I ordered the little guys awhile back to help legitimize my freelance writing career.  They have my personal, not 9-5 info and a photo that I believe to be subtly artsy and yet possessing of a whit factor relative to the business card itself.  

It’s this picture – a shot of the old-fashioned cash register in the window at the Albanese Meat and Poultry Market on Elizabeth in NoLiTa.  The words in the mini windows read “Thank You, Call Again.”  I contemplated photoshopping it to read “Thank You, Call Ever” – but that seemed off-focus…

The intention was to have these cards on hand when I ran into magazine editors, literary agents, and anyone from the film world looking for someone with no real experience in the film world.  We’d chat, they’d be convinced that they “shouldn’t let that one get away,” and then I’d swoop in with the custom, mini “oh you took that photo??” business cards on very sleek paper from a British-based company.  

“Oooh, what are these cute little things?”

“Ugh I know aren’t they precious.  Little company out of the U.K….”

The cards are part of my larger effort to clear up any confusion as to whether or not I’m messing around here.  

I’m not. 

It’s been about a year since I’ve been carrying around 3-5 moo mini’s in my magic wallet at all times.  

The magazine editors, literary agents, and people from the film world currently carrying one of these around sos not to let me go number 1 — and that’s if you consider a a marketing guy at Netflix “the film world.” 

But (you saw this coming) the number of guys with one of these puppies stuck somewhere under a pile of papers in their bedroom garbage (apparently…), different story.

I have become a compulsive doler outer of my personal business card.   

Most people drunk-text.  Some people drunk-order-books off Amazon on their Blackberry Storms.  All people who live within a 5 mile radius drunk-eat Mamoun’s Falafell at 3:00 in the morning.  I drunk-devise clever ways to give men my moo mini personal business cards — clever to me…drunk me.

Recent methods have included wrapping one up in a 5 spot I left for the bartender I’d been chatting with while I waited for a friend and leaving one on the bottle service table of a bunch of guys celebrating someone’s bachelor party. I’ve moved on from dropping them inside guys’ back pockets as if I am some character out of Ocean’s 11-14, but that did boast a high success rate…of one…who didn’t end up going anywhere, but we’re measuring on acquisition not retention here.  

In my drunk head the guy in prospect is impressed by my woman-of-the-21st-century move and then sold by the artsy-meets-professional nature of my obviously high class foreign product. 

“Hhmm, I wonder if this girl is messing around…?” they may be thinking.  Enter business card. Answer, no. 

I get high on the triumph factor.  Sneakily or blatantly handing a guy your card carries a considerable Bang-a-rang factor comparable only to cutting the entire line at a club or totally cleaning up in the pirate jokes game. 

• Someone: “What’s a pirate’s favorite cheese?”
• Rookie: “Jaarrrrrlsberg!!!”
• Everyone: “Yeah man!…Hive five dude!….You crushed that!” 
• Me: “Actually, I think it’s Havaaarrrrrrti.”
• Everyone: “Oh…Yep…You’re right…It is…shit, you’re not messing around here are you?” 

At this point my compulsion has become a joke.

• Me: (delivering expert sexy eyes to guy across dance floor)
• Friend: “You gonna go over there and drop one of the your “freelance” cards in that guys Scotch?”
• Me: (“as if” noise) “Noooo – does he look like the editor of the Thursday styles section to you?“
• Me inside my head: Inside the Scotch glass…hhmm…

But, (cue music from finale scene of “a very special episode of Life Goes One…”) prior to carrying these cards I left my contact info with 85-90% fewer men (rounds out to about 2, ever).  And I spent more of my time at bars pirate texting problem people (one-eyed, right Doug?)  and trying to get the DJ to play Proud Mary (Ike and Tina version).  So is it embarrassing, yes.  Is it futile, maybe.  But is it getting me in less trouble than performing my classic Proud Mary dance and sing along routine? (I stand before the crowd and engage in a karaoke style routine including the precise dance moves made famous by the incomparable Tina Turner performed as if I’m teaching a line dance that I’m demanding everyone participate in.  “BIG WHEELS KEEP ON TURNIN’ – and back to the left! – PROUD MARY KEEPS ON BURNIN’ – touch step, touch step – AND WE’RE ROLLIN’ – we’re rollin’… – ROLLIN’ – I don’t see you rollin’ – ROLLIN’ ON THE RIVER – once more from the top!”)

Yes.  Yes my moo mini routine is definitely better than that.