note: please trust that I won’t make reading and/or reviewing self-help books a habit. Especially ones with beach scenes on their cover…their purple cover…
Like I mentioned – my sister Dani-the-wise recommended a psychology-based, self-help-ish book over the holiday break. “Recommended” is used here to cut to the chase about how I got this book. What really happened is 1,000+ comments on behalf of Dani that went something like this: “Thank you for providing me with an act of service Dad, you know how much that means to me,” and, “Jessie, perhaps you could use some words of affirmation to help Alex understand how proud you are?” and “You can’t blame Mom, Sara. She receives love as ‘quality time spent,’ so that explains her frustration with your leaving tonight.”
So it was more like me saying, “jesusmaryandjoseph let me at that god-damned book!” than her so much recommending. Details…
The Five Love Languages – (Gary Chapman) is built on the premise that there are five different manners or styles (or, languages…) in which we both give and receive love. And, more importantly, that the way you want it isn’t always the way you give it (hold the jokes).
From the official website (with my commentary):
- Words of Affirmation – Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. JR: so not just throw-away compliments and pleasantries. Overall communication of feelings and a constant stream of your significant other expressing their understanding of you. No biggie.
- Quality Time – In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. JR: this one’s mine, now making it extremely clear why certain friendships and relationships have fa-ailed. Where was this book 6 years ago…
- Receiving Gifts – Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. JR: don’t mistake it for materialism, buuut let’s be clear, this is about the exchange of physical things aka materials.
- Acts of Service – Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. JR: unlike the gifts one this one is about emotional, time-consuming, or immaterial things. This one is Dani’s meaning I’ll never refuse to not iron her dress before Christmas mass again…
- Physical Touch – This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. JR: Yeah, me too with the, “um, if this isn’t your love language then you have a serious problem,” but apparently it’s about which expression of love is most important to the success of your relationship. Fair.
Years ago I was involved in a relationship where I constantly found myself saying, “it’s like I’m conducting this relationship in English and he only speaks Portuguese.” If only I could have formalized that thinking into, say, five different languages all explaining the different pieces of the relationship that were missing slash wrong I might have a New York Times best-seller on my hands, but the point here is that two loving people who both care about each other can still swing and miss again and again because they’re going about expressing that love through different styles. A lovey-dovey woman full of compliments is just going to piss a guy off if what he really wants is tangible help with his career or hobbies, let’s say. A girl who is dying for her boyfriend to tell her how he really feels is still going to feel lonely and unloved if he showers her with gifts. You get it.
Take me, for a specific example. True story, minus the guy. The internet in my apartment is constantly spotty. It takes me 15 minutes to download a song off iTunes some days because the connection is so weak, and forget about watching My So-called Life on Hulu (yeah, they have it – and yeah, it’s as good if not better now). So if a guy I was dating were to come over and help fix that Internet connection I’d be incredibly grateful. But if that guy had one hour in his week to see me and used that hour to fix my internet I’d potentially be annoyed. I know that sounds crazy, but look at how the convo might play out:
- Him: Sorry I’ve had a crazy week but let me come over Saturday and fix your Internet on my break.
- Me: Oh, yeah? How much time do you have off?
- Him: An hour and a half.
- Me: Well, why don’t we just get something to eat instead?
- Him: But your Internet is a mess. Let me come fix it for you.
- Me: Okay…
- Me to my friend at brunch the next day: So I don’t see him in a week and he just tinkered with the Internet the entire time…
- Him: Sorry I’ve had a crazy week but let me come over Saturday and fix your Internet on my break.
- Me: Oh, yeah? How much time do you have off?
- Him: An hour and a half.
- Me: Well in that case it would mean more to me if we just spent time eating and catching up. We can do my Internet later or I can work on it on my own. Is that okay?
This seems simple – dumb even – but 9 times out of 10 we don’t do this. We don’t a. identify what we really want and b. come right out and ask for it. And just to be sure we don’t take this from sage advice to a convo-NO-guy-wants-to-have, it isn’t, “it would mean more to me if we just spent time together because, see, my primary love language is quality time spent – with a secondary of words of affirmation, which we’ll get to another day – which means, to me….” Save it.
In fairness, sometimes we’re not sure. I knew that quality time was important to me, but after an initial glance of the 5 languages I didn’t know that was the one I prefer the most (they have a quiz – to make this as vom-induction, self-help-y as humanly possible). It takes time to figure it out, and it’s true that sometimes you can prefer to receive love in two, primary ways. Not the point.
The point is that we don’t stop to figure this stuff out or, if we do, we don’t take that step to explain how we most prefer to operate or how the other person operates. Why not if doing so could solve so many problems? Because – guys-on-the-whole-but-people-in-general-to-be-fair – we want to be with mind-readers.
Tomorrow: what that means, why it’s a problem, and how we’re going to try but likely fail to solve it.
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if you’re internet is wireless it might be spotty because it has the same ID as another in your area – make it more personalized so it’s not competing.
oh my – i just commented on how to fix you’re internet…. i’m an idiot.
Can you need all five languages of love? Does the material goods include food? I think I need the quiz to sort it all out.
I agree with you 100% on the not asking for what we want. People want to be surprised by someone reading their mind and are angry if someone can’t do it.
good post. I’ve had my experiences and with that book too.
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