A fellow BC grad and friend sent the following story/idea, appropriately, in a Facebook message last week:
“So, my boyfriend of one year had yet to put “In a Relationship” on his Facebook profile. I told him that out of respect to me, he needs to let others know he is dating someone (like ex-gfs and such)….which led into this whole half joking conversation about “E-respect” and how he needs to have more! And then I started thinking about the concept of “e-respect” and how it could be keeping a J-date or match.com profile active (even tho not using it, but people can still view it…including people you know!) when you are not dating someone, or never tagging yourself with pics with your bf/gf?…or never responding to public facebook wall posts…what do you think?”
First thought – I haven’t been in a relationship long enough since the advent of Facebook to really have an opinion on this…
Second thought – uugghhhh
Third thought – Interesting slash valid topic.
Think of it in this over-exaggerated-but-I’ll-get-to-the-point way: if you proposed to a girl and she refused to wear an engagement ring, you’d un-propose. Same for a guy who says, “I want to marry you, but I’m not interested in ever wearing a wedding ring, cool?” What do the rings really mean – nothing; they’re a physical symbol of an emotional and legal commitment. But what do they mean to the world? He/she is taken. You wear them out of commitment, but also very much so out of respect.
Now consider how you’d feel about a guy who says he wants to be your boyfriend and is completely and totally loyal but refuses to call himself your boyfriend or let you give him that title. Is he any less your boyfriend in action? No. And so he may say, “why do you want the title so much?” – but what you should be thinking is, why don’t you?
This whole e-etiquette-when-dating issue is of those same veins, just in a different medium – that of social networking. There are things that mean you’re in a relationship – promises, actions, feelings; those exist between two people. Then there are more formalized things – titles, rings, etc; those exist between you and the entire seeing world. And now there are e-things – relationship status, Facebook albums, online dating accounts – that means you’re dating to the online social meta-verse. Ridiculous? maybe, but by no means obsolete.
The thing is, this online world is tricky. It’s a place where some things are exactly as they seem – what we look like in pictures, what other people say on our Walls – and others are as we intend for them to seem – our status updates, our Doppleganger Week pictures (really? Reallly??). It’s far easier to blur the lines of who you are in real life inside your Facebook life.
So back to the original question. Is it disrespectful to not list the fact that you’re in a relationship on the Facebook after you’ve been in one for over a year? No. Not inherently. To me, it isn’t an offense against your girlfriend to not list it. I’m not entirely sure it’s something I would/will ask for should I find myself in that situation (while the Facebook is still in existence…).
But there’s a second question here, which is really at the heart of this whole issue. Is it disrespectful to refuse to list it if your guy or girlfriend asks? I think yes – definitely. What you’re technically saying with that refusal is “I’m not willing to tell everyone I’ve given access to my personal profile that I’m in a committed relationship.” And if that’s your position, the person dating you is fully entitled to ask, why the hell not?!
Those refusing will say, “what’s the big deal? who cares? It’s the Facebook – no one cares that I’m in a relationship and all they’re going to say if I change my status is, ‘that’s gay.'”
To which I, if I were the girlfriend who wanted it listed, would say, “correct, what is the big deal? who does care? Because if it’s you, I’d love to know why, and if it’s because your friends may call you gay, I’d like you to grow up.”
(which may explain why I’m single…)
My Mom – who I invoke here only because she’s an example of someone who doesn’t understand social networking – would say, “that’s ridiculous – why does anyone need to know you’re dating someone? If it becomes an issue, you tell someone. But this whole announcing- your-every-move to the world is ridiculous.”
She has a point. But first, back to the example of the J-date or match.com situation. For those unfamiliar, you do have to remove yourself from the services even after your subscription is up otherwise your profile sits there as an option to other subscribers, and you can still get e-mails of the “Yanks4Life winked at you! Get back on Match today, and tell him you’re interested” variety (orrr exactly that email…). So again, if you’re lazy and it sits there and your girl/boyfriend doesn’t care – whatever. Would it be most appropriate to take yourself off, yes absolutely. But my concern around this issue arises when a significant other says, “could you take that down” and you say, “why? what’s your problem? what does it matter?”
