Let’s take this week’s theme one awkward step forward.
Would you rather date someone who’s divorced
or someone who has an illegitimate child?
To be clear.
The someone who’s divorced was married but is no longer. Doesn’t matter how long they were married or why they got divorced. They have an ex person (wife or husband) who is somewhat in their life.
The someone who has an illegitimate child was never married to the child’s other parent. Maybe they dated for awhile. Maybe they never dated. What’s important here is that this child is in this person’s life — visitation rights, child support, birthday presents.
Apologies up front for positioning both of these issues as a problem, but I think we can all acknowledge they’re not ideal and as such debatable.
So — things to consider:
The divorced person got all the way married. Dated someone for a presumably long time. Proposed to said person or accepted a proposal. Endured months of wedding planning and then walked down or stood at the end of an aisle and said “I do.” I realize these things can carry you away. I also realize that things happen that are beyond your control (cheating primary among them) that make divorce a smart option.
Did the now divorced person “make a mistake?” Not necessarily. They may have fully believed this person was the right person and been proven wrong by unknown circumstances. But maybe they did make a mistake. Married for the wrong reasons? Married too young? Who knows.
Now the illegit parent is a totally different situation. This person had sex that resulted in a child. Was the sex with someone they loved but decided they don’t want to marry? Maybe. Was the sex with someone they barely knew? Could have been.
People get pregnant, have children, and never even notify the other parent. In this circumstance, no matter what the relation of the two people before baby was born, this parent was notified and is now responsible. As such they are involved. They have a child. They always will.
What’s interesting about this is that it’s actually easier to find yourself with an illegit child than it is to find yourself married. That’s a — technically speaking — easier mistake to make. And yet it results in someone far more difficult and lasting. An ex wife or husband is awkward and complicated and sometimes expensive, but you don’t have to deal with them in the same way you do a kid.
And then you have to layer in the fact that there are value systems involved here. If someone has a kid out of wedlock that means they chose not to abort the pregnancy. Whether the person is a woman and personally made that choice or the person is a man and supported that choice — it was made. On the divorced side — the person decided to get divorced. Maybe there was absolutely no saving the marriage. Maybe there was a failed attempt. Maybe there was no effort involved. Either way — there was a choice, in both circumstances.
Loaded questions for a loaded issue — one (or both…) of which was maybe the fault of really loaded people.
Which would you choose?
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I’d rather date a divorced guy. You said they only “somewhat” deal with their former spouse. I don’t know what they have to deal with once the marriage has ended and there are no children. Seems pretty cut and dry to me. It’s much easier for that guy to move forward with a new relationship. More than likely, he’s experienced “love” before (though perhaps not as strong as what he experienced with his first wife) and he will likely be capable of experiencing “love” again.
With a kid, there’s the question of how the two parents’ relationship will progress. If their relationship has become more complicated by the introduction of a child, perhaps it will become less complicated as they get a handle on things. I wouldn’t want to be caught up with a guy who suddenly is able to work it out with the baby mama that he’s been forced to see weekly while dating me.
So, yeah, I choose the divorced dude.
This is an interesting question as I was recently dealing with something very similar myself. I’m 24 and the man in question is 41- obvious subtext aside, I realize, quite a substantial age difference, yada yada yada. When I met him, I knew he was a) divorced, and b) had three children with his now ex-wife. Believe me, most of us come with baggage, he came with a wheelie set. Regardless, we still hung out. Had a fantastic time. Complete spark, he works. We’ve hung out a few times since then, and they have all been great dates. The problem- and there always is one, is the children. Dating someone who has children (provided they’re a decent parent) means you will ALWAYS play second fiddle. Always. I’ve had a couple of dates cancelled with this guy because his kid got hurt at a soccer match and had to be taken to the ER. Not horrible, but nonetheless resulted in a cancelled date. In the end, it just won’t work out, aside from the age difference, I don’t want to play second fiddle in a relationship, call it selfish, but it’s true. Career and friends are one thing, but having a family is entirely different. And as the saying goes, blood is always thicker than water.
Dude, “illegitimate child” is not the preferred nomenclature. Last I checked, it wasn’t the 1950’s. We have a black president; wake up Count Choc-ula, Peter Pan.