As promised – the original reaction to Friday’s post question from my friend Bill, a successful, 25-year-old, Chicago-based guy who is nothing like David Zinzenc-whatever.
There are certainly some very legitimate scenarios in which a guy might say this – stress at work, a recent relationship/break up, or really any other event or situation that might make it tough to put forth 100% effort. He may want to be with you, but the current state of his life is simply not conducive to healthily maintaining a serious relationship. This could be the case…
Outside these cases, a guy may just be at a crossroads and not really know exactly what he wants. Guys definitely can go on a relationship-desire roller coaster, quickly moving from an “I want to have a girlfriend” stage to a mindset of “man, I really love being single”. This grapple with the grass being greener can be sparked by really minor events, and can be fueled tenfold if a guy has a ton of good single buddies. So, despite having feelings for the girl – legitimate feelings – the scales just tip enough toward the single side.
OK, so enough of the nice, “feel good” way to look at it.
Quite honestly chances are that if he tells you this on a Friday night he’ll be out Saturday night with his boys ripping shots of Rupplemintz and chasing down girls, happy that he can have that feeling of complete freedom again. Also, even though he’s probably blackout drunk and failing miserably at executing his newly resurfaced game, to him it doesn’t matter….he still prefers that life over being in a committed relationship.
In the end you can pretty much throw the concept out the window, though. It’s like a guy saying to his boss “listen, I like working here but I’m going to start searching for a new job”. If he really liked that boss that much, or saw that much potential in that boss or that workplace, why wouldn’t he want to be a lifer at that company?
If a guy really (truly) likes you, there should be nothing preventing him from being with you. Thoughts of being single will fade, stress at work will be relieved, and any other “just not right now” excuses won’t matter.
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I’ve always thought like a man when it came to relationships… too bad I ACT like a girl.
Our guy put it perfectly. Really, who leaves something that they really like. “Ah man, this sports game is the best yet, but I’m not ‘ready’ to watch it. I’ll try to catch the next one.” Uh-huh. Right. That happens a LOT.
I’m not even sold on the excuses that guys use. Perhaps, I’m too much of a cynic. I’ve known many a man in med school or out searching for careers who have a LOOOTTT of time to hang at the bar, club, best friend’s house. But, when their long-time friend-girl mentions becoming his girlfriend, his face wrinkles up like a prune. What?!?! Have a social life while I’m in med school? No way. Show that I can commit to someone while I search for a job? No how!
Riiiiight. Now, if only I can listen to my own words when guys tell me, “I’m not really looking for a girlfriend right now… but we can kick it.” lol.
in short, he’s just not that into you.
What if the goal is not long-term commitment or an exclusive relationship? What if a guy isn’t deciding between whether to date or whether to just hook up? What if instead the only choice for him is the hooking up, even if that resembles something like a relationship to someone else?
I don’t disagree with Bill, but I think there are a lot of guys, when they say “I want to be with you, really I do, just not now,” it’s the easier way of saying, “I never thought of this becoming a relationship because I was getting what I wanted out of it.” In other words, it was fun as it was, but now you want something different, I don’t want it any more. It doesn’t mean HE’S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. In fact, it’s not even that complicated most of the time or deserves that much attention or angst. The guy didn’t look past what was right in front of him, he didn’t look for a future, he liked you/was into you/would still be into you if you didn’t want something different.
The end is the same. When a guy thinks like that, don’t try to change him. Get out while you’re still amicable and don’t wait on him. Otherwise, you’ll always be on his timetable.
What if you both lived in two different states? The guy I like goes to school in one state while i go to school in another one. He said that maybe after law school, itd work between us depending on where we are.