It tends to go like this.
You’re out in a cute outfit drinking vodka sodas (splash of pineapple juice – ‘l change your life) and bopping ever-so-whitely to that “Boom, Boom, Boom” song (genius). You take a bathroom break when the new Kelly Clarkson comes on (cannot get behind it) to perform the classic toilet seat breath-a-lizer test (the degree to which you miss the center of the seat upon sitting is in direct proportion to how drunk you are). You’re at about a 6, 6.5 but we’re talking vodka 6 not tequila 6 so you could go for hours. Things are promising.
Poker Face comes on as you sashay back to the posse and it starts to really seep in — shit is gooood. You feel hot. It’s hard to describe the exact moment, but I liken it to a metaphoric adornment of an Amazing Technicolor Dream Coat except the coat is alcohol and what it makes you do is the opposite of religious. Define as you will. Bottom line: you feel sexy…happy…excited…like life is right where it should be.
And so you do what we all do when we feel amazing while drunk and in possession of a cell phone. You text that guy you shouldn’t text.
- _____ bar is amazing tnigt — where r u?
- hey, hey, hey — you out?
- missing you in nyc — how’s your night
- can’t read my, can’t read my no u can’t read my poker face 😉
Maybe you want him to come meet you. Maybe you want him to know you’re having an amazing time. Maybe you want him to tell you he misses you back. Maybe you want to make him wildly jealous. Probably you don’t know.
But in that moment — and that moment can be anything from that exact bar scene to some killer concert or late night stroll around your neighborhood or drive somewhere gorgeous — really any moment where you feel particularly…I don’t know…something good — you feel the overwhelming urge to reach out to that person you keep around because of these very moments.
Why. Do. We. Do. This?
Because that connection feels good. Because that person gives us the attention we want. Because a status update isn’t guaranteed to result in an immediate comment to your status. Whatever — there are a million reasons. They mostly boil down to the fact that if we were in a relationship we would call/text the person we’re dating but we’re not and we’d like to be so we reach out that person we keep on retainer (whether they have us in that same position or not).
My thing is that if you existed (read: drank…) sans cell phone there’s a strong possibility that person would be long gone and you wouldn’t have to spend the next day gchatting your regret to every girlfriend who saw it go down. If it took writing a hand-written letter to said person in order to make contact would they still be around? Hell — what if it took actually placing a call versus sending a text?
If the answer is no and, deep down, you’d rather kick the habit (read: person) and live a life where the first thing you do on Saturday morning isn’t check your outgoing texts, try the following:
Prior to the night out tell your companions to monitor your mobile activity. If/when you go for the device they say, “who and what are you texting” and then you have to fess up. Hearing it out loud tends to make me feel like the fool I am and so if the same applies to you you’ll likely put the phone away and return to choreographing dance moves to Billy Jean.
Of course — if successful in this behavior management technique you do run the risk of having no one to text at 2am and sometimes, for some people, that’s way worse than whatever comes from keeping that go-to textee around…
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Take it from me, the worst offender on the block, you gotta take that shit out of your phone. I have a handwritten list of numbers I’ve taken out of my phone because I can’t be trusted with them, but can’t say goodbye either.
The real trouble lies with the numbers you know by heart! And you’d be surprised what a blackout betty can remember at 2am (and it’s not just how to get home which still shocks me).
I just found your blog on blogher and it speaks to me…
That is exactly me. I have decided I want to invent a cell phone breathalyzer. I always sent the most inappropriate texts. And I always wake up to “umm why did you text me that at 2 AM?” Well…
I’ve even deleted numbers out of my cell phone, only to track them down when drunk. I did this with the same number.. I’m going on 3 times now.