I’ve been toying with the idea of filming new versions of those sex and relationship-based conversation, splicing them up into short segments on specific hot-button topics and posting them on a dedicated blog site slash YouTube for a few months now, but more on that next week – much more 😉
But for now – this first session mainly focused on expectations, behavior, and feelings surrounding the act of hooking up.
The group – 3 girls and 2 guys (one gay and one straight) – opened up about their own experiences and tendencies – why they hook up, when they hook up, if they good or bad about it, if they want something specific from it…the makings of reality (online) tv gold, if I might say so myself.
But among the entire 2+ hour long conversation, one moment stands out to me as the most fascinating.
We had arrived at the dominance of hook up culture – the fact that it is the most common way we associate sexually. People don’t meet, date for several months and then eventually discuss being intimate together. They meet and either hook-up before they start dating, while they’re deciding if they’ll end up dating, or as they’re going through the traditional dating motions.
As we got deeper into the issue I posed a question to the group. “Do you know anyone who doesn’t hook up?”
First response, the straight guy: “What do you mean?”
“I mean, do you have a friend or acquaintance who abstains from hooking up. Like, they don’t go home with people or engage in sexual acts outside of relationships.”
One of the girls, “How are you defining hook up?”
“No, I’m saying it doesn’t matter what kind of hooking up – they don’t do any of it.”
The gay guy, “I don’t understand.”
“I’m asking if you know one person who chooses not to hook up with anyone they’re not interested in developing a relationship with. It doesn’t mean they wait a year…or even two months. It just means that if there isn’t a get-to-know-you process – dinner, movies, couple emails, couple phone calls – they will not engage in any sexual acts of any kind.”
Everyone stared back at my blankly. “So that’s a no,” I said.
In succession: “Yeah, no” – “I don’t think so” – “Definitely not” – “Why would they do that?” – “I’m still a little confused…”
Jackpot. I pressed on.
“Okay, so now that we’ve established that,” I said, “what would you think of someone who abstained from hooking up?”
Silence…..someone spilled a little wine on the couch (I encouraged drinking to encourage the telling of secrets)….more silence.
“I’d think they were weak I guess,” said one of the guys.
“So none of you would call them strong?” I asked.
A few eye brows raised, but the general consensus was no.
You’ll have to wait for the first set of Sunday Night Sex Talks to get the full dialogue, but this topic in general couldn’t wait.
Are people who abstain from hooking up weak or are they strong? Are they self-conscious or self-confident? Do they hate themselves or love themselves?
I know girls who’ve gone on a hook-up hiatus. They get burned once or twice and decide to take a break and collect themselves before they go back into the ring. Why did they “quit”? Presumably because they were pissed off at guys and feeling less trusting – like the whole hook up situation wasn’t worth it. Where they feeling like not hooking up could actually be more productive? I don’t know.
So then what’s the motivation of people who never hook up as a rule? I think we can safely say that everyone is looking to end up with some form of someone. So then people who choose not to hook up are essentially saying they think not hooking up is a better way to get that someone — or at least not a worse way?
Think about it. Have you ever said, “forget this shit,” and if so, why? Do you think people who hook up a lot are strong and liberal and sexually confident? Do you think people who always say “no” are scared and weak and self-conscious?
I think there’s a case to be made for both arguments. I think that for as many Samantha Jones as are legitimately out there, there are just as many women (and men…) pretending that’s their character.
So do you know anyone who doesn’t hook up? Or, better yet, do you know anyone who knows why they do?
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For a long time I did not hook up. Because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it, that there was actually a choice.
My experiment lasted no more than 6-8 months. And was totally dissatisfying.
I don’t hook up. I won’t hook up. And anyone I’d considering really *being* with would feel (and act!) the same way.
To live this way is totally counter-cultural, and painfully difficult at times. But I’m not looking for a quick fix. I’m looking for a relationship. And I have a LOT of friends who live the same way, who share the same values. (And no, none of us are asexual or planning on joining a nunnery anytime soon!)
Thanks for writing on this Jessie! I look forward to your future posts!
i don’t abstain from hooking up, but it’s certainly a less-ideal experience, and i don’t go out of my way to look for it. i’ve hooked up before, i’m not some holier-than-thou jerkoff. hooking up is definitely fun, exciting, and has some value — but not much. it’s silly, stupid fun.
i’m not above being silly and dumb – and horny – sometimes. as a veteran of a real relationship, though, i think sex with someone you know and care about is far more gratifying, and is usually far kinkier. that kind of emotional honesty takes courage. so does hooking up, but it also involves a degree of cowardice as well.
maybe some of the frequent-hook-uppers have fever-pitch libidos that need to be satisfied. that’s fine for them. from what i’ve seen in life, most people who hook up are motivated more by insecurity and social pressure to be like everyone else.
