So last week’s girl-v-guy discussion on the issue of how you behave when you really like someone sparked some serious conversation. Among them was an interesting gchat I had with a male friend after I posted the male take on the issue last Wednesday and alluded to the fact that the female version was a shocker. Here’s the chat. Tomorrow we’ll expound upon it a bit. Thursday we’ll stop talking about this somewhat annoying issue.
Male Friend: hey there – I have to ask for the preview- what did the girls say
Me: It was almost all things they “don’t” do like, “I try not to text him too much” or “I play a little hard to get.” It wasn’t like, “I buy him gifts and cook him dinner.” Seems girls feel a definite need to pull back when they like a guy a lot
MF: Now what do you think explains that?
Me: Just the innate differences between boys and girls – and frankly what girls are told – “play hard to get”
Me: I used to really disagree with that premise. Now I don’t. Like, I used to be really open and honest and forward and all-in, really quickly. Now I keep things a little more interesting at the start of something
MF: Hhmm. Another theory I might haphazardly throw out there is that they may have grown accustomed to men who aren’t actually fully interested in them (so for example, guys unlike the ones who responded in today’s column), and are therefore trying to hold on to a fleeting thing by not pushing the issue too quickly
Me: A very, very valid theory
MF: not sure how much sense that made….I think I want to explain better
Me: No, it’s probably true. It’s like, bottom line, if you didn’t date shitty guys you wouldn’t have to play hard to get…there’s a blog post headline. I should write about that..hhmm..want to contribute?
MF: Maybe – what’s the thesis that you’re working on?
Me: Well girls like attention – of any variety
MF: Right
Me: Low wages are better than no wages argument
MF: Haha, right. I think the most important thing is to act the same way at the beginning of the relationship as you normally would act a few months in. I get the sense from certain female friends of mine that they feel the need to act coy or play hard to get at the beginning, even though that’s the complete opposite of their natural personality, and isn’t how they would be acting naturally in the relationship
MF: And so I think that’s a recipe for disaster
Me: True, true
MF: You’re right, most people don’t do that, but I actually think that’s something more people should do
Me: I mean, we’re older now. I think that will start to happen because people are done wasting time. Like when you’re in your early 20s it’s “what else could be out there…” Now it’s, “I’ve seen what’s out there, and I’d like to stick with you”
MF: It’s not so much a matter of playing hard to get at the beginning vs. stating your interest immediately up front….It’s a matter of behaving in whatever way comes naturally to you vs. trying to play an angle
Me: Right, totally. Some things aren’t appropriately immediately, but me acting shy is just a lie
Me: see, you’re a guy though. We’re not used to that, and so it’s refreshing. The general sexist opinion is that you should be like that, and I should be coy…a little mysterious
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I’ve recently tried the whole “all cards on the table approach” and it’s sort of hit or miss….maybe I need to perfect the art of it. I think the honesty depends on the type of person you are laying it on. (no pun intended) Some men eat it up while others cower in fear and run away. Oh the joys of dating. I’m loving this guy vs girl thing. Great insight.
“Like when you’re in your early 20s it’s “what else could be out there…” Now it’s, “I’ve seen what’s out there, and I’d like to stick with you”
Oh that comment is so spot on and probably explains why dating a guy two years younger than me is making me want to bang my head agains the wall…
There’s one thing missing from this “all cards on the table” action item. For it to work, there has to be some level of trust. I would not act at all the same person at the beginning of a relationship as four months in. Hopefully, though, I’m also not considered to be playing games. Trust is a big deal to me, and I’m not going to just get involved and fall in trust with someone, anyone. It’s a slow process.
However, someone playing coy and hard to get will only mean that trusting process takes longer. “All cards on the table” to me means more open and honest communication.
I.e. You are not required to tell a new love interest about a heartbreak that is recent and fresh, but at some point it might bring your coupling to a deeper level if you do share– just not right away. Over-sharing is not akin to trust building.
Inevitably, to trust means being vulnerable, and that’s the hardest part. That takes practice. Some guys/girls do it naturally. For me, it takes time.