The thing about J-date and match.com, and Facebook as the prime example, is that people are watching – people you know, and people you don’t know. So while my Mom is right in theory, this is a game of practice. You put yourself on the Facebook, you upload new photos, you comment on people’s status’s – you’re in; you’re a part of it. Same with J-date and Match and all the others. You don’t get to selectively decide “it doesn’t matter” when it comes time to make your girlfriend a known part of your online life. Cause, see, here’s the thing – it’s not your online life – it’s your actual life. Thiiis is where things get tricky for we of the Facebook generation.
We like to craft a very specific image of ourselves through our online profiles. Add a girl/boyfriend to that image and things change – people view you differently slash less, write different things on your wall, comment in different ways on your pictures. If you portray yourself as a single person inside the walls of Le Book, you’ll be treated like a single person.
True-story-I’m-not-proud-of: the very first thing I do after I meet someone I’m interested in is search for them on Facebook and find a way to view their profile without requesting them as a friend (this, thanks to my friend John, is easier than you think). And then the very second thing I do is scavenge for clues as to whether or not they have a girlfriend. Stop one: relationship status. Stop two: the wall, single guys will have far more flirtly messages from random girls. Stop three: photos. If someone is in a serious relationship you can tell from one to two albums.
And, if after all that I determine they’re in fact single, I will begin work on my strategic approach to getting them to date me.
Do girls want other girls going through that very mortifying but incredibly common process with their boyfriends? No. And do guys want very-similar-and-don’t-you-even-try-to-tell-me- guys-don’t-do-that shit going on with their girlfriends? More no.
And that is all there is to it.
(Thanks Clel!)
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Hey Jessie! I would absolutely love that tip to see someone´s profile without requesting them as a friend, please? 🙂
There is someone I fancy and he says he doesn´t have a girlfriend but taking into account his age (soon 34) and the fact he is breathtakingly handsome… let´s just say before I go on a date with him I´d prefer to verify that info for peace of mind.
[email protected]
Please email me with the way to do it. I would really appreciate that!
Well put!
I actually disagree. I have a policy of never listing my relationship status on facebook. Although I would be convinced to put it up if I were say engaged or married. Realistically speaking not everyone’s social network is well guarded/tight-knit/etc. Anything short of that I feel like is not anyone’s business. My “real” friends, i.e. those I see on a regular basis, will know who my significant other is. But I have no desire to necessarily share that part of me with my coworkers/acquaintances that are on there that I don’t consider friends. Plus realistically speaking, most relationships don’t last. And given Facebook’s notification of every single move you make, you are then advertising to 500 of your closest friends that you are now recently single. Or what if you have a fight and are on a break, do you remove your status and then put it back and again inform all these “friends” that you are in a rocky point in the relationship. I love facebook and all, but I don’t get this bare all to the world mind-set that we have. If your significant other prefers to remain more private, even in the world of rampant social media, I feel like you should respect that. It’s not because I’m ashamed of you, etc. So given my strong view on this, isn’t is slightly disrespectful to demand that I change?
Dating profiles on match.com and the like, though, are a completely different story.
Rose, I, too, am in agreement. And I couldn’t have said it any more succinctly.
Relationships are complicated enough without having to broadcast to the world your every move. Unless there’s a greater commitment there, like engagement or marriage, I would be strongly against such a display of my personal life.
That being said, if someone is keeping their status up as “single” while seriously dating someone, or trolling for new squeezes and doesn’t want a relationship tag to impede on that, sure, there’s a different story there. But none of those labels or designations on facebook are going to replace trust.
Hi Jessie, I just wanted to say how much I LOVE your blog!
