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Understanding what they preach: integrity

July 29, 2009

Guest Writer: How to Flirt Like a Gay Man: Focus!

July 29, 2009

Regarding beggars and their right to be choosers

July 29, 2009

The next time you or someone you know is describing someone you are/might soon be going out with – presenting the obvious cons, explaining the history behind why this is probably a bad idea, saying things like “I mean I would normally never go out with someone like this” – and then you/they/someone eaves-dropping from the next table says, “well – you know – beggers can’t be choosers…”
Tell them that is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard.
What people who say “beggars can’t be choosers” are really saying is:
  • I’m too lonely and desperate to get to care who I go out with
  • OR No one ever wants to go out with me so I should just say yes because there’s a chance no one else ever will
  • In effect, I’m in no position to be picky because I’m lucky to have a date at all.
I know because I’ve said it.  
Time to unpack this emotional suitcase.  TRUST. (I’ll explain that some other time, for now know that it is pure gold).
People can/should take chances on dates that are different than their typical type.  People should give those with a short list of obvious “cons” a chance.  And sometimes history doesn’t repeat itself and people do learn from their mistakes, so cut a kid some slack.  In short — if you’re being picky for the sake of being picky and should really sack up and go on the date, do that — but do it without the cliched pretense.
None of that has anything to do with the beggar chooser situation. 
From my experience – and the experience of those who call me after first dates – the minute you fall into the beggar/chooser trap the first date/second date/5-month relationship stops having anything to do with the actual person and instead is built on this premise of, “I should do this because I’m in no position to think I’ll do better” — “I should do this because I can’t not” – “I should do this because it fell into my lap and that’s got to mean something, right?”
Honey:
  •  Alone is better than really bad with someone
  • You can “not” –  you can always “not”
  • Bird shit falls into laps too and people often call it lucky.  I call it bird shit in my lap and promptly wash it off without ceremony. 
To state the obvious – for effect – beggars can be choosers.
And I’m going to go so far as to say that they should be choosers because their beggar status renders them unfit to know what’s best.  You’ll eat sand if it looks like a mira… — sorry — you’ll eat Pop Tarts for 3-meals a day if the Barney’s Warehouse Sale is around the corner and absolutely anything you can buy off the street with the cash you have left when you’re drunk-running home.  Judgement: impaired.  Results: heartburn.  
Of course this lecture rests on the fact that we beggars are begging for something great.  Someone great.  An evening that might lead to 7-10 evenings that might result in you-come-home-with-me-to-my-beach-house.  If you’re begging for that, choose away — by all means — and choose wisely. 
But if all you’re begging for is attention, free dinner, a solid make-out, then that’s a different story.  If that’s all you’re after than you’re probably right — you probably shouldn’t be a chooser — what’s the sense in wasting all that brain power if you’re just out there man-handling 
(That’s two puns in two paragraphs, in case you’re not counting).

2 comments

  1. I agree with this theory. However, I gave a really cute guy my number last Friday as per your “put yourself out there” post about your friend who dates a lot, and never heard from the guy. I think one of the things that people hate most about being single is that trying necessitates some amount of failure. and the more you fail, the less you feel like trying. just my 2 cents.

  2. This really struck a chord with me – Time to unpack this emotional suitcase. TRUST. (

    So true. And also so true that people should take chances on dates that are different than their typical type.

    And yes, everyone must always remember that being alone is soooo much better than being with the wrong person.

    Great post. Love your blog!

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