Here’s a short story:
Guy and girl who already know each other hang out at a mutual friend’s birthday party, get drunk, and travel from bar one to bars two and three together. It gets late and guy, who lives outside the city, decides to crash at a friend’s place in the city. Guy offers for girl, who also lives outside the city, to join him. Guy and girl hook up a little at the friend’s apartment. Guy and girl fall asleep. The next day both go their separate ways home.
Given those very, very basic details it’s hard to say what will happen next. You might say, “well the guy should call the girl to hang out again, he obviously likes her enough to invite her to stay over at his buddy’s place,” or, “this guy and girl will probably hang out and hook up again since they have mutual friends,” or, “it has some potential, and the girl knows the guy, so she can go ahead and invite him to do something or hang out again.”
Those would all be completely reasonable assessments of the situation given the facts shared. And if you were the girl in this situation you might assume all of those reactions to be right, fair, or true.
Now here’s a longer story:
Guy goes to a friend’s birthday party in the city where he runs into and chats with a girl he knows. Guy decides to go to another bar, girl follows. Guy decides to go to a third bar, girl follows. It gets very late and guy decides to stay at his buddy’s place in the city. Girl informs him she’ll be joining him because it’s way too late for her to go home. Guy says ok. Once at the friend’s place girl puts the moves on guy. Guy is like, whoa there. Girl is essentially like, um you lead me on all night blah blah. Guy decides it’s easier to just make out with this drunk girl for awhile versus deal with her drunk and annoyed. They make out a bit, guy pulls the exhausted card, they crash.
Given these new details you’d probably have a very different assessment. Guy isn’t going to call girl because he’s not interested. He invited her back because it was the polite/safe thing to do. Girl shouldn’t call guy based on the “success” of their time together because guy was essentially faking it to make it end faster.
Now, a few disclaimers to the short and long story:
- Some guys really lead girls on.
- There is a way to delicately not hook-up with someone you have absolutely no interest in what-so-ever
- Some girls are really crazy and make that impossible
- Inviting yourself to stay with someone is different than being invited to stay with someone
- Alcohol is the villain in all stories of this nature
I wasn’t there to see this story go down, so I can’t say whether the guy did enough basic “leading on” to warrant the girl’s assumptions. But in my experience (both personally and observation-wise) it can take very little to convince a very drunk girl that you’re interested. This story is an extreme by anyone’s standards, but the idea of it is not.
“What is going on there?” the friend who told me this story asked? “What’s this girl thinking?”
The basic answer is that she’s not thinking, but the bigger picture is that girls (and guys) can develop a sort of tunnel vision when it comes to interacting with the opposite sex. If they’re into someone every minor action because a clue – a he did this so he must like me! So in the case of this story, in the mind of this girl, here is the evidence that he lead her on:
- “I mean, he talked to me for awhile at the bar, and we had this awesome conversation”
- “He invited me to follow he and his friends to the next bar”
- “He told me he was going to crash at his friend’s place and when I said I was going to come too he said that was ok”
- “He made out with me”
Yes, all true facts, but from the opposite perspective they go:
- “Yes, we talked for awhile at a bar about a topic that interests me”
- “I didn’t invite her, but I didn’t tell her she couldn’t come”
- “When she said, ‘okay then I’m coming with you because it’s too late to go home,’ what was I supposed to say?!
- “Honestly, it was easier to just make out with her a little.”
What’s the lesson here? I think there are a few:
- Wingmen and women exist to prevent us from leading ourselves on. Get one, and use them. And if you are one, don’t lie
- There is undeniable attention from the opposite sex and there is questionable attention from the opposite sex. Know the difference. And then decide your own threshold for guessing wrong. Mine is zero, but in defense of people who takes chances, I’m single…
- 80% of embarrassing mistakes happen because of drunk tunnel vision. This is bad because it happens, but good because you have something to blame
- And finally – there are two sides to every single story, and sometimes even the nicest guys make out with you a little because it’s easier than letting you down awkwardly. I know, but chances are you’d done it too…
2 comments
Comments are closed.
I would like to know what this girl’s backup lodging plan?
I think the best clue for the girl is the “exhausted card.” 95% of the time this means a guy is not interested.
I’m also curious to know if this incident has had any effect on their friendship? I generally am successful at avoiding any awkwardness post making out with an acquaintance or friend. In fact, I often feel we have become closer.
As a guy, I only have one “rule”: no sex the first time you make out.
Girls: If you don’t have sex, the guy will still have fun, and, no matter how horny you are, remember that having sex increases your chances of being a story instead of somebody who means more to him.
If the guy pushes it, there’s a good chance he’s not going to be interested in you for very long. If he wants you to stick around/to stick around you, he won’t care whether you have sex or not.
As a guy, refraining from having sex is preferable because, if the girl does indeed want more than I want to give, the situation will probably fade away easier if sex is not involved…