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6 months ago she messages me out of the blue. We begin to email and gchat, and pick up in a new direction. Somewhere in that time, she makes a decision. And not a light one. But rather a big league one. She decides to move back to the U.S., more specifically the south, more specifically, Savannah, Georgia – miles from where I am. All the while I have 100% wanted this to happen. She tells me I am a new person and 10x the man she expected. I cannot get enough of her. She thinks she is falling for me. It’s story book…
Now the ball’s in my court. She will be here until January when she plans to go back to Scotland to finish her Doctorate. I am torn to whether I should let this grow into something important only to have it be taken away (physically) or keep her at a distance. I’ve already been thinking about asking her to stay, or even seeing what Scotland has to offer. She does quite a bit to move me, in all directions. It is lovely and exciting but maybe it’s just the dramatic entrance.I don’t know, it might just be the romantic in me.
-how long has the new, old romance been going on between you?
-how long will she be in Scotland finishing her doctorate?
-to what degree have you two talked about your desires to be together? Has she at all referenced staying (for you)? Have you at all referenced going (with her)?
In my head I’m thinking – this situation has developed quickly so a big move on the part of either person is, well, big – but this isn’t a “head” thing, unfortunately…
What would I do? Let her go to Scotland. Keep as in touch as humanly possible making clear how strongly I feel about her and saying I want to try a long-distance relationship to gague our feelings for each other over a little more time. If it continues to grow to the point of it being damn-near certain that it is right – I’d move, or have her move and finish her doctorate in the US. Scotland is as far from Georgia as LA is from NY. That’s far, but not so far that I think she shouldn’t go and try it and you shouldn’t wait a tad before making a major move there.
But those are the specifics. You asked when you know it’s time or right to make that move. I have absolutely no idea. But what I do know is this:
dissolve. And the dreaded/multifaceted
But And what? And you move back from Scotland to live life in a different direction? And you are hurt/confused/lost for awhile? And you missed out on opportunities? Other girls? Jobs? And you never love again?
Yes, it could be one of those things. All of those things. And they’re all bad things. The question I always ask myself when faced with just this kind of what-should-I-do? is – what’s the greater risk? All that maybe bad stuff, or never ever knowing if this was the thing that was most right.
Heavy, I know. And not a real answer, I also know. But did you ever read a story about the guy who met the love of his life, had the opportunity to take some major risks to discover if she was really the one, decided against that and just kept trucking along.
Right. Because no one wrote the book. Because no one wants to read it.
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I agree with your advice. I do believe that the only reason we don’t see stories about the person who decides to take it easy is because it’s not an exciting story. But it happens in real life all the time, and people end up satisfied.
I’m a firm believer that what makes breakups painful is not how much you liked the person but how much you invested in that person. How much you prioritized them and made decisions based around them.
If all these life changes were to happen around the relationship, the potential for heartbreak and bitterness would be increased exponentially.
I’m a huge believer in following your heart. That being said, I’m also a single girl so….I agree with your advice. Looks like he’s faced with some major choices right now and he should take some caution. If it’s meant to work out, it’ll work out.
What’s in Georgia?
I’m not saying moving to Scotland for her is the best, or even a good, idea, but I’m curious as to what might be in Georgia to hold Sed back.
And, the time line for her in Scotland is a huge part of this story. If she’s there only for another semester, waiting doesn’t have to be that hard. It doesn’t sound like there are any ultimatums out there, so the toughness of the decision is based mostly on not being able to be present with each other. That’s an obstacle that can be overcome with patience, if both parties are serious about the effort.
The “what if” in life is the worst. Never allow yourself to live life with a “what if.” It is far worse than regret. At least with taking risks, we learn. Life is too short.
And, what’s the worst that could happen? You move to Scotland, break up and move back to Georgia to pick your life back up where you left off? Yes, there will be pain and hurt involved but you got to live in Scotland!
I’m a risk-taker, myself, so I would probably advise the person to make the move because, after all, what’s the worst that can happen? Rejection, but life always goes on. I moved across the country for love, and would do it again in a heartbeat. I trusted my instincts and they were right.
Always follow your heart.
She’s only “the one who got away” if you let her leave.
I think every comment here is the right answer… for the person who left it. This question is impossible to give advice for from an objective standpoint and I would have said the same thing our blogger did. How you know depends on you.
Are you a planner? Do you decisions follow a right or wrong basis, or do you just follow your gut? And if you are one way or the other, does it change when it comes to thoughts of her?
There are so many factors. And you have to decide if what you are giving up is worth what you are getting…
or you just have to be up for the adventure of life. If it was me, I wouldn’t give moving a second thought. Life brings you places for a reason. Maybe she isn’t the one for you, but there may be something else waiting for you in Scotland.