Back in the college days, I hooked up. But as I’ve entered the real world and “matured,” I have not hooked up with anyone who I have not gone on at least a few (3) dates with. I don’t know if that totally falls out of the hooking up category, but there it is.
The majority of my friends follow a similar pattern of behavior, although a couple have been known to hook-up during an extended dry-spell and then immediately swear it off again b/c it just leaves them feeling crappy.
I don’t really ever end up hooking up outside of relationships unless I’m traveling. Making out is fun and harmless, but I sort of feel like enjoyable sex (for me as a woman) takes the right type of person, and I don’t feel like going through a lot of crappy sex to find a good hook up (too much effort for something that is supposed to be effortless!). In a relationship though you can work and communicate more about things that you both like (like the kink factor noted by anon 3).
I think men and women hook up for VERY different reasons (my girlfriends usually seem to want to jump from sex–> relationship with the guy (even if it DOES start as just a mutual hook up for both parties), and the guys usually don’t seem to make that same transition.
I think I also tend to over think hookups (in either starting to like a guy I really wouldn’t otherwise like… or feeling guilty for not really liking him) and end up being more unhappy than the amount of happy that hooking up made me.
I don’t think I’m weak (but then again who does!), in fact I think sometimes it takes a lot of self control to put off instant gratification on the idea that things might get complicated later on. No one is perfect, but I’m definitely very self-confident and happy with my body… so ya just standing up for us prudes. ;-p
so first and foremost, this might seem a bit like sacrilege since i’m a young gay man in new york…
i used to hook up a lot more when i was in college and traveling a lot, but now that im older and wiser(?) – i’m turning 26 next month, oh my god – i’ve slowed down and don’t rush into hooking up with someone just because i can. its not a matter of inexperience (trust me), and (not to sound cocky) its not because i have an inability to find someone to hook up with. really, i feel like in most of my experiences over the years, i’ve learned that i have a much better time sexually and i’m much more turned on if i we have some mental chemistry as well as physical chemistry. i feel less inhibited and more willing to let loose if i’ve had a good date with someone, in addition to a glass or two of vino. not to mention there’s a lot less awkwardness after hooking up if you actually remember the persons name and youre not counting the seconds until they put their pants on and leave.
to clarify – i’m not a born again virgin saving myself for my future life partner. sometimes a boy just wants a to make out at a bar or get some action on a saturday night. and, i totally believe that sometimes you need an animal-esque libido-fueled sexfest. but lets face it, its rare to find that phyisical / passionate / rip-the-clothes-off-of-me-now partner at a bar on a friday night at 1AM, and the people who think they will find him at a bar on a friday night at 1AM are just fooling themselves. and besides, most people aren’t just hooking up for their libido’s sake, there are personal reasons and mental reasons that drive them to do it. feeling wanted? feeling attractive? i don’t know – im not a shrink.
i guess, to each their own, right? i dont get on my friends cases if they sleep with people indiscriminately, but i also dont expect people to get on my case for being a little picky when it comes to who i want to have fun with in the sack..
I know a bunch of people who hold off hooking up. Many until Marriage. I find them incrediably strong, especially if they are in a serious relationship and hold off. It’s not that they don’t want to, or that they ahve a lack of self esteem it’s that they believe holding off will make it better more intense between the two once they do. My little sister hasn’t “hooked-up” with her fiance the past 2 years they have been together and doesn’t plan to till he wedding in August. She has been encouraged by many friends and myself to throw that whole idea out the window and take him for a test ride. She wants to and likes that idea greatly but she believes that saving it til marriage will make it that much better. I hope she is proven right otherwise there were a lot of not getting any for no reason.
I think there’s two ways to view hooking up:
– Intrinsically satisfying
– Still fun, but really a means to an end
For me, anyway, hooking up was definitely the former throughout college. There were endless options for hook-up partners and no need to be too serious. Now, I think the end game for most people is to find a partner with whom they can enjoy (among other things) awesome sex. Hooking up is just part of the process.
Where you introduce it into the process is your prerogative. For me, I echo an earlier commenter’s 3-dates guideline.
I don’t know ANYONE who doesn’t do any form of hooking up (depending on your definition), but I do know a couple of people who are virgins on purpose. It’s completely foreign and unfathomable to me, but hey, more power to them…I guess.
P.S. Confession: I hate anonymous blog comments.
I have this problem. Girls want to hook up with me but I just can’t seem to do it. A part of me says to wait for a special someone and another part of me tells myself that I should hook up with the chick. I have turned down some very attractive girls because of this confusion and I was wondering if anyone could tell me whats the best choice?
way late on commenting here, but i just wanted to say, i personally don’t hook up. even i find someone outragously hot and is also interested in me, if i don’t think it could be more then a hook up, im not interested. that’s not me being weak, that’s me wanting more out of sex, and life. i haven’t even had a drunken hook up, not even drunk me to do anything with someone that couldn’t possibly be more. but thats just me, and probably a few others out there.