Over a year ago I wrote about why girls go for assholes – an expose into the minds of those females who consistently pick the douche instilling the belief in good guys that it’s true they finish last.
Today’s topic is the corollary to that piece – a year late because I only just realized it.
The SAT question was a real doozy:
Girls are to Assholes as Guys are to:
A. Ditzes (sp?)
B. Models
C. Players
D. Swedes
E. All of the above
None quite fit the bill. The crux of the Girls —–> Assholes analogy is that it’s this mysterious draw that everyone sees, most people aknowledge, but no one understands.
Then a friend and I got talking about his situation and my blackberry light went on.
Flakes. Girls are to assholes as Guys are to flakes. Those girls who flirt one thing then text another — three days too late. They seem like they’re into you – on even days and most holidays and when the moon is waning, but on the odd and typical and waxing days they’re nowhere to be found. Elusive. Vague. Slightly mysterious. Generally attractive. You’d say they’re totally leading you on, except that would be admitting they’re doing anything at all. You’re still sitting in, “I don’t know, it’s weird with us” land. (But fyi, we’re all saying they’re totally leading you on).
I’d assign percentages at a similar level for girl and guy cuplrits to their individual dating demons. About 20% of girls consistently pick the asshole, and the same amount of guys are eternally attracted to the flake.
Here’s why I think guys get caught in the spell. Help from friends and The Board is interwoven:
The hard-to-get, drives-me-crazy-factor
Girls fall for assholes because they give them this weird, forward, cocky attention, and girls love attention in any form. Guys fall for flakes because their wishy-washy nature makes guys feel like they’re involved in a cat-mouse chase – a hot, cat-mouse chase. She draws you in then lets you loose again. She says one thing that raises your hopes and excitement then does another to bring it all down. When it’s really good, it’s really good. They’re getting glimpses of what this girl could be like…and getting to imagine the rest. It’s not unlike like a drug. Guys get addicted to how they feel when the girl is into them yes, but even more so it’s about the fact that it’s sort of bad and sort of risky and definitely all operating under this weird radar slash cloud of smoke.
Put plainly – guys are really interested in what they can’t have and flakes are really excellent at keeping whether or not they can be had a big, confusing mystery. To many guys, wondering if and when they can have it is really hot.
The “special attention” factor
Remember the part about how girls like assholes because when they’re not being assholes to the specific girl it makes her feel like the two of them have this little, secret world? Like he gives her this special attention he gives no one else? Flakes are masters at this game. They know just how to make a guy feel amazing – intentional or otherwise – creating the “she’s a flake with everyone but me” effect.
Blatant, obvious, bawdy attention makes some guys feel wanted/needed, but attention from an otherwise elusive girl trumps that 1,000 x over for a guy who loves a mysterious, elusive girl.
In this scenario – a guy is generally unaware that he’s dealing with a flake. He sees fun, sometimes attentive, tricky-but-attractive girl at first. It takes him a lot of time slash an observant female friend who says, “run – she’s a flake.”
The dominated/dominant factor
Some of you are thinking – this makes no sense. Why struggle over something you’re never sure you can have if there are options readily available? Why don’t guys just like girls who are upfront and clear about their intentions – who make it known just what a guy will get?
First of all, some guys are into that so let’s not forget that/them. But for the others – the “chase it” and “figure it out” and mystery thing is hot, yes. But one male friend referenced this element of the push/pull involved in dealing with a flake. Guys want to be in charge, dominant in a relationship, in general – but the nature of the flake creates this dominant slash dominated situation that, for reasons that make a little but not total sense – some guys think that’s hot.
The low confidence flake lover, factor
A theory, so bear with me. You would think that a flakey girl would be a guy with low self-confidence’s nightmare – that that guy would want a girl who makes it very clear what she wants and how/where/where he can have it; someone who does the legwork because he’s on the shyer, less sure-of-himself side.
Wrong (I think…). Some guys with lower confidence consistently fall for a flake because those girls are softer, less intimidating…therefore more approachable. And then if you have lower confidence you can’t often wrap it around your brain that you deserve better treatment than a flake can commonly provide, that’s A. But more importantly B., you aren’t as capable of breaking the cycle of the flake. You’re not confident enough to say “screw this.” You’re busy thinking, “well, we have something, sometimes — which must be telling because usually I have nothing, so let me just ride this one out and see what happens.”
She calls and he jumps. She doesn’t call and he lets it go. She calls three weeks later with no explanation of where she’s been, and it all starts over again. A guy with a lot of confidence would say screw it, I can and will do better. A guy without it doesn’t say anything…
Again – a theory – but it seems to check out.
And finally – the “some flakes are hot” factor
Guys like hot girls – always and everywhere. Some hot girls are also really flakey. Is it a result of their flakiness? I don’t know; that’s another post. But sometimes girls observing guys loving flakey girls are just observing guys loving hot girls. Are they flakey? Maybe. Does it matter? No.
That’s the round-up from where I sit, but please tell me if I’m wrong, or missing an issue, or sometimes/often/ever a flake…
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Hmm, very interesting. I would say that assholes/flakes are a good comparison, but where do the drama queens come in? Why do guys like women who are dramatic/psycho? I don’t equate flakey with those adjectives so I don’t think I’m talking about the same type of girls.
Hmm, very interesting. I would say that assholes/flakes are a good comparison, but where do the drama queens come in? Why do guys like women who are dramatic/psycho? I don’t equate flakey with those adjectives so I don’t think I’m talking about the same type of girls.
But to guys ever really stick with flakes?
You may have already answered this in your post, but I skimmed today. I’m sorry.
But to guys ever really stick with flakes?
You may have already answered this in your post, but I skimmed today. I’m sorry.
I feel like your last theory about low confidence is more applicable to women liking flaky guys than vice versa. But that’s just my thoughts on the topic. Everything else sounds about right to me.
I feel like your last theory about low confidence is more applicable to women liking flaky guys than vice versa. But that’s just my thoughts on the topic. Everything else sounds about right to me.
assholes are often flakes too. I think what you’re getting at is that some people like a power dynamic where they’re never really sure if they’re winning. keeps it suspenseful I guess.
assholes are often flakes too. I think what you’re getting at is that some people like a power dynamic where they’re never really sure if they’re winning. keeps it suspenseful I guess.
i agree with your theory. but there is also the fact that all guys like chasing. they love the feeling of having something accomplished that they fought for.
about the drama queens that erin mentioned – i’m curious about that too. they are usually the ones who have longer relationships than the ones who are rather normal and understanding.
i agree with your theory. but there is also the fact that all guys like chasing. they love the feeling of having something accomplished that they fought for.
about the drama queens that erin mentioned – i’m curious about that too. they are usually the ones who have longer relationships than the ones who are rather normal and understanding.