The follow-up from Monday’s story about Pumpkin and her less than ideal man, maybe.

It may have been serendipitous that I named Pumpkin as such – a complicated fruit (vegetable?) to go with a very complicated woman. After assuring Pumpkin that no one would ever be able to figure out her true identity, we sat down to talk more about this “situation” she has gotten herself into. There probably should have been wine, beer, or at least potato chips involved, but Pumpkin and I are both unemployed and had to wake up early to get a jumpstart on fixing that situation.

Pumpkin assured me that she realizes this situation is not ideal. She joked that beggars really can’t be choosers and that living with her parents does not offer lots of options for meeting attractive and available men in her age bracket – although there is probably a support group for adults living with their parents where she could pick up some basement-dwelling suitors. With further prying on my part, a lot was revealed about why Pumpkin is in this predicament and why she won’t remove herself.

Pumpkin is a recent graduate like myself. In these early days of moving home, going on dates with your parents, and being “left behind” by college friends that are on the brink of their new lives – there is comfort in stability (when and if you can find it). Pumpkin’s man-friend (let’s start calling him Katy Perry – for his constant Hot and Cold behavior) is a constant in her life. His behavior might be wavering from time to time and unpredictable in nature but his interest still exists. Putting his behavior aside, Katy Perry is around. Pumpkin does care about him and has invested a lot in their relationship/non-relationship. He calls, they spend time together, and he expresses general interest in her life. For her, Katy Perry may be one of the few things that isn’t changing, up in the air, or requiring her constant hard work and attention. Maybe this guy is not giving Pumpkin what she really wants or deserves but he does give something that is greatly missing in a life full of transition – constancy.

Pumpkin admits that she probably painted Katy Perry much worse then he actually is, a dramatic girl after my own heart. But maybe there is something deeper and more important in this “union” than either is willing to admit. As Jessie reported in the post about hooking up with your ex’s, the post about wanting a special someone to text you, and the post about bad dates vs. no dates; sometimes we need to do things that aren’t ideal because they speak to other needs that we have. Ambiguity in relationships is not new, and the Pumpkin + Katy Perry relationship/non-relationship is far from an urban legend. More likely everyone has been in an “in between stage”. But that doesn’t detract from our Pumpkin situation.

It’s easy to judge the decisions Pumpkin is making. She could be happier, could be walking away from an ambiguous situation toward a brighter relationship future, could be expecting more commitment for herself but she isn’t. Pumpkin isn’t sure – maybe she feels like she can’t walk away, doesn’t want to miss out on the chance that Katy Perry could actually be James Marsden in disguise. She says that she is just trying not to worry about it – to let it be what it is and cross the bridge of moving on when it presents itself. In Pumpkin’s defense, she says she can and will walk away when she thinks it’s really necessary – but isn’t really sure what that will look like.

There are times when I think Pumpkin is crazy. I think that she should take her dignity to hit the road. She may be setting herself up for failure because she is afraid that she can’t find the success that she wants. But then there are other times when I get it. I see how constancy and stability would be a refreshing change at a time when nothing is the same as it was before. So, maybe it’s not that Pumpkin can “handle it” but rather she is willing to endure it. Maybe at this point, the good moments outshine the bad because they are filling a specific void.

The verdict is still out (again). Maybe Pumpkin is throwing herself in harms way. Or maybe Pumpkin knows what she needs and is finding it in Katy Perry (the man, not the pop artist).

There are some answers here (“Pumpkin admits that she probably painted Katy Perry much worse then he actually is”) and some very poignant confessions (“maybe she feels like she can’t walk away, doesn’t want to miss out on the chance that Katy Perry could actually be James Marsden in disguise”), but I think the most telling piece of the story being told is this part:

“Pumpkin is a recent graduate…..and Pumpkin’s man-friend is a constant in her life. His behavior might be wavering from time to time and unpredictable in nature but his interest still exists.”

If I had my own therapy session with Pumpkin I’d make her make a list of what she likes about this guy and what she doesn’t. Then I’d look at that list and try to figure out how much of what she doesn’t like is based entirely on the fact that right now, she doesn’t know what she likes. She doesn’t really know who she is or where she wants to be. She’s in this weird spiral of, frankly, no where and nothingness (which is a feeling, not the truth I suspect), and she’s trying to make Katy Perry her fall-out shelter. Now, he may just be the wrong guy for her. He might never be able to be there for her like she needs – even when she knows exactly what she needs. But she’s not going to be able to figure that out right now.

If Pumpkin is miserable about this man, she should adress that. She should say, “x,y, and z that you do and that are a part of our situation are bad for a,b, and c reasons so we need to fix it together or end it.”

But if Pumpkin is miserable about Pumpkin, she should work on fixing that.

And if, right now, Pumpkin needs time to fix that and sees that this situation with Katy Perry is hurting and not helping – even if he may turn out to be James Marsden – she should say, “I care about you, and I care about us, but right now because of where I am and where you are and our dynamic and what I think I need, I need to stop doing what we’re doing because I’m afraid it’s going to destroy what could be a good thing in the future.” Or, you know, something less Meg Ryan movie than that…