A good guy friend of mine is trying to decide whether or not to break up with his girlfriend.
They’ve been together for XX months – generally happy, fight-free months involving the meeting of several family members on both sides and a getaway to San Francisco (cross-country couple vacays = whoa territory).
My friend likes this girl very, very much. He’s attracted to her. He has fun with her. He respects her. But more than that – as he put it to me – “she sees life exactly the same way I do – and she’s one of the only girls I’ve ever met who’s like that.” That – as they say – is the stuff, especially for this friend who I would describe as going big, about everything, all the time. That life view is hard to match.
As such this guy is all in.
The problem is he doesn’t feel he’s getting that same “all in” behavior back. Yes, they get along, but there are moments where she goes from affectionate to cold or apathetic. Sometimes she seems all about it, but sometimes she’d very clearly rather just be with her friends. She can be nonchalant about the relationship – which is all the more obvious because she’s an extremely chalant person on the whole (yeah – I’m doing that).
Naturally my friend feels weird about the inconsistency. He can’t figure it out if it’s just him slash their relationship or if this is her nature in all relationships. He’s pretty sure he’s not reading too much into it, but what if it has just been a rough few weeks for her – her focus is off, she’s having a blast with her girlfriends – right now he’s just not her #1 priority, 100% of the time.
He doesn’t want to end this relationship, but he also doesn’t want to be treated unfairly or unevenly. That insecurity or lack of balance in a relationship is crippling. He’d rather not have her than only have 75% of her.
Your next question – like mine – is, “well have they had a talk?”
Yes – they’ve had a “is everything okay with us because sometimes I feel like you’re a little detached or distant” talk. Her response was uncertain, fairly unclear, and essentially that she just wasn’t 100% sure where her head was. So, fairly consistent with her behavior.
So what’s a guy to do?
He’s come close to “blowing it up” (context clues lead me to believe this means ending the relationship) but because of his feelings for her he’s willing to hang on, make sure he’s not just overacting, give her more of a chance.
But then there’s that devil (or is it angel?…) on his shoulder saying, cut your losses – get out before you’re humiliated – you deserve better.
My take?
There’s the, “is everything okay between us?” convo and then there’s the “everything is not okay between us” convo. Given his feelings I’d advise he take that awkward step of sitting down and saying, “it makes me concerned when you ___________” or “I question how you feel about us when you’re ______________.” And then to maybe take it that very vulnerable next step of saying, “I’m looking for ______________” someone who ____________’s and _____________’s and treats me like ______________.”
I’m still holding out, but they do say it’s hard to find someone who anticipated all your needs and style and preferences in a relationship. If he thinks this one is 75% there then maybe he needs to help her the final quarter of the way by explaining who he is in a relationship and what he wants. Then it’s all on the table for her to agree or disagree – meet him where he is or explain why she’ll probably stay planted in her spot.
What’s your take? Is there something to be fought for here? Or is he just better of saying, it’s not all there, and I’m not interested in working that hard to push it there?
Monday — what happened and more questions on what should/will happen next…
I just went through this exact situation. I had the “is everything okay with us” talk and he gave me the same unsure response. I stuck it out for basically the same reasons your friend wants to and then the year milestone came and it just made me think. I felt like I was always trying to convince him that I was great and he should be 100%. I would do this by giving 150% while he was giving 75%. This is tiring not to mention degrading and even if it is just the way she is and everything is fine, is that what you want in a relationship? I decided no.
I’m just relieved that girls aren’t the only ones who think like this! Finally, proof!
One of the most unfair things of life is that you can’t control how someone else feels about you. If I could do that, well…I would be with one of the past guys I’ve had feelings for who didn’t reciprocate those feelings. But that’s not the case. So for your friend, as much as they have the same life view and as much as he thinks they’re really compatible, maybe it’s not as much of a match as he thinks it is. She sounds distracted, apathetic and just not into it. It could just be how she is or she could be losing interest. Either way, it’s clearly bothering him. I’m not saying he should just completely cut his losses and leave now, but I would certainly be more cautious, especially since she’s aware of his concerns and still hasn’t changed her behavior (at least it doesn’t seem that way). And that’s somewhat alarming. He needs to take a step back and figure out what’s best for him before he gets screwed over.
I think they should have the “something is wrong talk,” which, you’re right, is totally different than the “is something wrong” talk. If he lays it out and she knows what he expects from a relationship (i.e. not to be blown off), maybe she’ll get it. Or maybe she won’t. Maybe she doesn’t know what she wants, but what they’ve done so far seems like it’s pretty serious. So who knows. But if she is into it (even if its only 75%) an “I’m not happy with this” might make her see her priorities differently, and bump up that extra 25%.
But also, have you gotten the full story about the girlfriend time and all that? Everyone needs to do their own thing, no matter how serious of a relationship you’re in. I would never blow off a planned night with my guy to hang out with the girls, but I would eagerly plan ladies only nights (and often). Maybe he’s just not used to an independent woman and he’s misinterpreting her desire to do her own thing as nonchalance about their entire relationship.
Just a thought.
how old are these people? i’m guessing the guy is a year or two older than she is, and she’s not ready to think as seriously as he is about their relationship. in which case, if he keeps things as they are now, she might catch up to where he is. Is that fair to him? no. but is she worth it? maybe.
I would have to disagree with the last anonymous’s post. If he’s already feeling upset by her actions, to wait until she “caught up” to him could fuel a lot of resentment. Plus, the point of a relationship is to grow together. If he’s standing still while she’s growing, just waiting for her to be where he is, there’s a good chance they’ll end up not being on the same page in that extra year or two anyway.
It’s like how Megan Fox broke Brian Austin Green’s heart. He dated her when she was young and waited for her to reach his maturity level. Then, she left him behind and sad and lonley. Poor Brian.
This is how I acted in the past when I “knew” I should end the relationship but didn’t want to hurt the guy.
It’s easiest to just go through the motions and not deal with the inevitable.
Sometimes I’d forget/ignore my doubts and come off as more affectionate or whatever, but I’d always default back to sllllooowwwllly drifting away.
I’ll bet a “something’s wrong” talk will yield immediate affection/attention but no permanent changes. He should cut his losses.