I was chatting with friends this past weekend when the relationship issues of a couple not present came up and under judgement. This tends to happen when groups of people I know get together and drink alcohol.
Someone was saying they wished ____________ and ___________, as two successful, attractive, youthful people had more obvious love and romance in their life (sex). That it’s a shame they don’t love each other like they should and deserve to be loved. Someone else said that not every relationship is so overtly filled with passion/romance/sex all the time. That they may actually love each other more than some people who have overtly passionate relationships. That, after a certain length of time, the sex/passion gets detached from the bond/commitment. You don’t need one to have the other. It ebbs and flows.
We went back and forth like this for awhile because we were drunk and one of us is in law school – but the bottom line became that the person arguing this couple’s relationship was unfortunate because of its lack of sex and passion was expecting too much out of committed, romantic (read: married) love. That his position was obviously young and inherently American.
Do American 25-year-olds (a mental age that can sit anywhere from 20 to 35…) expect too much from romantic love — and more specifically marriage?
Well – step one – what do “we” expect?
Ring a tune?
I think some of us – wisely or not – expect different than that. Not more (“and that we’ll never question our decision to be with that person ever”) or less (“that we may choose someone because of lifestyle plus love, not just straight head-over-heels-ness”) but the majority of hoping-to-be-marrieds are after the whole package. No one sets out to be a C-list celebrity.
But to say that’s “too much” is to suggest it’s not possible – or highly unlikely. Managing our expectations about committed bliss after the 5, 10, 20 years is the smarter bet. To go in expecting challenges and unhappiness and maybe years without sex because — well — Icarus got burned.
I was drunk, but I think the person arguing for the flight to the sun was saying that the less you expect the easier you slip. Take a pass/fail class and you’ll likely damn-near fail. Go in wanting just enough out of your life-long partner and you’ll get that if not slightly less.
I don’t know the answer, but I’m not sure it would even affect the expectation. We know that 50+% of marriages end in divorce. We know research shows some of the happiest and most stable couples come from arranged marriages in places like India. If there was a Cool-Aid to drink it might actually support never getting married at all.
And yet we end relationships with loving, stable med students because “it just wasn’t there.”
Is that American? Is it 25-year-old? Is it wrong or is it right?
In 40 years who will end up happier? My friend who argued that you can consistently have it all or the one with a less rose-colored approach? And how much will that happiness have to do with their position going in?
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My mom is convinced that our generation has had our minds poisoned by romantic comedies and that we all (men AND women) expect huge fireworks (which is almost never the case in reality) upon first meeting someone and expect to live happily ever without any gliches (after the cliche major catastrophe, obviously). Of course people can live happily together, for the most part, for the rest of their lives, but to expect everything to be smooth sailing ALL the time is unrealistic and just sets yourself up for feeling like you failed. That attitude tends to make people give up instead of working through the issues.
I think a healthy balance of reality and optimism is necessary (afterall, if you’re not optimistic about the future with someone, why the heck are ya marrying them?).
I think marriage is now more of a romantic concept where we all expect a lot of love and affection and yes fireworks whereas previously it was also more of a financial concept where you got married to survive! Particularly as a woman!
I don’t think it’s expecting too much out of marriage to want fireworks and passion, etc. But it is too much to expect that there will never be bad times, or mediocre and boring times in the relationship. Maybe that’s just it. Maybe people don’t get divorced because of the bad times, but because of the boring parts…?
If you are about to walk a tightrope over the Grand Canyon and you believe with every cell of your body that you can get to the other side you MAY very well do so. If there is an iota of doubt in your ability to do so, you will fall.
I think that we do have high expectations for relationships, due in part to the romantic comedies of our culture (yes, I am talking to you, My Best Friend’s Wedding). We shouldn’t be looking for fireworks. We should be looking for a person with whom to share our life, the good and the bad. Once we have that person, however, we can hold out for those small, and sometimes big, moments where fireworks are possible.
Here’s an article that is sort of similar and tells you to settle…
http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200803/single-marry
that article is depressing and makes me sad
It’s hard to find the good from the bad sometimes, but I think you’ve nailed it! would you mind updating your blog with more information?
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