It’s too bad that psychos like Faye have nothing better to do than obsess about leaving negative comments on your blog. Get a life Faye – if you don’t like the blog, don’t spend so much of your time reading it.
word up to Rose and KAC! I’m am totally on that train. I’m usually an open book, but when I was in a serious relationship not only did I not change my status, I never posted pictures of us together and untagged pictures that other people posted. Relationships are difficult enough with speculation from 3rd parties.
Jessie – I heart you and your blog.
Sadly technology has given men a way out of ever having to ‘man up’ to commitment. Why phone when you can text message instead? How romantic. If you cannot declare to the world through facebook that you are in a relationship with someone that you love and are proud of, there is something wrong.
Men will chicken out of anything they can. If they don’t feel the need to ‘define’ a relationship, they don’t have the right to be in one. Its time they started realizing that they aren’t worth the time of day and that we don’t revolve around them.
Do some work boys. Grow a set.
Relationships are complicated enough without having to broadcast to the world.
I found myself in this exact situation recently and I remembered this entry, so I looked for it on your site.
I think that those who say “It’s nobody’s business” fail to grasp just how much meaning facebook has… at least to young people with frequent access to technology. Those who say that your making private things public do not realize that they are not all that private to begin with. If you are an active facebook user, your social life is not private. And to a lesser extent, you could say that if you live in the 21st century, your life is not private.
I remember reading a study on facebook a while back. This study concluded that facebook does not enhance friendships nor is it a good place to meet strangers, but it is very successful at helping acquaintances to get to know each other and eventually become friends.
Basically, facebook is good for the “meeting” stage. For me, it has always been a key step in the flirting/dating process. I’ve always checked to see if girls appear single or not. And what’s more, if a girl showed signs of not being single, but did not list herself as being in a relationship, then I was more likely to pursue her. I was more likely to think, “If she doesn’t put him on facebook, then she’s probably not very serious.”
I decided to list myself as “in a relationship” on the grounds that it will probably a) make me appear less threatening/risky to girls who I might become friends with and b) discourage girls who are interested in me from thinking of me that way.
Likewise, I don’t want people to see my girlfriend as one of those girls who clearly isn’t serious because otherwise she would have posted “in a relationship.”
I don’t feel like it’s necessary to post your status- I don’t feel like its an obligation. It just can do a whole lot to help people to stop thinking they have a chance with you/your partner. Sometimes I suspect that people who don’t want their status to be shown are too accustomed to the attention they get when they’re single. This is usually associated with men but women are guilty of it, too- maybe even moreso than men.
I know no one has posted in months, but I found this article on google after I had a recent talk with my girlfriend, so my opinion may be of help to others who do the same in the future…
My girlfriend and I are madly in love and have a very healthy relationship and plan on keeping it that way into the future…
So naturally neither of us had any hesitation or issues with making our relationship ‘Facebook official’ as we are both very proud of each other and our relationship together… But I recently found out that was not the only significant reason for her really wanting our relationship to be ‘Facebook Official.’…
Aside from the fact that our relationship is relatively ‘new’ on facebook, my girlfriend happens to be blessed with natural beauty, though stunning is the more appropriate word, and that is even more true in her facebook pictures. Neither of us are very jealous people but we both get hit on/attention from the opposite sex pretty often, so the topic of getting hit on came up and not too soon after…
She told me about guys who send her these private facebook messages because she was a bit confused as to why these guys were sending her messages because they are all guys she knew before I met her (college & high school), but none of them live close to where we do. Also, none of them had posted on her wall recently, and some of the messages were more suited for a ‘wall post’. But the real reason she was confused is because not only does her relationship status make it know, but her profile picture, like many people in relationship, is one of us two.
My girlfriend was genuinely surprised with this behavior, because of all people, she didn’t expect guys shes known since high school to cross that line. These guys were not saying vulgar or disrespectful things directly, but indirectly their intentions were clear. She even said having her relationship status on the front page did help, but it didnt solve the problem.
