I may not be married, or even close for that matter, but I have seen enough healthy (and unhealthy) relationships to be able to tell that this ditching your friends for the sake of your marriage routine is a problem. It doesn’t sound to me like there is ever going to be Shalom in the Home in which the couple’s world is no bigger than their own four walls.

If my Catholic school education on Hebrew (read: none) doesn’t fail me know, Shalom means peace. That and some other things irrelevant to my point, like hello and/or goodbye – think “aloha.” Not to get all philosophy major on you, but I believe peace in a relationship is more than just an absence of hostility and negativity. In this case, it is the presence of genuine understanding which comes from the knowledge that the other person is just that – another person, with his or her own life.

Ok. I get it, he’s a Rabbi and he’s worried about things like temptation, fidelity, etc. Not committing adultery or coveting you neighbor’s wife were Jewish doctrines long before Jessie spent a whole week writing about cheating. Despite this I think he should be more worried about the unhealthy jealousy, mistrust and overall lack of faith in one another’s love that would necessitate cancelling beer and trivia. (Two of God’s greatest creations) Don’t get me wrong, I do believe that compromises must be made for a relationship to succeed over time. But if avoiding being alone with a member of the opposite sex at all costs is the only way to stay faithful, then there are some core issues that should have been worked out long before anybody said “I do.” I’ve been down the road of jealousy before and all it really accomplished for me was this damn receding hairline. Realizing this I’ve learned that as long as I’m not given legitimate reasons to be concerned, I need to place trust in my significant others’ feelings for me. Whether or not she has friends who are boys.

I’m with the psychiatrist quoted in the article who said “Each couple needs to set their own boundaries about friendships outside of the marriage. Couples should be open and honest about friends of the opposite sex and about how their family influences and religious values play into the equation.” I agree with her and with Jessie that some appropriate boundaries need to be set. Beside the obvious no-touching policy, inappropriate emotional cheating is just as bad. Once these things are determined, whether by open conversation or – but be careful here – just unspoken understanding, I think it remains possible to have friends of the opposite sex. I’ll even go one step further than possible – I think it is important to have friends, of both sexes, outside of a committed relationship. As long as when you say “we’re just friends,” you really are just friends.

PS – J, you backpedal, like on a bike. You peddle trinkets, like a wandering gypsy child on the street. Those homophones will be your demise 🙂

And Brendan on the crazy/hot (with intangibles) factor of the “why guys go for crazy” question.

I for one am the guy who always talks about how crazy his gf is but never breaks up with her. It is not because I personally enjoy the crazy; it is simply because on the crazy hot scale it all balances out. I think it is only proper for us both to familiarize ourselves with the Crazy-Hot scale set out by my mentor Barney Stinson during Episode 5 of Season 3 “How I met your Mother.” (via this link)

So you see after examination it is not that guys enjoy the crazy, on the contrary — no guy appreciates 50 phone calls between 2 and 4 am, their name tattoe’d on her ass, getting a “he’s mine” tee, deceiving the gmail server into thinking she is me, or even copying my finger prints while I’m sleeping to slip past my offices biometric key to check my work email and female coworker contacts. It is simply that with each new relationship you’ll experience new crazy and new hot (plus intangibles) and there is no knowing where she’ll fall, so why leave your current one when she is on the right side of the curve.

Fine. So say you have a hot, hot girl who is slightly crazy in the traditional girl sense (as has been discussed) and her hot, hot identical twin who is low key, totally chill, low maintenance. Her sister’s girl-type opposite, if you will. Which do you choose? The crazy because — as Friday’s male poster suggests — guys need what those pieces of crazy represent (committment, love, security, attention, that they can in turn be man and she woman)? Or do you choose the completely un-crazy, go-wit-the-flow, lets you do whatever you want version because in the crazy/hot balance it’s really all about the hot. I completely completely get why guys stay with slightly crazy girls who are incredibly hot. But I’m curious as to what would happen if a guy was faced with two equally gorgeous girls who were polar opposites in the crazy category…

To which he said:

I hate to do this to you but I am going to stand by my theory on this one. In the below circumstance it really would just not matter. I would leave it up to the Crazy vs. Hot (+ Intangibles). For the most part it would depend on where she fell on the scale. You’d have to consider that no two girls are exactly alike. The crazy one may offer certain intangibles, such as better sex, better cooking, likes sports etc, it depends on what the guy is looking for. I’m trying to break it down so this is more a matter of science and take all the judgment in the process out.

Let us just say for a second that these two girls are actually completely the same in ever aspect possible, except one is laid back in relationships and one is slightly crazy. For me it is a toss up, would depend on who came up to me in the bar or who returned my calls – so I’m going to say the crazy one is going to come through because she’ll probably call me back and act interested more.