I feel like Zac was the one to point it out first.
He, Chris, and I were sitting at the bar at One and One drinking a respective Bud Lite, Stella, and vodka soda and talking about dating and relationships. A gay guy, a straight guy, and a straight girl, respectively. Three completely different perspectives for three people all essentially the same age and place in life.
Zac was saying something about the nature of a bar like One and One – an on-the-whole “straight person’s” bar with room for stray gays based on its East Village location. People’s expectations for the crowd were built around that premise, he was saying; that mainly straight guys and girls would be present with the off chance of a gay or two in the crowd.
“So right now,” he said, “we’re the most confusing grouping of people that could possibly exist in this bar. Two guys sitting next to each other and a girl on the end. We could be any combination of things right now.”
He was right. I could have been dating Zac with Chris tagging along as a friend just as easily as Chris could have been dating Zac with me as third wheel. And while I was sitting furthest from Chris, it could also have been that he and I were a couple with Zac in the middle as our gay or straight friend. The truth is that it’s none of the above, but if you’re a bystander – ha! barstander in this case – watching us from the corner, there’s no way you could tell what was going on.
As such, there’s no way you’d approach any one of us even though all of us are technically ripe for being approached.
Interesting, right? And it’s as much about the location as it is about the nature of the group.
Two guys and one girl in a sports bar watching the BC/Kent State game (if it were televised..uugghh…) would be no question; they’re two straight guys and a girl who’s likely dating the one she’s sitting next to. Same goes for two guys and a girl you see at a gay bar. They’re gay and she’s the friend. But three guys together at a lounge? Tricky. Two girls and a guy at that same lounge, trickier. Body language can usually be the key, but if all the people are single (read: not touching each other) it could be one of three-factorial scenarios (if I remember 7th grade math correctly, which generally don’t).
Now – Zac, Chris, and I had a blast at One and One that night. We were there to hang out and talk to each other (with one small motive…) not to pick up or be picked up. But, if it was our individual intentions to meet someone that Friday night, we shot ourselves in the feet. As a combo we were almost entirely unapproachable.
And actually, we would have had just as poor chances if just Chris and I had been at that bar chatting together but hoping to each meet someone. Any guy or girl would have assumed we were together. If Zac and Chris had sat down together for some drinks – Zac hoping to meet a guy and Chris a girl – only Chris might have any luck. Any gay guy watching would assume they were together making Zac SOL. And Zac and me – same as Chris and me. People would either assume we were a couple or if they picked up that Zac is gay, still wouldn’t approach.
…Important group dynamics to consider if you’re heading out with a mission in mind. As we concluded that night, it’s most effective to stay in same-gendered groups headed to locations where you’re pretty sure your goal sex will be. That is if you’re unwilling to do the absolute most effective thing: go to a bar alone.
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I don’t think I could ever go to a bar alone, both for personal reasons and safety ones.
But this pairing thing is interesting. I also think that too large of a group of same sex people makes any one person in that group unapproachable. If I have gone out with more than five girls, no one has approached any of us, but if the number is lower 2-4 then guys have approached either alone or with 1-3 other guys.
I don’t think I could ever go to a bar alone, both for personal reasons and safety ones.
But this pairing thing is interesting. I also think that too large of a group of same sex people makes any one person in that group unapproachable. If I have gone out with more than five girls, no one has approached any of us, but if the number is lower 2-4 then guys have approached either alone or with 1-3 other guys.