My friend from Friday’s post ended his relationship on amicable terms with the girlfriend who’d been sending mixed messages. They sat down to talk about “things” and the net net was that she wasn’t ready to give what he was looking to get. He was hurt but understanding. She was definitive but said she really wanted to keep him in her life as much as met his comfort level.

And so he’s arrived at a whole new “what to do.” Walk away completely? Reduce it to an occasional check in and maybe drink? Or try the try to be friends thing starting now?

I have a “for me” opinion on the matter — as in, when I’ve had a relationship end that I would have preferred kept going (and that detail is important) I go the “put total distance between us then see if we naturally grow back together” route. And by naturally I mean he comes crawling back but I’ve already met someone better.

That’s my take, but it’s not the answer. The answer is what’s best for you given the facts and feelings involved in each option. Those – as I see it – are as follows:

Walk away completely –as in no contact is made from you to person from break up point forward.

• Facts: You will no longer have that person in your life. You won’t know what or even if they’re thinking about you. You won’t be able to get drunk and “accidentally” hook up with them. If you’re in the same friend group you’ll probably have to adjust things like your role in that group. And, most importantly, you won’t know if that person is dating another person.

• Feelings: Maybe anger at first. You’ll miss them a lot. There may be lingering questions about what could be, what could have been, what went wrong. You’ll probably wonder if you have another chance and, if so, how you go about getting it. You’ll dread going certain places because they might be there. That’s about enough. It’s shitty — very shitty. But after a week or so you’ll stop thinking about them 18 times and hour and shift down to 10 maybe 15 times. They say it takes half the length of a relationship to get over someone, but I think that depends. This is the “taking care of yourself” route — you were hurt and now you’re focusing on getting yourself in a better place minus that relationship. The ex might be disappointed or even mad that you’ve cut ties — in this scenario, you don’t care.

Keep it cordial and casual — you’re in touch but only to be polite and check in, say, if they have a birthday or you know they’re headed on a big trip.

• Facts: It’s not easy to decide what’s significant enough to contact the ex. You’re being polite because this person was important to you, yes – but you’re also keeping contact because you still have feelings for this person and don’t want to let them out of your hands completely. If you reach out and they don’t respond immediately, correctly, or like-they-used-to you will feel sad/bad/angry/etc. Whatever you say when you contact them for whatever reasons will not be what you really want to say. You will absolutely, 100%, without a question text them when you are drunk.

• Feelings: Confusion abounds. You’re doing this a. sos not to be an asshole and just walk away but really b. to keep this person in your life in some way. Maybe that’s because they are a key player in your larger social circle in which case I’m so sorry and just keep your chin up and/or maybe move out of the area for awhile… But if it’s because you’re holding out for you guys to get back together…different story. The real problem here is that no one knows what to do. You don’t know what to say. They don’t know how to respond. We’re all just trying to play nice because things really did end amicably, but all that means is that no one flipped a shit. Amicable doesn’t (necessarily) mean both people wanted it. I don’t even really believe there’s such thing as a mutual break up. Unless both people prompted the same conversation at the exact same time, someone was first to say, “I don’t want to be dating you anymore.”

Stay friends — so you remove the boyfriend/girlfriend features from the relationship but make an attempt to keep most else.

• Facts: One of you chose to remove all the bf/gf features — the other didn’t. So one of you is “comfortable” being friends while the other is trying to grow past the awkwardness and into friendship the whole while just wishing you were still having sex and going on dates. If you weren’t friends in the first place, that’s another hurtle. You’ve never related as friends. You’ve only ever been together. If you were friends in the first place it’s a transition back to those times. But in my mind if you were friends in the first place but then dated someone probably always wanted to be more than friends so that complicates things. Sorry — those are feelings… The facts of this are that you are including this person in your life in a more benign way the whole while wondering what about you and the situation made this person want to remove all the good stuff… It’s a forced friendship.

• Feelings: When I like someone, every moment I’m around them is filled with all this stuff — I’m trying to impress them, I’m watching how they’re reacting to other girls, I’m analyzing how they react to me, I’m testing our compatability by asking weird pointed questions. Bottom line — I’m auditioning to be their girlfriend. I’m trying to be the best version of myself so they’ll take a closer look and go, “yep, want her — it’s decided.” What makes breaking up and staying friends so complicated is that the interactions are filled with some of that stuff plus all this new stuff: some anger, some hurt, some jealousy, some longing. Then add alcohol to that. Trouble. I acknowledge that sometimes you have no choice but to stay friends. But if you do and you chose immediate friendship with the ex, my fear is that current hurt/confusion mixed with ultimate goals to stay close just in a different way will be replaced with anger, jealousy, and (eventually) a “second” break up.

If you kept reading through all that buzz kill you’re now saying: what the fuck am I supposed to do?
Oh — I don’t know. It’s a personal decision. For me — take one big step back, maybe to the point of zero contact, and re-assess when you’re in a better place. But I do think the biggest part of that re-assess is evaluating why you’re doing what you’re doing. If it’s – deep down – because you think it will win them back — abort mission. Getting someone to date you in the first place isn’t easy. Getting them to re-date you after something didn’t quite work out is dangerous. Take care of yourself first. They should understand considering they dumped you. If they don’t — well then that explains things…
(Tomorrow I’ll write about something that doesn’t make you want to drink a fifth of vodka…)