The ironic thing about all this, is these guys think they are being slick or smooth by sending secret messages, but what they are really doing is saying ‘I’m a desperate and horny guy with so little confidence that I hide behind virtual walls like a creep’
I’m not going to lie, I was a bit surprised with how many guys were trying to pull this little move on her, but then again I never messaged girls blatantly in relationships either. I would love to think this is a rare case, but I’m not an idiot, I know this is happening to girls in relationships more often than not.
I know no one has posted in months, but I found this article on google after I had a recent talk with my girlfriend, so my opinion may be of help to others who do the same in the future…
My girlfriend and I are madly in love and have a very healthy relationship and plan on keeping it that way into the future…
So naturally neither of us had any hesitation or issues with making our relationship ‘Facebook official’ as we are both very proud of each other and our relationship together… But I recently found out that was not the only significant reason for her really wanting our relationship to be ‘Facebook Official.’…
Aside from the fact that our relationship is relatively ‘new’ on facebook, my girlfriend happens to be blessed with natural beauty, though stunning is the more appropriate word, and that is even more true in her facebook pictures. Neither of us are very jealous people but we both get hit on/attention from the opposite sex pretty often, so the topic of getting hit on came up and not too soon after…
She told me about guys who send her these private facebook messages because she was a bit confused as to why these guys were sending her messages because they are all guys she knew before I met her (college & high school), but none of them live close to where we do. Also, none of them had posted on her wall recently, and some of the messages were more suited for a ‘wall post’. But the real reason she was confused is because not only does her relationship status make it know, but her profile picture, like many people in relationship, is one of us two.
My girlfriend was genuinely surprised with this behavior, because of all people, she didn’t expect guys shes known since high school to cross that line. These guys were not saying vulgar or disrespectful things directly, but indirectly their intentions were clear. She even said having her relationship status on the front page did help, but it didnt solve the problem.
The ironic thing about all this, is these guys think they are being slick or smooth by sending secret messages, but what they are really doing is saying ‘I’m a desperate and horny guy with so little confidence that I hide behind virtual walls like a creep’
I’m not going to lie, I was a bit surprised with how many guys were trying to pull this little move on her, but then again I never messaged girls blatantly in relationships either. I would love to think this is a rare case, but I’m not an idiot, I know this is happening to girls in relationships more often than not.
My girlfriend and I are madly in love and have a very healthy relationship and plan on keeping it that way into the future…
So naturally neither of us had any hesitation or issues with making our relationship ‘Facebook official’ as we are both very proud of each other and our relationship together… But I recently found out that was not the only significant reason for her really wanting our relationship to be ‘Facebook Official.’…
Our relationship is new to the facebook world, but the real issue is my girlfriend happens to be blessed with a stunning natural beauty, even more apparent in pics. Neither of us are very jealous people but we both get hit on/attention from the opposite sex pretty often and that topic recently came up…
She told me about guys who send her private facebook messages because she was a bit confused as to why because they are all guys she knew before I met her (college & high school), but none of them live close to where we do. Also, none of them had posted on her wall recently, and some of the messages were more of a ‘wall post’. But the real reason she was confused is because not only does her relationship status make it known, but her profile picture is one of us two.
My girlfriend was genuinely surprised with this behavior, because she didn’t expect guys shes known since high school to cross that line. These guys were not saying vulgar or disrespectful things directly, but indirectly their intentions were clear. She even had to make her relationship status more visible by putting it under her picture too..
The ironic thing about all this, is these guys think they are being slick or smooth by sending secret messages, but what they are really doing is saying ‘I’m a desperate and horny guy with so little confidence that I hide behind virtual walls like a creep’
I’m not going to lie, I was a bit surprised with how many guys were trying to pull this little move on her, but then again I never messaged girls blatantly in relationships either. I would love to think this is a rare case, but I’m not an idiot, I know this is happening to girls in relationships more often than not.