Spend more than a half hour talking to a guy about relationships and he’ll deal you the line they always deal when the convo turns to how impossible it is to get a girl: “you know, girls have all the power.”
If you’re me you respond, “really…interesting…what makes you say that?” and then pull out the moleskin you keep in your clutch that’s purposefully big enough to hold a moleskin.
It’s a confidence thing, they’ll say – meaning girls are inherently more confident than guys and therefore stand more chance of making something happen. So, girls hold all the power in a bar. Or “because girls ultimately say yes or no, go or stop” – an argument that applies to the sexual dynamic; girls hold all the power in the bedroom. “Plus,” I heard one guy say, “girls can live without guys way easier than the other way around. We need it. Girls don’t.” Unclear…
Bottom line – the male camp thinks girls hold all the cards, but ask the female set and they’ll say, “no we most certainly don’t.”
My question has always been – what does it mean to have all the power? Does it mean that guys are inherently less likely to go get a girl so any girl who’s confident and willing has the cards stacked in her favor? Fine, but I know a lot of women who would make that age-old, “but guys want to pursue girls and keep the control, so we’re inclined to sit back and let them come to us.” In essence, girls may have the power but guys wish they did, so girls are better off relinquishing.
Is all the power sexually based? Do these guys mean that because girls have to consent to sex they have control of the relationship? That they say when it goes from one level to the next?That makes sense, but only if the entire relationship is about sex. So do girls “control” if a hook-up happens? Probably. But do they control if the guy ever calls for a follow-up? I’d say no – and that no would be a well-tested no.
I tried to think of all the relationships my friends are currently in and the relationships I’ve been in myself. It’s a 60/40 split to be honest. More of the girls I know have made the moves to get the guys they have, and in my own case more of the relationships I’ve been in started because I initiated them, but that’s far from a “girls have all the power” maxim.
To me if we’re talking first move I’d argue that a confident and forward girl will do just as well as a confident and forward guy – in a bar, in a friend group, on the internet, wherever. But maybe that’s just the bars and friend groups and internets I’ve experienced.
What have you seen? What have you experienced? What do you think makes one side think the other has all the power? And if you think it’s your gender who has it, would you rather you didn’t?
*Thanks Brendan. And in the future I’ll let you know if something you randomly say is going to be turned into a blog post.
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Did you really waste time thinking about this?
Women absolutely have the power, in a sexual sense. Even based solely on the technology available for women to produce children completely sans-partner – helllloooo sperm bank! – society is progressing (or regressing?) to a point where men are becoming more and more obsolete. I can make money without a man, I can support myself without a man, I can have an orgasm without a man and – ouch, the ultimate power neg – I can make a baby without a man.
Now, does that mean I want to have those things without a man? Of course not. I still want to, but it’s kinda nice knowing I have the power to do it on my own, if I so desired. And of course men can adopt, but… it’s not the same.
Also, I think there is a power shift that occurs around mid-20s. At this age – 23 – I think men hold more power in the dating world, because women seem to be more desperate to be in relationships, for whatever ungodly reason. Young women want it, but young men seem to be in no rush, so men have their pick of women who are desperate for them.
But that switches over around mid-to-late 20s, when single men realize that they DO want to settle down, and that women actually don’t need them, and become desperate to find one who will partner with them. Of course by this point women have ALSO realized that they don’t need men, so the ball is in their court.
La la alaaaaaaaa in the words of Goldmember, “Oooh! It’s a power struggle.”
Women do indeed have the power, and the reason is quite simple. It’s really NOT that hard to please a man.
Sex and a sandwich!!
That may sound funny and a little flip, but it is true.
Give a man regular sex and regular meals, and treat him with some respect, and that man will slay dragons for you. Women and men make thinking way too much is what makes the game so hard to play.
You are almost using the word pwoer in a negative light, and granted that is how many people see it. Power is having control over someone. Not necessarily. I have the power to keep my man happy or I have the power to crush him, and send him on his way. The male ego is indeed fragile and delicate, and it does not take much to keep it happy.
Sex and a sandwich!! A little kindness! A little appreciation! And you will have a man eating out of your hand, in a good way!!
@Rebekah: how did you discover the secret to men? 🙂
Re: the post, maybe the top 20% of each gender has the power, b/c 100% of the dating population is seeking them. So, if you’re a good looking man with a job and money in the bank, perhaps you have the power. If you’re a good looking woman with a job, then perhaps you have the power.
@Rebekah… if you think sex and a sandwich is what does it for men, I think perhaps you have never been in a relationship with one.
I think if one person likes the other person more, or has a stronger desire to be in a relationship, he/she will have very little control. But if feelings are more or less equal, so is power. The idea of being monogamous and romantic has become synonymous with femininity, so it might seem from the outside like the female has the power, but I don’t think that’s actually true.
In this scenario, I think that quote along the lines of “The one who loves the least controls the relationship,” kind of rings true. Be it male or female, the one who is willing to sacrifice and adjust as opposed to the one who requires the sacrificing and adjusting. That could be man or woman, right? I think a lot of us 20-somethings have probably experienced both sides of the fence. While it feels good to be the one in control, it never compares to the depth you feel as the one who loves more… Ah, double entendre… you sonofabeesting!
this is a sweet/painful topic. The one who is needier is the one who yeilds power more readily.