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The crazy-enablers, from BET Honors to Ole Miss

January 21, 2010

The first-grade teacher phenomenon?

January 21, 2010

There’s a difference between wanting a needing a boyfriend

January 21, 2010

You want a boyfriend (or girlfriend – just switch all the pronouns) because they’re cute/hot men who kiss you both whenever you ask them and also by surprise. You want one because it’s really fun to go to dinner with someone you’ll wear something special for and can flirt with from start to finish without knowing if they’re just in it for the maybe sex. Boyfriends are excellent on rainy days slash all of Winter so you can stay in for the day slash entire season with guaranteed entertainment. They’re really helpful receptacles for your daily stories, work gripes, and friend squabbles and even more fun for escaping and/or powering through rough social/work/family obligations. And, of course, at the crux – you want a boyfriend because boyfriends make you feel good about yourself – like someone chose you, despite the odds and after spending time with you, still makes that choice. In a word, companionship. In another word, attention.
None of that is bad or wrong or needy, but none of those are things you technically need.
In fact, most of us have 85% of those wants met by a form other than boyfriend: friends, family, co-workers, etc. We are living, functioning, successful and mostly happy adults without the want of a boyfriend being met – sometimes so much so that we can’t even identify it as a major want. You hear it all the time – “I don’t want a relationship right now” – “I don’t want a boyfriend right now” – “I don’t want this to get serious.”
A boyfriend is a desire, not a necessity – a glass of wine not a bottle of water. You want the wine. You know the wine will be good. There’s a chance the wine will do things for you that are very good – calm you, entertain you, help you finally say that thing you really need to say, but you don’t need the wine to survive.
(it gets less cynical, but not right away)
I have always been one of those people who believe you don’t really ever need a boyfriend.
From time to time I want one, sometimes a specific one, but in my how-ever-many dating years – two of which have been spent in relationships…and that’s totaling up all the random months – I have truly never felt I needed a boyfriend. As David would/did put it, I’m a tough girl. Independent, yes, but you can be fiercely independent and successfully coupled. Cynical, of course, but in this case a cynic would argue that you can’t find a good relationship, not that you don’t need it. I’m just cut from a cloth that’s taught me many, many things in your life can bring you the kind of happiness, stability, love, and commitment that a boyfriend/fiancé/husband also bring. If that makes me particularly tough, well then thank you, but you should know that I cry every single time I hear Mariah Carey’s “Hero” which has just got to disqualify me.

Do I want to grow up to be a happily married woman with a wonderful family – absolutely. Do I acknowledge I will be and have already been lonely at times without a relationship, of course. But do I think I need a partner – that I will be less of anything (a woman, a success, a loving person, etc.) without one, no. I have existed and thought I’d continue to exist under the belief that a relationship would enhance my life in tons of wonderful ways, but none that would be 100% make-or-break for me.
And then in one line delivered in a god-awful gossett dress, Sandra Bullock proved me maybe wrong.
What she said at the close of her Golden Globe acceptance speech was simple, “there’s a reason my work improved when I met you. You’ve got my back.” She said it to Jesse James, her husband of four years and a man who – it’s true – came into her life at a time that curiously corresponds with the turn in her career from blockbuster rom coms and light action flicks to the kind of roles that wine you Golden Globes for Best Actress.
If I can put words in Sandra Bullock’s mouth (and not the ones she’ll eventually read off the script of mine she’ll someday perform) – I think what she meant is that having the support of a partner, a companion, in her case a committed husband changed her. She was one thing before him – a thing no-doubt capable of existing and, all-would-say thriving, but now with him she’s she is better at being who she wants to be. His support was something she needed – whether she knew it or not.
I don’t know what the power of love from a boyfriend/husband can do for a person. It’s not something I’ve experienced myself. I’m luckily familiar with the unconditional love of parents – something that I would say I need to be the self I want to be. So then why shouldn’t that of a partner be the same?
It’s risky to take that step from want to need. But maybe what Sandra was getting at is that once you take that turn – once you decide you’re comfortable needing it – you can experience the full effects of letting go and experiencing what being loved can do for you.
I’ve always been the kind of girl that needs love in my life – I’ve just never been one who’s comfortable saying “and that love needs to come from a boyfriend.”
But maybe I’m wrong. Maybe the lines between want and need are blurrier than I’d like. And maybe the real tough girls are the ones who are brave enough to ignore the lines.

5 comments

  1. There’s definitely something to be said of the brave people who admit they’re strong enough without someone, but invite people in because they’re stronger when they do. It’s not “want” and “need” in the sense that, “I need a boyfriend to be better,” or “I want a boyfriend because I can’t do this without one.” Instead, it should be “I want a boyfriend because being in love challenges me and forces me to grow in ways I couldn’t do alone,” and “I need those challenges, in the form of love, to be the best person I can be.” Many times that kind of relationship is built upon the intimacies of boy/girlfriend/husband/wife, but I firmly believe that sincere, trusting friendships can work the same way.

    “Fall in love, stay in love, and it will decide everything.” Right?

  2. her speech was so amazing, not the dress. Being in love is a challenge though, I speak from experience. Loved this post though, made me feel better!

  3. Feel like you just wrote what runs through my mind all the time. I agree whole heartedly; it’s really hard to be the girl who doesn’t feel like she needs love, to admit that it may make her better. Even when I know the words are true, they still barely come out of my mouth.

  5. Great post! I love your blog, it’s quite refreshing and thoughtful! I wish you had done more with your other one though! One post last year? What happened with the sex talks?:)

    Check out my blog and tell me what you think… http://www.learningtodrivestick.com

    thanks so much and keep up with the awesome posts!

    ~”student driver”

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