Something new.
As we learned this week I am one woman (girl really) with one perspective. Moving forward I’ll be tapping several male friends for their 500-word perspective on a given controversial dating issue. One day I’ll post my perspective. The next day I’ll post their perspective. I promise they haven’t read mine, and I won’t have read their’s.
I feel this (could be) good because:
- You’ll come back again to read the male perspective, please
- We’ll figure out if I’m at all in touch w/ the male brain and therefore “qualified” to write this blog
- I’ll know what all my guy friends really think thus further weeding out any remaining maybe people
- Right. And we’ll all learn a thing or two. No guarantees. These are just my friends not that (so obviously gay) editor of Men’s Health magazine that’s always on The Today Show talking about “what all men really think” (but if you know him, I’ll gladly give him a chance the participate).
As always – these are only two perspectives. If you disagree with them kindly comment, and we’ll hash it out. And by kindly comment I mean comment without being an asshole, not comment, please 😉
For the most part we women live in a constant state of wanting to believe what you say because a. we like truth and b. we like you. So when, after several weeks/months of hooking up we finally decide to drunk-force the “what are we” talk on you, and you launch into some version of the “listen, I really like you – and I really like what we have – but right now, for a lot of reasons, I just can’t be in a relationship” speech, we really, really want to believe you. Wrap it up with that slam bang emotional carrot — “I want to be with you – now just isn’t the right time for us. But I think we could maybe someday have a real future – I just don’t want that right now” and we can be/I once was totally sold.
But I’ve come to (unfortunately) learn that life is neither a Dawson’s Creek episode nor a very emotional season of Felicity. You actually get in a lot of trouble if you try to surprise climb in the window of a male friend in the middle of the night and if you try to talk exclusively in breathy whispers, no matter how adorable curly your hair is, everyone will hate you. And so I’ve come to approach this issue much like a school zone would a drug dealer: zero tolerance policy.
Here is my very simple perspective.
So I’ve come to believe that if a guy thinks you might remotely be a/the “one” he will not risk some other guy getting you. If he is willing to take that chance then he’s a major chance-taker and that doesn’t bode well for a stable life including solid finances and him not cheating.
I do believe there are totally legit scenarios in which a guy doesn’t want to be in a relationship at the moment. All his buddies are single and that’s more fun. He’s not sure about major next-step life moves and doesn’t want to drag someone into it. Whatever. So sure, sometimes not even the love of a guy’s life could make him get it together to want to be in that relationship. Doesn’t matter. He said no. Walk away. Sorry.
However, for the most part, I think “I don’t want this/you now” means “I don’t want this/you” ever.
Monday morning – what a 25-year-old Chicago mobile marketing guy with some solid relationships and some chronic hook ups under his belt has to say.
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I think, “I want to be with you, really I do, just not now”, is just one of a number of phrases/techniques that a lot of guys use to avoid confrontational conversations about the status of a relationship and/or depth of feelings about the other person. I think many if not most men would rather endure a few more weeks of a going-nowhere relationship than have a big talk about the fact that the relationship is going nowhere.
Unfortunately, I don’t think hearing this phrase ever means that a guy really isn’t ready just yet for a relationship. If he isn’t ready after a few weeks of hooking up/dating, cut your losses.
i think that most relationships (on the male side of thing) have to do with TIMING. u find one thats ready to settle down and he’ll do it with the first girl that folds his laundry and cooks him dinner..
virginia, you got it spot on. Timing is everything. I’ve seen it a ton of times. Until the guy is ready to settle down, it doesn’t matter how great of a girl he finds or how compatible they are.
I disagree with Virginia and Anon 115. It’s not ALL about TIMING. Guys aren’t as afraid to settle down as we like to pretend they are. They realize it’s inevitable. If they meet a girl that they are able to share an intimate connection with on multiple levels, they will settle down. Women get to thinking that they are “the one” when we aren’t always “the right one” for that guy. We aren’t psychics. We don’t know what he feels like he needs. The most happy bachelor can be swept off his feet when a beautiful woman with great genes, a working brain, a love of sports, a desire to have superbowl parties, and a patience out of this world walks by. He’s not going to pass her up if that’s what he needs just because all of his homeboys are single and it’s not “time” yet.
I disagree with Virginia as well, mostly bc it’s fun. but i met my wife at probably one of the most inopportune times in both of our lives but we worked through it. To date we have been together 2.5 years and have never even lived in the same state, but we want to be together so timing didn’t matter…odd that word verification is bleth
I’m going through this same issue recently and keep telling myself if I hang in there and maybe act more attentive, things will change down the road. However, why do I want to be with someone who wants things only on his terms? WTF happened to me? Haha. I needed this post. Thanks….