My friend and I were catching up about the verdict on a guy who’d been giving mixed messages for the few weeks they dated.
He’d return calls and texts (eventually) but not really initiate. He’d agree to dates and plans but never take it beyond a good night kiss. He seemed interested but after several weeks of no real moves it was pretty unclear.
I’d given my friend the advice I usually give in circumstances like these.
Walk away. Send a final – “hey, seems like you’re busy lately so let me know if you’re up for hanging out again” message (text, phone, email) and then let the other person decide. Drop the ball off in his court. As (extensively) discussed – if someone likes you it should feel like they like you and want to make that clear. It shouldn’t feel like you’re confused every day if they ever remember they’re seeing you.
But my friend is a more committed person than I. He liked this guy. And more importantly – if the answer was “no, not interested” he wanted to hear that before he gave up. “I’m very stubborn,” he’d told me the last time we were chatting about it. “I’m not going to give up on this so easily.”
Would you rather walk away and assume the answer is “no thanks”
or would you rather keep going until you know “no” for sure?
With the former you’re protected – as in, you never have to hear “I’d really prefer we just be friends” but you have to deal with the gnawing question of, “did I just give up too easily? Did he/she think it was me who wasn’t interested?” should I have said, “hey, I’m really interested here, where do you stand?”
I want to stand firm on my “if you have to ask then the anwer is no” policy. And “you won’t know if someone is really interested until you leave the ball sitting in their court.” But people from the other camp – my friend included – ask why I don’t just want some piece of mind. You’re way too quick to give up, they say. If you really, really liked a guy why wouldn’t you keep going until you were sure there’s no hope?
Honest answer – because that set-up holds the potential to make me feel like shit and I make it a point to mitigate all potential feel-like-shit opportunities. If on Monday I text you, “hey let me know if you’re up for doing something this week” and the following Monday you text back, “hey, sorry, was swamped last week” I’m not concerned about how you feel about me. At that point I don’t like you.
This – I realize – makes me cynical and quick to judge. In my friend’s scenario he gets a full guarantee that it’s not going to work out. He gets to say — “I wanted something so I went for it and now I’m certain it’s not going to work out, but I gave it my all.” With mine it’s, “I wanted something then it didn’t seem to want me back so I ducked out and will now focus efforts on avoiding this person for life.”
Am I smarter or safer? If my friend more stubborn or just braver? Has anyone’s mind been changed and behavior improved by being flat-out asked, “are you in or are you out?”
My friend’s guy just wanted to be friends. It was what I’d suspected, and what my friend had suspected, even when he asked him. “I’m just glad I know though,” he told me.
He’d rather be disappointed than always wonder. You’ve gotta respect that — especially if, like me, you could never handle it yourself.
My friend and I were catching up about the verdict on a guy who’d been giving mixed messages for the few weeks they dated.
Jessie, I’m also one to avoid feel-like-shit moments. But sometimes you’ve just got to know. It’s the worst thinking you’ve got a shot but never knowing for sure.
But then again, it’s empowering in some twisted way to know you took your self-respect and just walked away with no losses.
On the whole, it’s a toss-up. *sigh*
I love that you put a pic of Chuck and Blair up there. Nice article. I think it depends on the situation. If I really really liked the person, I’d want to know what’s up. If I don’t give a crap, well then, I don’t give a crap.
If it’s not taking any extra attention or energy to wait around and find out, then fine. I think the difference would be if I felt the other person was taking advantage of my being interested and just stringing me along. In that case, confront and get out.
Most of the time though, it’d be cut my losses and move on without a definite answer.
I don’t care how much you might think you like someone, avoid the luke-warm wishy washy people and date someone who consistently makes you happy.
You can evaluate the dynamic after 1-2 dates. Any longer than that and it’s just masochism. You shouldn’t have to wonder what they’re feeling, or worse, wonder what’s wrong with you.
Agree with the above comment! The problem with pursuing until you have a definite answer is that your self-respect gets lost along the way. I’ve been that girl and I never did get the verbal answer, even though I asked. He just stopped contacting me and soon got into a real relationship with someone else. Now I keep my pride and my feelings intact if I don’t think a guy is interested and I get out before I get burned.
while i might say that hearing a flat out “no” will let you walk away a lot easier, it’s also tough on the pride. so normally i tend to assume that it’s a no and get to keep my pride intact. then again i do get those nagging thoughts wondering if maybe i gave up too easily or maybe i wasn’t clear enough bout my interest. it’s tough. but i figure ultimately if he likes you, if you disappear for a bit, he should probably start trying to find you…
I have thought long and hard about this question, especially since I am in a position where I want to just straight out ask him if he’s interested. All through out our “friendship,” I felt like I kept getting mixed signals from him. I REALLY like him, but deep down, I know that he just wants to be friends. At the same time, I hoped that perhaps I was wrong. I haven’t talked to him in a while (which should be another glaring clue, I know) and tonight I began talking to him online. He was super friendly as usual and I, in my desire to be with him, took that as encouragement. Then, out of the blue, he was like, “so I am actually headed out for a review session.” … A review session? On a Friday night at 7pm? I think not. For some random reason, this was my Aha moment – dude just wants to be friends. So, I guessed I saved myself in the end b/c now I know without actually broaching the subject with him. If he liked me, I am doubtful that a review session would happening on a Friday night. Now, all I have to do is figure out how to do is figure out how to get over him…easy as pie…
wait, am i chuck or am i blair? that’s the important question.
I would much rather avoid the “no, not interested,” hearing those words kinda kicks my egos ass. Great post.