Two things first:
One: Looking forward to seeing as many of you as possible at The Hook-up Conversations tomorrow night! 7-9. Nuyorican Poets Cafe.
Two: The 20-Nothings National Video Project is underway. Set aside 15 minutes. Make a video. Change the world.
And finally:
CQ emailed a topic the other day that prompted one of those, “wait haven’t I already written about this?” moments. Turns out I haven’t, which seems strange, but for awhile there that Laundro-Matt story was taking up a good chunk of space here…
“If you date a friend. Then the two of you end it. Then said “friend” slash “ex-man you date” wants to be friends again after some (2 year) period of time. Should you give them the chance to try and be friends again? i.e. can you successfully date a friend and then be friends again?
Tough one. If it has to be yes or no then yes – you can successfully date a friend and then be friends again.
But part of the beauty of life slash this blog is that it doesn’t have to be yes or no, which is a good thing because when it comes to ex’s, especially ex’s who were friends, nothing is black or white.
Can you be friends with an ex again – sure. You can be friends with anyone again. It takes time and forgiveness and for both people to be in very different places, but you can do it. That friendship will look very different than it did before you started dating, but if the target is simply “friends” you can hit it.
But this is an issue of “should you give them the chance to try and be friends again…” Sounds like the break-up in this hypothetical case was less than amicable placing you in a position to decide if you want to let this person in again. This happens – regardless of whether or not you were friends before – and the way I see it slash have experienced it, two things are pushing you toward the answer, “yes, you can have another chance”:
- I miss this person and want him back in my life in some way.
- I feel I should give this person another chance to be back in my life in some way.
Let’s deal with the second first because it’s easier.
Obligation is a tricky bitch. It will make you feel like you should do something, owe someone something, are a weak or mean person if you can’t toughen up and fix something. When it comes to family, yes – you should give every relationship everything you’ve got because it’s your blood and that’s important. There are obviously exceptions – not the point here.
When it comes to friends – especially friends you’ve dated and broken up with – different story. You don’t technically owe anyone a second chance, and you’re not a bad person if you simply can’t deal with a given person in your life. Not everyone is meant to friends, just like not everyone is meant to date. And it’s often the case that people who were friends and then tried to date are the least meant-to-be set. That’s not your fault. It’s no one’s fault. But entering back into a friendship based on obligation will be your fault.
This doesn’t mean don’t try if you desire to try and believe you can make it work. This means, don’t try if you don’t want to and know you can’t make it work. Trust your gut.
Which brings us to the second thing – when part of your “gut” is telling you that you want this person back in your life. You’re done being angry. You’re done being hurt. Your focus is back on the good times and ways this person enhanced your life. You think that your life would be better if he was back in it.
Good for you! I say go for it, and congrats on the progress. Seems like a low drama situation that you can easily manage. Any interest in writing this blog?
But if you were my friend – and in a way, you are, aren’t you (aaww) – my first question would be, why? Why do you want this person back in your life? What do you think it’s going to be like to be friends with him again? When you think about what might still be hard about it, what comes up?
(yeah, this is what it’s like being my friend…)
If an ex of this nature reaches out after two years to say, “hey, can we try to be friends again?” and your gut reaction is, “Aaww, _________ – good to hear from you! Yeah, let’s grab a coffee or drink” and then at Sunday brunch you say, “________ reached out to grab a drink. I think I’ll get together with him,” and your friends say, “If you think you’re ready for that, go for it” – then good. Well done.
But if your reaction to his outreach is, “Shhiiittt…wtF am I going to do about this….” and then at Sunday brunch you say, “you won’t believe who wants to get a drink with me!” to which your friends go, “Don’t you dare go within 10 feet of him” – then maybe that’s telling…
Obviously adjust per the degree of OMG you experience, but the point is to take a good long look at why you want to see this guy, if in fact you do.
I think we’re inclined – as the Facebook generation – to think that we need to keep every friend we’ve met and/or dated sos to prove to the world that we’re strong enough to handle anything that comes our way. The truth is, we’re better off without some people in our lives, and some people are much better off without us.
So – can you be friends with an ex who was originally a friend? Yes. Should you? Maybe not. And do you need to? Absolutely not.
6 comments
Comments are closed.
I think it depends on how long you dated the person. If it was a brief thing and you’ve been friends for a long time, maybe, but generally I think it’s pretty difficult to remain friends after any relationship. The dynamic just isn’t the same once you’ve been romantically involved.
Well executed. Thank you! To friend or not to friend – I’ll keep you posted on the situation. 🙂
I agree that we often see staying friends with as an achievement badge more than an actual relationship.
It can definitely be harmful after an unbalanced relationship- one where one party was more into it than the other. In those cases, the one who did the dumping is often the one who wants to “be friends.” The dumper often wants to be friends to alleviate their guilt or loneliness. The dumpee often agrees to be friends, and it is usually because the dumpee a) wants to get back together or b) is too ashamed to admit that they’re too hurt to be friends. It’s a messy, messy cycle.
I’ve been on the receiving end of “let’s be friends again” many times. It doesn’t bother me, but I always go into it assuming that the person is more into the *idea* of being friends with me than she is into *actually* being friends with me… or, if I’m in an even more cynical mood, I’ll approach it with the assumption that she’s looking for closure in the form of reassurance that dumping me was a good idea.
But, with that said, I think that, in most cases, people really don’t know why they want to be friends with exes. I think that we often do get satisfaction out of these re-acquaintings, but, despite my cynical assumptions, most people don’t actually have goals when they decide that they want to re-connect.
When I’ve been the dumper (or if I just feel like I came out better than she did), I feel that urge to call her up and say, “I want us to be friends.” But if I do, I never use those words. I just think of something actually platonic and neutral for us to do. And I (try to) resist my urge to ask, “So, are we cool now?”
“I think we’re inclined – as the Facebook generation – to think that we need to keep every friend we’ve met and/or dated sos to prove to the world that we’re strong enough to handle anything that comes our way. The truth is, we’re better off without some people in our lives, and some people are much better off without us.”
INCREDIBLY true.
And I realized that post makes me look like I know what I’m talking about. I don’t. Good post. As always, it posed a lot of questions, answered some, and came off as confident without being TOO assured.
I think you can be friends again, but the circumstances have to be just right. The split had to have been mutual and friendly, and neither party can still have feelings for the other. It’s hard, but definitely possible!