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Teenaged Saga — Adult Lessons

July 13, 2009

TFLN Tuesdays: Bathroom Deal Breakers

July 13, 2009

Re: Time, wounds, and being stubborn

July 13, 2009


I just got off the red-eye from LA after a four day business slash pleasure trip.

For the business portion I stayed at The Mondrian on Santa Monica Blvd. For the pleasure half I stayed with a friend I once..no I think twice?…oh right there was that….yep, four times swore I would never be friends with again.

Yes – there’s a helluva story there. No – you can’t hear it.

What’s important is this: I’m a girl, he’s a guy. We had for many years what we can generally call conflicts. Said conflicts stemmed from the same thing 99% of guy/girl conflict stem from. One person saw/needed/wanted things one way, the other saw/needed/wanted things another way and then those views/needs/wants reversed for each of us – over and over again.  I know; try living it.

I thought at 18 and then 20 and again around 23 that I had a good enough sense of who I was and what I could handle to make a call on this whole ordeal. That call was that it was best to stay cordial — a christmas-cards-and-birthday-emails-friendship but anything more probably wouldn’t work. I’m not, as general rule, stubborn, but I tend to be sure of myself and then follow that path directly, indefinitely.  I’m told that’s what stubborn is, but I disagree.

I was told to “give it time.” To “see where time took us.” To “let time pass and then see how I felt.” Healer of wounds, incessant ticker, only teller of certain things — frankly I would not become a fan of time on Facebook. It makes no sense and yet governs over all. As an East Coast liberal I can’t support things of that nature.

My problem is that advice around time always seems to vague. How much time heals all wounds? Fine, but Is there anything else that could maybe “tell” besides time? And thanks but, “I can’t explain it — you’ll just know when it’s time” is not advice — it’s a bad movie line.

I think in next steps and project plans. Things left hanging to be fixed by an indefinite don’t sit well with me. This was that sort of thing – it had some rough history, some lingering confusion, and an awkward present. If it were, say, an integrated marketing program I would kill it. If it had been a small pet other than a dog to which I wasn’t particularly attached I would have given it away. Not because I’m an asshole – just because everything doesn’t always work out. Sometimes you do have to walk away. I evaluated and next stepped and project planned and determined this was that – a “learning experience” not a life long friendship.

I was wrong, but then you knew that.

I changed.  He changed. And with that the rhythm of the “we” piece changed.  This past weekend was exactly and yet noting like any time we’d spent together before.  We fell into the old habits, but we weren’t really paying attention to them because of the new ones.  Every once in awhile I thought about where we’d been 6 months or a year before and had trouble remembering what exactly made me sure we’d never get to here.  Everything was different but unlike every time before, it was okay.

When people ask me what it took for us to finally work through all the tough stuff I say two things.  1. That I consciously decided to start working through it versus calling it a loss.  I decided to, as he sang, make that chaaaange – and 2. That after that it just took time.  

How much? When did you know time was up? When did you decide it was time to do whatever you did?, they then want to know.
And like the very proud hypocrite I am, I say, you know, I can’t even remember.

3 comments

  1. Time is a frustrating thing because it is so unpredictable. After numerous break-ups over the years, I thought I knew about how long it normally takes me to get over a break-up. Then suddenly my last one took me almost triple my “normal” time to really get over. But it did eventually happen.

    Also, if anyone can tell me why things you’re excited for take so long to arrive and things you’re dreading come up faster than a speeding bullet, please explain that to me!

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