (especially those that you recognize as less than honorable). Why is it the other person’s responsibility to make you accountable? Do you mistreat everyone until they stand up for themselves? “Just because you can get away with it” is a despicable and unacceptable excuse. Have some respect. Or if that’s too difficult, just do us all a favor and label yourself as what you really are: a douche bag.
As the second anonymous guy, I can say that I don’t put it entirely on someone else, and I realized that I acted as a bad guy. Don’t get me wrong – I definitely was a douche bag here. I’m not saying that all excused what I did, and if someone treated a friend of mine this way I’d go after him with a blunt object. I also don’t intend to repeat this kind of behavior – I’m just saying that it can happen really easily if you’re not that into someone. Have any of you ever been surprised by your own actions, particularly in a social interaction isolated from the rest of your world?
Plenty of non-relationships dissolve because of lack of interest that leads to lack of communication (on both sides). It wasn’t the situation so much as your attitude about the situation and the way you talked about it that I took issue with. Everyone makes mistakes and (hopefully) learns from them. But, from your post above, it seemed that you recognized the unaccountability of your actions and because no one slapped you on the wrist you were willing to do it again and again until someone does. And that, is not okay.
Yes, Mr. Second Anonymous, I know you are only human. Yes, we all have moments where we acted poorly. And dare I say the obvious: that dating is a treacherous course to navigate because serious feelings are involved and can often be hurt if one or even both of the parties are not interested. That being said, we (I include myself in this collective) should try harder to maintain our integrity in these dating situations and not fall victim to the culpable norms of our generation (the week-late text, the occasional booty call with no phone call the next day). I am personally dissatisfied with the casual nature of our dating scene. I’ve always found fault with it. It fosters this indolence and indifference with which you, Mr. Second Anonymous, identify. I think, somehow, if we try to focus more on the quality of our interactions (even if it’s to just be friends), we will find ourselves with more meaningful connections and possibly more than friendship, a relation that will be arrived at in a more fulfilling and agreeable way to our personal desires.
Dear Mr. Second Anonymous, Dorothy Parker, and Emily –
Thank you all for insighting my first comment battle.
I would take a side on this but then you might stop reading, so I’ll just say I think you all have excellent points that I plan to address in future posts…HA.
I was going to be a jerk and correct your use of the word “insighting” but then I thought hmm that is a funny double meaning, because they have been adding some insight to the topic while at the same time inciting a heated discussion.
I’d never said that I was “willing to do it again and again until someone does” – rather, I haven’t done so since this occurred 4 months ago. I’m not saying I deserve a medal for doing what I should be doing anyway, but I have kept in mind the lessons of the event in question.
I’ve also been treated a similar way by a girl even more recently – guys aren’t the only ones who try and pull this kinda stuff. In an era where accountability (personal, governmental, financial, etc.) is at an all time low and anonymity is taken advantage of more than ever (youtube comments, myspace profiles, blog comments), it’s indeed disturbing that the social contract is this flimsy.
re Pierso and Jessie – I think Jessie meant “inciting” her first comment battle