Two posts officially makes this a series. Here’s where it started. Cliff notes:
“We tend to be all the-universe-is-against-me about the New York dating scene, when in reality it’s far more numbers-and-charts than we’re willing to admit (slash can understand).
And so in a spirit of growing the hell up I’ll be exploring the reasons we’re single.”
Last week? we discussed the fact that the reason many of us are single is because we think we’re going out to meet guys, but really we’re not. At it’s core – a perception versus reality issue.
Now this week it’s more of a PR issue, if you will.
Consider this: When you officially decide you’re looking for a new job, what’s the first thing you do?
Right…
So then after you completely check out of your current job what’s the next thing you do?
Tell everyone it’s appropriate to tell that you’re looking for a new job.
And when you’re looking for a subletter but don’t want to use Craigslist? Or travel to a city and not have to pay for a hotel? Or defame a collectively hated member of your social group?
We are the social networking generation. We grew up displaying our hourly location and the Dave Matthews Band song quote that best describes our every mood via away message. When we want or need or are casually interested in something, we tell the world in every god-given form we have available. I know a girl who LinkedIn her way to a long-lost family member.
And yet, when it comes to going after that tricky want of a person to date, we tuck the peacock feathers in and play all coy and shit about our private lives. “Am I dating anyone?…no…not really… – well do I want to be? Oh…I don’t know…I haven’t really thought about it…not really there yet in my mind, ya know?”
Replace better paying job with boyfriend and we’ll send Facebook messages to people we haven’t talked to since…we can’t remember. There’s just something about that public declaration of, “I’m looking – who do you know?” that’s too look-at-me-I’m-needy for most people to handle. We’ll self-promote everything from what we ate for breakfast to how we feel about Universal Healthare, but when it comes to self-promoting ourselves (a-haaa…), we’re uncomfortable.
I know this because I do this. I write a thrice-weekly Internet column about my perspective on, oh, everything, but ask me what kind of guy I’m looking for and I’ll say, “Oh…I don’t know…I haven’t really thought about it.” And forget me just boldly asking you if you know anyone.
Cause then you’d know I really want a boyfriend and can’t seem to find one – embarrassing. And then I’d have to wonder what you think of me and who you’ll set up with as a result – nerve-wracking. And if it does, by some miracle, happen I’ll feel totally obligated to like your guy because you were nice enough to make it happen – inconvenient.
Seems super involved and pretty thought-consuming from a timing perspective. Surely chemistry.com will be easier and less personally invasive than all that…
So, today’s bottom line: If you want something you’re having trouble finding slash acquiring on your own, you should tell people you’re looking and see what happens. Not: “Good morning to you too! I’m fine thanks, looking for a blond-haired, blue-eyed around 5’10”-6’2″ with a background in economics who left is all to pursue his art, but otherwise everything’s tip top!”
Just weave it in there when it makes sense. The goal is to let people know you’re in the market so they can think of you when someone some girl with a boyfriend says, “_______ has this awesome friend _________ who isn’t dating anyone, and I’m like too bad I’m already dating ________ because I’d be all over that.”
Good luck.
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Thank you very much for this, very insightful!
Your posts are always spot-on and relevant. Keep up the good work!
this post was awesome.